tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63567742957717078302024-02-19T17:55:08.748-06:00Holy Pee Stick, Batman!!join me on my pregnancy, natural chilbirth, infant loss journey (and beyond)...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger374125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-32226117399516387662015-01-09T09:37:00.000-06:002015-02-04T09:55:51.568-06:00I'm moving...after much thought i've decided to move and start a new <a href="https://jujusgift.wordpress.com/">blogging space</a> for myself. <br />
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but i will continue to keep this blog public so that it can be a resource to someone in need. and, if you are reading along, and would like to contact me, please don't hesitate. :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-31121019393445799862014-07-30T14:15:00.000-05:002014-07-30T14:15:03.339-05:00Right Where I Am 2014 Edition: 3 Years, 9 Months, 2 Weeks, and 4 Daysthis is my fourth year participating in the RWIA project. here are my <a href="http://holybfpbatman.blogspot.com/2011/06/right-where-i-am-7-months-3-weeks-6.html">first</a>, <a href="http://holybfpbatman.blogspot.com/2012/05/right-where-i-am-1-year-7-months-3.html">second</a>, and <a href="http://holybfpbatman.blogspot.com/2013/06/right-where-i-am-2-years-8-months-and-6.html">third</a> year entries. every year it seems to sneak up on me, and it's been no different this year. and yet again i find myself wondering how another year has passed without Julius.<br />
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a few months ago our family expanded yet again. Julius' baby brother, rainbow #2 (E), was born. life has been busier than ever with a newborn and a toddler at home. but grief is the friend that never goes away. and why should it? after all grief is the price you pay for love.<br />
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i have found joy again. my rainbows bring me nothing but happiness, and laughter. don't get me wrong, we still encounter the daily struggles of parenting a toddler who is too grown for her own good, and a newborn. but i'm so thankful to be experiencing those struggles. every single giggle, kiss, hug, meltdown, etc. is a blessing for me. i'm almost in tears thinking about how happy i am to be an earthly parent again. i didn't think i would ever get another chance after Julius passed away. i didn't believe i would ever enjoy life again.<br />
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just as i parent my rainbows, i find myself parenting my grief and Julius' legacy. some days grief remains in the background allowing me to breathe a bit easier. but days, like today, it has me by the throat - choking me. all it takes is one trigger to send me down a downward spiral. an article on a popular website that was supposed to be written in jest. and it would have been funny if i were anyone else but myself. planning for the baptism of E, and remembering the baptism of his older brother. or even looking at pics of my boys and realizing that i will never get to compare how they look at months 5-12.<br />
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sister is such a great sibling and she continues to be super affectionate with her baby brother, which is also bittersweet. she still doesn't quite understand what has happened. but she has taken more of an interest in the book "Someone Came Before You". she reads it frequently, and asks us to read it to her. she understands the pics in the book, and can point out that the mommy and daddy are "sad" and "crying". but she doesn't really comprehend why. and i know that my grief will take on yet another form when she does get it and begins asking questions about Julius.<br />
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so almost 4 years later, grief is still a very real part of my life. but i continue to feel more and more like i am "living" instead of just trying to get from one moment to the next. i continue to live my life focused around love and the love i have for my children. and i continue to take it one day at a time parenting all 3 of my children. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-72528693657561249542014-07-24T14:33:00.000-05:002014-07-24T14:33:02.941-05:00i never said "goodbye"...since Julius passed away, i have been beating myself up because i never got a chance to say "goodbye" to him. by the time i made it to the daycare he had already been taken to the hospital. and by the time we got to the hospital, they informed us that he was gone. i can't express to you how heartbroken i have been because i never had the opportunity to be there.<br />
<br />
but this weekend, i saw this video of one of the keynote speakers at the 2012 TCF conference, and the words she said were so powerful, i burst into tears several times. one thing she said about saying "goodbye" is that if we had the chance to do everything again, and were given the opportunity to say something to our loved one before they passed away, would we really waste our breath on saying "goodbye". no, we would probably use that time to tell them that we love them.<br />
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oh, that choked me up! she was so right. i would say "i love you." and i am thankful that i DID have the chance to tell him that very thing when i went to feed him hours before. a little of the guilt was lifted from me when i heard those words. but how i still miss him so.<br />
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if you would like to see the powerful (and funny) closing remarks from Darcie Sims check it out below...<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Ro4U5xdxTJc" width="420"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-35712665075642813582014-07-08T10:13:00.002-05:002014-07-08T10:14:36.783-05:004.5 monthsthis should be a joyous time, rainbow #2 is fast approaching the 4.5 month mark, but i'm filled with fear and anxiety. this is the age Julius was when he passed away. and with both rainbows when i have gotten to this point, i panic inside. will history repeat itself? i feel like i'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. and now particularly because rainbow 2 is a boy, i feel a heightened sense of impending doom. it makes me a little nauseous to be quite honest.<br />
<br />
i wonder if i will ever get to see a little boy of mine live past 4.5 months. i beg the universe to give me the opportunity for a long life with this son (with both of my rainbows for that matter). the passed 2 weeks i have felt as though i'm holding my breath. i'm just trying to make it through the month of july. this is just the 1st of a series of milestones that i'd like to pass with this little boy. and even when i make it passed this milestone, it will still be deeply saddening because i never got the opportunity with Julius. bittersweet is what it is.<br />
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on top of this, i've heard of 2 or 3 other families in the last 2 months who have recently lost their little ones to SIDS and are just beginning their grief journey. my heart hurts for them. for us. this is an awful reality. losing a child is just so unnatural, and i hate that anyone has to feel this kind of pain. every time i hear of a new loss, i flashback to *that* day, those suffocating emotions of just being shattered and broken, lost and alone. how will they manage to make it through? how will they go on? how did i?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-48694935781455118042014-05-27T09:12:00.000-05:002014-05-27T09:12:03.813-05:00mom of multiplesof course when i decide to almost give up on this blog, i find some inspiration on new topics to blog about. go fig!<br />
<br />
i've been thinking about this a lot since L's arrival. typically in the midst of some incredibly hectic, chaotic moment in which i'm desperately trying to juggle the needs of both of my living children. like when baby girl is being a diva, and L needs to be fed. and after i get both kids settled, i take a breath, stare at them, and thank the universe for allowing me to have such a moment.<br />
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it sounds crazy, but it's in those moments that i feel the most peaceful. after baby girl's arrival, i was just so happy to be actively parenting again. but, again, i felt a bit like a fraud. at that point, i was a mom of multiple, but if you didn't know our story, you wouldn't know. and when we were out in public, strangers always just assumed that she was our first.<br />
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now, while we still get those hurtful comments from strangers (which will never end, i'm convinced) about how now i have 1 girl and 1 boy (ugh!), they now SEE me as the mom of multiple children. i've found that i get more of an opportunity to talk about Julius though. sometimes people will ask if i have any other children, so i get to talk about all 3 of my kids. it's nice and hard but comforting. <br />
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i think back to the time when my grief was just so fresh it was suffocating, and i NEVER would picture that in a few years i would have 1 rainbow, let alone 2. i didn't even think i would survive losing my firstborn. many days i prayed not to. but now i'm the mom of 3 beautiful amazing kids. and i'm so thankful i have my 2 rainbows to help me through the dark days without my son.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-6211448835549824512014-05-20T13:33:00.000-05:002014-05-20T13:33:14.442-05:00four.
<br />
in a week and a half i will have a 4 year old. my firstborn son will be
turning four, and yet i have no experience dealing with planning a celebration
for a 3-almost-4 year old. i can't ask him what kind of cake he prefers. i
can't pick out a theme for his party based on his interests. i can't send out
invitations to his friends. so i find myself doing what i have done for
every.single.birthday he has had - living in denial for a while before
stressing and worrying endlessly that the things i have planned for his day
will never do my love for him justice. how i wish every day that things were
different.<br />
<br />
our family has changed yet again. we have welcomed a 2nd rainbow - our 2nd
son (L) - into the world. he is just months old, and such a wonderful
combination of his older siblings. baby girl is absolutely head over heels in
love with him. to witness her affection for him is so bittersweet. though she
took no interest in my pregnancy with him, she became attached to him
immediately upon seeing him. very much like the love a mother has for their
child. she kisses him about a million times a day (if not more).<br />
<br />
it's been very emotional and i really try to take things moment by moment
now. i have had some instances of deja vu with L that make me catch my breath.
we've got some major milestones coming up in the next few months, and i'm
trying hard not to lose my sanity just getting through them. i know i had a
hard time with baby girl, but with L being the same gender as Julius, it kicks
that PTSD into high gear. So if you have a minute to spare, please say a prayer for us and my sanity.<br />
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i'm not really sure what i will do with this space. i think it's time to give up thinking that i will regularly update it. we've had so much going on in our lives over the last year, and i don't see that slowing dow any in the near future (at least i pray it doesn't). i think i may just leave it public for now and update on Julius' special days. but if i do blog, i will most likely pick it up over at the blog i started for baby girl, which i will keep private (for access and the link email me). <br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-41571077593759819592014-01-16T14:54:00.001-06:002014-01-16T14:54:23.785-06:00sweet opportunityover the last year or so i've been contacted several times by people who want me to help promote their websites or review their products. usually, i delete those emails because i can tell that the people who sent them have no clue about my story or my son {especially when i see what they are asking me to review}. my blog started off being about my pregnancy with Julius, and then morphed into being about my life with him, and is now about my grieving his loss. to talk about anything other than that just doesn't feel "right" to me.<br />
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last week, i got another email with a similar request. but this one had an entirely different feel. a woman contacted me from the company <a href="http://www.evrmemories.com/">Everlasting Memories</a>, she started off by explaining how she had found my blog, and who she was. she had read about my son, and even shared a story of loss with me. she cared. and she offered to send me an item of my choice from their website and asked if i would be willing to give her some honest feedback on it.<br />
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i'm always looking for new ways to memorialize my boy. but it seemed too good to be true. honestly, when i wrote back, i was fully expecting to never hear back from the woman. but i did. and quickly. she sent yet another sweet, caring message. so i decided to take some time and pick out something. they really have so many pieces to choose from {cremation jewelry, urns, photo keepsake jewelry, etc.}. but in the end, i took the suggestion of the woman, and went with a <a href="http://www.evrmemories.com/rhodium-dog-tag-keepsake-jewelry-p/evr6550s.htm">photo keepsake necklace</a>. <br />
<br />
i sent her the picture last friday, and i got it the actual necklace this past tuesday {though i didn't get to see it until wednesday - my birthday - because D didn't bring in the mail the day before}. i really love it. the pics don't really do it justice. on the back of the necklace i had "Julius Luciano/I carry your heart in my heart" engraved. i really do need to take better pics of the necklace itself. and i really wish you could see the quality of it. the dog tag itself is pretty large. larger than i expected it to be really. you would think it would be really heavy, but it's not. and the picture is so clear. his amazing smile really does come through on it. which is one reason i was so drawn to a photo necklace. now i have a way to show him off, even if it's not in the traditional sense.<br />
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i know not everyone likes keepsake jewelry. but if you are looking for something, i would highly recommend taking a look at what Everlasting Memories has to offer. and i am so deeply appreciative to them for giving me a way to carry my boy around {in a more physical sense} with me.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1nPWaeFBPx7OBrNj1576cvWg-Mx4ThbpgeHprV3C8MLT5hXPVKDkDBMMki1uYid-28S80BcvLv1JWQEubdyeS9XMOdtBB1zoDf5d9mGPJfYXEhRmy8oBAfv8ey4ZaRhX1ZCGLc91lbhyJ/s1600/photo+(1).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1nPWaeFBPx7OBrNj1576cvWg-Mx4ThbpgeHprV3C8MLT5hXPVKDkDBMMki1uYid-28S80BcvLv1JWQEubdyeS9XMOdtBB1zoDf5d9mGPJfYXEhRmy8oBAfv8ey4ZaRhX1ZCGLc91lbhyJ/s1600/photo+(1).JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">forgive the low quality instagram pic</td></tr>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-30421815187232016302013-11-20T09:33:00.000-06:002013-11-20T09:33:44.837-06:00it's officiali suck at blogging. in a way, it's a welcomed change. blogging was my way to occupy my time. to get out my thoughts. to help fill my empty arms. <br />
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life has changed so drastically. our rainbow is a couple of months away from turning 2. THAT blows my mind. often i look back at pictures of her when she was so itty bitty brand new. i can't believe the spirited child that she's turned into. she's amazing. she gets more opinionated every day. and she's so compassionate and affectionate. i'm beyond thankful for her, her presence in our lives, and the exhaustion i feel at the end of the day trying to keep up with her. <br />
<br />
but it leaves me with less time to do some of the things i did regularly before she was born - like blog. and i feel guilty about it. i suppose there is a similar internal struggle with parents of multiple living children. how do you divy up your time between all of your children so that no one feels forgotten about? but one of my children isn't able to voice his feelings to me, and so i'm left to over-analyze everything, and feel even guiltier. i've been thinking more and more about going private on the blog. there are just so many reasons why i'd like to, and why i don't want to...<br />
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not to mention the holidays are like tomorrow! and i feel torn about how to proceed this year. we have put up a tree. and believe it or not, this is the first time we have EVER put up a tree as a family. even before Juju was born. we were always traveling on c'mas, so we never bother. after J passed away, we had no reason to. last year our rainbow was too young so we didn't bother. but this weekend, we got out the sealed box that held the fake tree i bought like 5 years ago, and put it up. it's not decorated, but it's up.<br />
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i already have most of our c'mas shopping done as well. haven't sent out cards, and don't plan to. and beyond that, i'm just not sure what else i'm going to do. last year we went to see 'les mis' in theaters on c'mas day. maybe we'll go watch another movie this year as a family. holidays just don't feel right anymore.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-86931069936967471472013-10-11T19:19:00.001-05:002013-10-11T19:37:43.278-05:003 years<p dir="ltr">Dear Julius,</p>
<p dir="ltr">Tomorrow will mark your 3rd angelversary. I don't understand how its has been three years. It blows my mind. You are missed and loved just as much (if not more) now than you were then. The pain of losing you is just as intense. And you have never for one second been forgotten. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Tomorrow we will spend the day doing something as a family. Hopefully we will feel up to doing something a little fun in your honor - something that we wish we had been able to experience while you were alive. And since your legacy is about love, we will make sure that whatever we end up doing tomorrow we will do with love in our hearts. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The last few days have been really difficult for me, the days leading up to the 12th always are. Just remembering what we were doing 3 years ago and how drastically different our lives are is hard. I wish more than anything that you were here with us. We all miss you so very very much. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Please be close to me tomorrow. I will definitely need you help to get through this difficult day. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Loving you always and forever,<br>
<u>Mommy</u></p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-40017411903775486032013-06-18T09:41:00.000-05:002013-06-18T09:52:24.112-05:00Right Where I Am 2013: 2 Years, 8 Months, and 6 Daysseriously, WTF??<br />
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that reaction pretty much sums it all up. it sums up what i thought as i scrolled through my blog list to see all of the other RWIA posts that have already been done. it sums up my feelings to the amount of time that has passed since the last time i saw my beautiful boy. it sums up feelings about the fact that i am still living this nightmare of being a bereaved mother.<br />
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how could it be? how could i have given birth to a child that isn't here anymore. some days it all feels like a dream. but i look around and see the pictures of him everywhere, and know that it's not.<br />
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<a href="http://holybfpbatman.blogspot.com/2012/05/right-where-i-am-1-year-7-months-3.html">last year</a> i wrote the post a day before his 2nd birthday. our rainbow had just made it to the 4.5 month milestone in which we lost Julius, thus officially outliving him; anxiety was at an all time high, and my heart was so very heavy with worry and grief.<br />
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since then...we just celebrated his 3rd birthday {which was a difficult one for me. and i've figured that they are all pretty much going to be difficult ones because there is no way that i can adequately plan a day worthy enough for him}. his sister just turned 17 months and brings more joy/love into our lives than we ever thought we would be able to experience again.<br />
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but as she continues to grow and develop, so does her "interactions" and understanding of her brother, which brings another dimension to my grief. see all this time i have been grieving MY broken heart, and MY missing him. but more and more i feel as though i am grieving for me and rainbow. as i mentioned in a previous <a href="http://holybfpbatman.blogspot.com/2013/03/our-rainbow.html">post</a>, she kisses her urn with me now. and she has recently started grabbing his picture off of the entertainment center, kissing it, and saying "baby". <br />
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oh, how my heart breaks even more to see how tenderly she treats him. it aches to think of how she would act with him in person. she is such an affectionate girl. she loves love/affection, she gives kisses and hugs so generously {maybe a little to generously} to all the little kids/babies she meets. and i wonder would she be as affectionate with her older brother. it makes me angrier to know that she will never get the chance. she deserves to experience all the fun of having an older brother. he deserved to get the chance to be an older brother. but, unfortunately, it didn't happen.<br />
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my grief is still a part of me. while i am finding it easier to "live" again, instead of just merely "surviving," i can still feel the ache in my heart. i still avoid conversations about kids/families with strangers. i still avoid some parts of town that remind me too much of *that* day. i still have days in which i have to close my office door because i need to cry. i do have a lot to cry about, but my children give me so much more to smile about. and these days it's easier to smile for both of them...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-91186595951691188232013-06-14T08:31:00.000-05:002013-06-14T08:31:37.079-05:00Community<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
in <a href="http://holybfpbatman.blogspot.com/2011/07/quick-trip-recap-giveaway-winner.html">2011</a>, i had the honor of meeting a few other BLMs when i made my way up to MN. it was an incredible trip - therapeutic, emotional, relaxing, necessary. i had time to meet some the women who had become part my biggest support system since losing Julius. <br />
<br />
last weekend, i got a chance to make another similar trip. my rainbow and i made our way to IL to meet several other BLMs and their rainbows. and it was...awesome! i think in total 14 moms (a few dads) and 14 rainbows were in attendence in person (plus our babies that we carried with us in our hearts - the ones that brought us together). and while i didn't know all of the BLMs that were there before the trip, it was still great to just meet them and their rainbows. <br />
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it was inspirational to see so many women who have survived the unimaginable. it was wonderful to be able to share my son with people and not fear that i was making them feel uncomfortable. and when i cried (because of course there was crying done by me), no one tried to get me to stop, or spouted out some useless platitude. they let me cry, they brought me tissues, they cried with me.<br />
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and those rainbows!!! wow. how those babies were loved and adored by all this weekend! the amount of love that was in that house...well, i'm surprised the house didn't implode in on itself. everyone was just so wonderful with my rainbow, and showed her so much love and affection. it warmed my heart. she usually has to warm up to strangers, but i think even she realized that these women weren't "strangers". i think she knew that these women knew me/my heart, and that they have helped me survive. seriously, i'm not sure how i would have managed the last 2.5 years without their comments, emails, messages, cards, etc.<br />
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i'm thankful. i wish i never had to meet those women the way that we did. i wish we all had our babies in our arms. but i appreciate every single one of them that made it last weekend. i appreciate their rainbows because they have brought some happiness into, not only their parents' lives again, but also mine. i appreciate their babies that were not able to be there with us in person, because they led me to their mommas. and i appreciate those BLMs/people who weren't able to be there, for whatever reason, but have shown me support, love, and comfort in the days since losing Julius. living without Julius is the hardest thing i am currently doing, but i'm thankful i have this community walking with me.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-11119602122671011242013-05-30T06:00:00.000-05:002013-05-30T06:00:05.117-05:00Happy 3rd Birthday!Dear Julius,<br />
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Today is your 3rd birthday. 3 years ago, I looked into your eyes for the first time. 3 year ago, my life changed drastically. 3 years ago, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Unbeknowst to me you were the missing piece of my puzzle. <br />
<br />
It's so hard to live through a May 30th without you. This day, made special for you, should be celebrated by you. You should be here with us opening presents, eating too many sweets, and getting showered with love and affection.<br />
<br />
I don't know why you aren't here with us. I don't know how I've survived this long without you. I don't know how I'm going to survive the rest of my life without you. But what I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that I love you today more than I ever thought I could. I miss you today more than I ever thought I could. And that will never change.<br />
<br />
I try to keep today about happiness, because that is what you brought into our lives. I'm not sure if what I have planned today is something you would have liked to do. I always struggle to plan your special day because you are no longer here to celebrate. Please know that whatever we decide to do, be it big or low-key, is done with you at the center of our minds and hearts. And that will never change.<br />
<br />
You are forever mine. I am forever yours. And that will never change.<br />
<br />
Loving you always,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-13229465647186205282013-05-22T09:56:00.000-05:002013-05-22T09:56:38.597-05:00another mayit's been a while since i've written, and honestly, it's because i've been too overwhelmed by my emotions that i decided the best thing to do was not to acknowledge them. but that only gets you so far. and before i knew it, a minor argument with my hubby about something so trivial ended with me sobbing in bed asking the universe why it saw fit to take my son from me. so yea, that was my clue that it was about time to write...<br />
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we are almost through another may. the month of my son's birth. he would be turning 3 this year. it's hard for me to imagine the 3 year old he would have been. no doubt, he would have been the most beautiful 3 year old i would have ever laid my eyes on. but i wonder what his personality would have been like. watching his sister's personality develop is so very bittersweet. because in my heart i know he was my mellow, obedient, loving child. but i never got to see how it unfolded. i will never get to see all of those "quirks" that would have made him him. it's hard to reconcile that fact in my mind. after all this time, it's still hard to believe he is gone. <br />
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this year to celebrate Julius' birthday, we will be spending the day as a family. we plan to take baby girl to the zoo, and don our Julius the monkey gear. there will be some type of sweet treat, though i haven't really decided that yet. it's always so hard to plan how to celebrate the birthday of your child that is no longer with you. this will be my 3rd without him, and it hasn't gotten any easier. actually nothing about grieving his loss has gotten easier other than my ability to "fake it" in public. the pain is still as deep and profound, the longing still as intense. grieving your child is a lifelong process for sure.<br />
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in addition to dealing with all of the feelings surrounding Julius' birthday, i had to deal with mother's day. i still dread that day even though our baby girl is here. luckily we were at a cookout to celebrate someone's graduation from college, so i wasn't too focused on what day it was. and only had to deal with one comment/question about it being my 1st mother's day. on the whole the day wasn't too bad.<br />
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and as if those 2 events weren't enough, we also moved this month. we moved from our 1st house - the house that has been there for us through the birth of both of our children, and the death of our son. the house that has seen us at our absolute worst, and has sheltered and protected us. we had that house built, and picked out the colors of everything. it was my personal sanctuary, and i was very attached to it. but in the end, we had to move. it's really hard to think about the fact that i won't have memories of Julius alive in our new place. i know he is still with us, but it's different. and that difference makes it so painfully hard to bear.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-74364741307985731402013-03-21T14:00:00.001-05:002013-03-21T14:00:56.520-05:00our rainbowi don't write about our rainbow much on this blog. this is a space i dedicate mostly to Julius. this blog was started for Julius to document my pregnancy journey with him, and then it became a place to grieve for him. while baby girl is most definitely part of that process now, i just needed to keep her journey separate.<br />
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but i always wonder how the death of her brother that she never had the privilege of meeting will affect her. Julius' presence is all over the house. his pictures are out, his urn sits on our dresser. and daily i continue my ritual of giving it a kiss before i leave for work.<br />
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when she was just a few months old, i stopped by the dresser while holding her, and let her stare at his picture/urn. as i turned to walk away, she started wailing. i didn't understand why she was suddenly crying, and so i walked back to the dresser. she stopped and stared. after a few seconds, i walked away again, and the same thing happened. so i walked back. and again she was quiet. this happened 1 more time before i burst into tears myself. it made me wonder what it was that she was thinking. it made me hopeful that Julius was present somehow, someway.<br />
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since that time, there really hasn't been much acknowledgement from her of her brother, not that i thought there should be as she's still too young. but a few weeks ago, while we were all in our room, she took her paci out of her mouth, and walked toward the dresser with puckered lips. she wanted to give him a kiss. it made my heart explode. she has puckered her lips to give him a kiss pretty much every day since.<br />
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she is so incredibly loving. make no mistake, she's a passionate, talkative, opinionated little girl. but her heart is so full of love. she is very attached to her parents. she's got an amazing sense of humor. she loves popping out of things/hiding under things and scaring people. she loves bubbles. she loves sesame street, and eating out of her parents' plates. she looks more like her brother every day, though i know their personalities are opposite. i'm sure she would be the one getting big brother in trouble if she had been given the chance. and just like i felt with her brother, looking into her face and holding her makes all of my superficial troubles go away. she continues to fill my heart with love. she's amazing. she's the perfect gift from him. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-66228881821681105042013-02-12T11:54:00.000-06:002013-02-12T11:54:06.288-06:00life these days......is busy, is stressful, is full of grieve and longing and deep deep love.<br />
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i've started writing this post several times in my head. i feel like a broken record most days. our rainbow celebrated her 1st birthday not too long ago. it was an amazingly bittersweet day. one that i was not convinced i would get to see. it was a quiet celebration. my sister and her boyfriend came over. we had lunch, cake, and watched her open presents. we lit a candle for her big brother who could not be there with us.<br />
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even as time continues to move forward at lightening speed, i know a piece of me is always stuck in october 12, 2010. grieving a child is a life sentence. i go through the daily motions - send the work emails, do the grocery shopping, go to the gym - but i'm never 100% present. i'm only 2 yrs into grieving, and find myself overwhelmed by the thought that this will be what i have to deal with for the rest of my life. it doesn't feel survivable, even when i have survived this far...<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-79076863743702023992012-12-27T12:48:00.003-06:002012-12-27T12:48:58.236-06:00triggers triggers everywherethis morning, i opened my email to find a donation solicitation email with the subject line "Xander stopped breathing..." sent by the March of Dimes (though the sender's name was Jennifer Howse). <br />
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before i get on my soapbox, let me start off by saying that i respect MoD as an organization and i'm thankful to them for all of the research they do and support they give to families. i have several dear friends BLMs and non-BLMs that have benefited from the amazing work that MoD has done...<br />
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BUT i think that email was tasteless and insensitive. before i even realized it was from MoD, i thought it was from a parent who had recently lost her child, found my information through my blog, and was contacting me for support. my heart skipped a beat. i was immediately taken back to *that* day. the day that MY son stopped breathing. the day that my world shattered around me.<br />
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and though i'm happy that "xander" and his family had their "happy ending" as the email goes on to say, my son's story did not. he is gone. i'm broken hearted. and thinking that there was another family that was reaching out to me because they had lost their child, got me immediately emotional. to open that email and realize that they were only requesting a donation made me livid.<br />
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i have donated to MoD in the past without any problem. as i said before, i fully support them and their mission. but using that email subject line, in my opinion, to get a certain response from their reader is unacceptable. not everyone is going to have a positive reaction reading that. there are those of us who have lost children, and reading those words are hurtful. and i would think that an organization such as MoD would understand that - not every family has a happy ending, and some of those families are on their distribution list, unfortunately.<br />
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i have contacted MoD (by email/FB message), and have explained to them why i found their email hurtful. i know there are some that don't understand why it hurts me as much as it does, and that's ok. i'm not trying to launch an attack on them at all. but it is important for me to stand up for my grief, and to bring this issue to their attention. it helps lessen the pain they've caused me today.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-24445632570997044292012-12-17T16:21:00.001-06:002012-12-17T16:21:14.962-06:00christmas time is here...it's hard for me to believe that once again it's christmas time. it hasn't really felt that way. the temperature has been on the warmer side, and since we don't watch tv i've avoided all of the christmas commercials. but this year, i have found myself being able to acknowledge the holiday, which is a dramatic difference from the last 2 years. i can actually say "merry christmas" to someone in response without cringing. and i caught myself last week actually singing a christmas song.<br />
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we have put up minimal decorations at our house. our rainbow is a bit too mischievous for us to put up an actual tree, and i really didn't have it in me to do it anyway. but D and i did buy a small ornament tree, which we have put up in the living room to display all of the ornaments that we have for Julius. i also decorated his spot on our dresser with garland. and because i didn't want baby girl to miss out on all of the holiday fun, i strung some lights in our bedroom around the doorway. she loves them.<br />
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however, just when i was starting to feel that the heavy burden of grief was lifting, and just as i was starting to see the world as a happier/friendlier place, i heard about the horrific shooting on friday. i will never understand this type of senseless violence. and as a person who has lost a child, and has experienced one of the most unnatural things ever, my heart breaks even further to think of those parents who received word of what had happened to their children. their precious, innocent, magical children. i really had to take a step back from reading/listening to the news and updates because it was making me physically ill. it takes me back to those 1st few months of my early grief when the weight of it all was so incredibly suffocating. to have your child taken from you in such a horrific way. i can't comprehend it. but my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers are with those families especially during this holiday season.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-6598392793126276212012-11-16T10:52:00.000-06:002012-11-16T10:52:36.697-06:00paralyzing feari'm slowly realizing that there may not be any end in sight to my living in fear. there is just no going back to the life of blissful ignorance once you have lost a child. i keep waiting for the day when i will breathe a sigh of relief *knowing* that our rainbow is safe and here for the long haul. we just marked her 10 month birthday. it was a day of many emotions. we've never gotten to double digits before. she is so grown, the oldest our babies have ever been. we were so happy to get to that point with her. and yet there was a deep pain in my heart because i could not say the same about my son, my first born baby boy.<br />
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it's so incredibly difficult to balance both of those emotions at once. and i am so incredibly jealous of those that don't have to think in these terms. why didn't my son make it to 10 months? why was his life cut so short? why are we left to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts and to figure out how to manage our grief and our pain? i know i will never get answers to these questions.<br />
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our girl does such an amazing job of making us smile every day. i depend on her and her existence in this world more than it's probably fair to and more than she will probably ever know or realize. i wonder if all of my clinginess to her is negatively affecting her. she develops more and more each day. she claps, she kisses, she screeches, she walks, she crawls, she has teeth. each and every moment we cherish and celebrate knowing that at any moment it could all be taken away from us.<br />
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and though i'm so happy to see her develop, each new stage brings with it it's own set of worries and fears. starting solids has made me freak out every moment that she might choke. i damn near chew pieces of food for her before giving it to her alicia silverstone-style. her learning to walk has me constantly on guard that she might fall and bump her head. i just can't relax. i guess all i can do is try to take it moment by moment. but sometimes living that way is exhausting as well.<br />
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tomorrow we will be traveling to spend the thanksgiving holiday with my in-laws. thanksgiving is incredibly hard for me as it is the first major holiday that passed after Julius passed away. it is crazy to me that we are now at a point that we can acknowledge the holiday with a little one in our arms. but we still desperately miss he little one we carry with us in our heart. i am really just hoping that we make it through next week in one piece. and that is my hope for all of my BLMs as well.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-23531298060048246112012-11-01T08:22:00.000-05:002012-11-01T08:22:44.933-05:00grief new yearit's november. my grief new year. all of my big milestone days are done for 2012, and now the anticipation of his 3rd birthday begins. right now i am a little relieved, though, to be out of the month of october. i absolutely detest that month. but i am glad that we have all survived another october. i've wanted to blog about what we've been doing this month, but i really had no extra energy to spare.<br />
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i kept myself really busy, mostly as a distraction. it helped a bit, but when it comes down to it, nothing can make me forget the fact that my precious son passed away 2 years ago. it doesn't matter how many projects i take on.<br />
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early in october, a friend/local SIDS mom helped me plan a zumbathon to raise money for CJ Foundation and First Candle. it was so much work, planning and promoting that event, but it went SOOOO well! we had a really good turn out for our 1st zumbathon. and we raised over $500 that day. in total we raised $660 and sent $330 to both of those organizations. thank you to everyone who donated to our fundraiser!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">during our zumbathon. we had over 50 people</td></tr>
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the day of his angelversary, i really didn't have anything planned. last year we went to the zoo in nashville, and then had a little balloon release. i HAD to get out of this city on that day. this year, i didn't feel that urgency. but i did still feel the need to take off of work to stay close to my family, and i'm glad i did. we ended up going to the park that we were at the day before he passed away. the museum had FINALLY received and placed his brick the day before (after a year and a half almost), so i wanted to see it. and since it had taken so long, they generously refunded our money and gave us a 1 year membership to the museum, so we took a stroll of the museum afterward. and then had lunch at the restaurant connected to the museum that Julius and i stopped and ate at the day before he passed away. it was hard to go in, especially since i have avoided it all this time, but i'm glad we did (now my meal was a huge fail, but i'm not going to get into that one).<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">finally placed.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">can't believe it's been 2 years since i kissed this boy.</td></tr>
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our rainbow has been keeping us incredibly busy. she is on the brink of walking, and is really all over the place. her diva nature is coming out more and more. she's hilarious. so updating when i get home is just not going to happen. she requires all of my attention and focus (and i gladly oblige). but even with her at home with us, the weight of absence is GREATLY felt. and we try constantly to keep him present in our daily lives and to make it feel like we are bringing him with us instead of leaving him behind.<br />
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everyone knows my obsession with Paul Frank's Julius the monkey. well, i found this shirt at target a few weeks ago and had to buy it. there is actually a whole line of PF sleepwear. i loved it all, but just ended up getting this shirt. which worked out well, because a few days later, my amazing coworker bought me another shirt and pants. so i wear Julius to bed every night now. <br />
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and speaking of PF, i found the PF fan page on FB, and "liked" it. really i felt like an idiot for not finding it earlier. not sure why it never crossed my mind to look for it. anyway, while looking through the page, my heart just started to swell. his name, of course, was all over the page thanks to Julius the monkey. so i took a couple of minutes to write a little something on the page to let the people at PF know how much Julius means to me. and they responded!!!! i love them even more now.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Julius remembers my Julius!</td></tr>
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i've also been working on some DIY crafts from that i've found on pinterest - DIY sharpie mug.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXihcvviz8dpS27nGelW2W83tDWGFDbbYC3gshTuef78s-k38hRbhatiT_31c6DAABIyBHNHdK2LWD1Q_l3qH5RDWHBsVDsqjItxvGntZDqgYx7NA4Uz6ox65sf6Mt0T7BGM2gFmGTs9K5/s1600/923D93C5-9241-4099-9DB0-5E9879F896C7.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXihcvviz8dpS27nGelW2W83tDWGFDbbYC3gshTuef78s-k38hRbhatiT_31c6DAABIyBHNHdK2LWD1Q_l3qH5RDWHBsVDsqjItxvGntZDqgYx7NA4Uz6ox65sf6Mt0T7BGM2gFmGTs9K5/s320/923D93C5-9241-4099-9DB0-5E9879F896C7.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">my Julius mug. just write on a mug with sharpie and bake in over at 350</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
this month was difficult, and with the holidays approaching, i know there are still difficult days ahead of me this year. i'm torn because i desperately want to experience the holiday season with our rainbow, but i miss my son, wish he were here, and hope that he isn't forgotten by anyone. i guess i just hope that our girl's presence doesn't overshadow the existence of our boy. it's just a tough balance, and i really wish i didn't have to deal with this. i just wish so much that this wasn't my reality and that Julius was here.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJrbo3cJPg1-t6VzAlkWi49sm9s6-iw2gW2FWDf4WjmDLaGc5xbWBhsLooq_r2wiub2Nb1SI8XBYP3EoBREOa_cgm87pOStGHOec8UuJ0k_P2k81JZH1qKB0_GaywSYKroCQH1jt-h5MgM/s1600/6A12E333-82EF-43FF-A432-FB9FDA5CF421.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJrbo3cJPg1-t6VzAlkWi49sm9s6-iw2gW2FWDf4WjmDLaGc5xbWBhsLooq_r2wiub2Nb1SI8XBYP3EoBREOa_cgm87pOStGHOec8UuJ0k_P2k81JZH1qKB0_GaywSYKroCQH1jt-h5MgM/s320/6A12E333-82EF-43FF-A432-FB9FDA5CF421.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">pic we took during our family pics in sept.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-51721408031174538232012-10-10T07:43:00.000-05:002012-10-10T07:43:09.671-05:00why?...does *that* day have to roll around again? why hasn't someone removed it from the calendar already? in just 2 short days, it will be Julius' angelversary. 2 years ago i survived the worst thing anyone can experience - the death of their child. i still can't wrap my mind around the fact that it's been that long. when i think back on that day, which i try my hardest not to do, i can still feel that raw, intense pain. i still remember some parts with such vividness that it makes me feel like it just happened yesterday.<br />
<br />
and yet i look at where i am in life, and can't believe that i have made it this far. i can't believe i have survived this, or "continue to survive this" i should say. our girl is still here with us, growing, thriving, making us run circles around her. she has turned 9 months - double the age Julius lived to be. oh, she makes us happier than we have been since we lost him. but, my goodness, do we miss him still - even more actually.<br />
<br />
this year i have no plans for that day. last year i felt the urgency to get out of town, so D and i went to the nashville zoo a few hours away. the zoo packed full of children, and me heavily pregnant and grieving. i didn't think i'd be able to do it, but we actually had a decent time. this year, while i don't feel the need to get out of town, i know that i can't go through my typical routine. so i will be taking time to do something different. just not sure what...<br />
<br />
i've been so engrossed in planning our fundraiser zumbathon (we called it "ZumbAway SIDS") which took place last weekend, that i have not had time to make plans for *that* day. the zumbathon was amazing, better than i could have ever hoped for. we had a great turnout, and plan to do it annually. working on that was a great distraction from the reality of what was/is approaching. but now it's over. and it's back to reality...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-89050460938396429642012-09-13T11:15:00.000-05:002012-09-14T10:06:20.555-05:00desperately hanging on...<br />
going into this year, and the birth of our rainbow, though i was excited to meet her and become an earthly momma again, i was terrified of having to let go of Julius. i knew that our lives would become so wrapped up in our baby girl, and i was just worried that i wouldn't be able to "mother" Julius and his legacy the same way i did in 2011.<br />
<br />
i have been lucky this year, in that i've been able to do several things to honor my son (including the conference we went to last month). i'm actually in the midst of planning another one. a local SIDS mom, and dear friend (and fellow Zumba instructor), and i are planning a Zumbathon "ZumbAway SIDS" that will take place on Oct 6th. 2 straight hours of zumba! and all the proceeds will be going to both <a href="http://firstcandle.org/">First Candle</a> and <a href="http://cjsids.org/">CJ Foundation for SIDS</a>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEime1c12QlfrQpH0K58LxQifDNIBmgVCkk3KI1EeShuE_4sd59O2tvX9NlPV022rOJSmkOiAGw41k3L8KTV49kjLpvhpVCBBeLmskEYKei4NJWPbE9nqc5OQSw5aXAQMi-8SGq5iLr6ACrr/s1600/tiffany+flyer+FINAL%281%29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEime1c12QlfrQpH0K58LxQifDNIBmgVCkk3KI1EeShuE_4sd59O2tvX9NlPV022rOJSmkOiAGw41k3L8KTV49kjLpvhpVCBBeLmskEYKei4NJWPbE9nqc5OQSw5aXAQMi-8SGq5iLr6ACrr/s320/tiffany+flyer+FINAL%281%29.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
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so if you are in the local area, please join us!! if you are not, you can still donate. just go to our <a href="http://zumbawaysidshuntsville.blogspot.com/">site </a>and click the donate link on the right hand side. no amount is too small, seriously!<br />
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o, and did you know that Julius has made his way to mcdonald's? my dear coworker brought me the happy meal box. i don't usually frequent there, but i just might now (well, until they stop giving away Julius toys)...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimSWmaOte6vQ_adD1-dVuvvyDGgUh8kbABOKqNxg_xVnEeea6g5NSPh_YCtYmoqX9LXPOD4dVfoKE0MPu2DxmvM8LERVJltB0dIa1yLzGJkn4UCzr45-KOzeC8j10glut6vFURJ6dwDXwI/s1600/8F45A1A3-CD9C-4146-94D1-BF20E4044257.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimSWmaOte6vQ_adD1-dVuvvyDGgUh8kbABOKqNxg_xVnEeea6g5NSPh_YCtYmoqX9LXPOD4dVfoKE0MPu2DxmvM8LERVJltB0dIa1yLzGJkn4UCzr45-KOzeC8j10glut6vFURJ6dwDXwI/s320/8F45A1A3-CD9C-4146-94D1-BF20E4044257.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
i may be a momma desperate to hold on, but i like to think that Julius is sending me a sign that he's near me - near us - always. i'd like to think that he's letting me know that i don't have to worry about ever letting him go, because he won't be letting go of me either. :')Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-9813002788445535832012-09-10T09:06:00.000-05:002012-09-10T13:56:17.425-05:00we keep pressing on...last week was hard, emotionally.<br />
<br />
our little one got sick for the 1st time. she had a tummy bug. i got the call from D at work that she had thrown up and wasn't feeling well. and the panic started. despite his urging me to stay at work, i packed up my things to head home. but i was paralyzed by fear. i didn't want to leave. the last time i got a phone call at work (on the same day of the week, no less) that there was something wrong with my baby, i ended up going home from the hospital empty-handed, broken-hearted, and devastated.<br />
<br />
but i gathered up all the courage i had and headed home, crying all the way there. when i got there, and saw my baby looking so tired and pitiful, i lost it. i was so sure that this was the day that i had been dreading since i found out i was pregnant with her - the day she would be leaving us too. and after i freaked out, i calmed down enough to scoop her in my arms. i begged her to eat something. i kissed her over and over, and ran my fingers through her hair.<br />
<br />
she continued refusing to eat, and throwing up. and i prepared myself for the thought of having to take her to a hospital. but eventually we forced her to take some pedialyte. and then little by little she came around and eventually nursed. by evening she was looking much better and acting more normal. by the next morning, she was pretty much back to normal. but my heart and head felt as though they were on the brink of exploding.<br />
<br />
i took the next day off of work to recuperate.<br />
<br />
a few days later, she turned 8 months old - another milestone day i never made it to with Julius. but i was on my high of thankfulness that we had made it that far. and in the midst of the happiness, i found the pad of paper that D began writing his eulogy for Julius' service. and the spiral began again.<br />
<br />
needless to say that by the end of the week, i was completely exhausted. i am thankful that little girl only had a tummy bug, and that we have made it to 8 months with her. i know there will be other instances in which she will get sick or hurt, and i dread each one. but i hope that eventually i will be able to react to the situation without having my PTSD take over and get the best of me. until then, with the help of D and Julius, i will keep pressing on.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-7156839005863477362012-08-27T13:19:00.000-05:002012-08-27T13:19:37.212-05:00the conferencelast week was the conference.<br />
it was hard, but not as bad as i thought it would be.<br />
a few people did say things that made me cringe, including 1 "everything happens for a reason" (ugh!)<br />
but for the most part, i got to share my amazing boy with those in attendance, so it was worth it.<br />
thank you to everyone that posted, sent me a message, or thought about us.<br />
i felt the love surrounding me, which, no doubt, got me through the day.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjugXh_7xNFhrJx-BsG4rNJV8OWiLfw0BDQelBmythu3FWav1nCaLgRF0JzYLr1WrpGZwogJlBmpoeM_jBUimXaKMO6UVNf1kWGnNMZiIeSsHUkuRPvebgA94luQNpyFg0mlgzzvKxn-lZZ/s1600/3D7D13D4-3B7E-40AF-BA94-E25591BF8CFE.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjugXh_7xNFhrJx-BsG4rNJV8OWiLfw0BDQelBmythu3FWav1nCaLgRF0JzYLr1WrpGZwogJlBmpoeM_jBUimXaKMO6UVNf1kWGnNMZiIeSsHUkuRPvebgA94luQNpyFg0mlgzzvKxn-lZZ/s320/3D7D13D4-3B7E-40AF-BA94-E25591BF8CFE.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">our setup</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyNYFZYPrTIlKUXfMxMPlAmII2TQ5LR9QW_HCwspvmZ62feXGkIjcUpPf4w4ZHPNjfimum74FYNPyTl7RB_CUPaoTQ9tEGhqaGlZlpJ3C-TLTvchcllmNWYpQCT7FZDsUuonM3hrDoLjdX/s1600/322F41F6-AC35-4EDF-B406-711DE5F3EBE2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyNYFZYPrTIlKUXfMxMPlAmII2TQ5LR9QW_HCwspvmZ62feXGkIjcUpPf4w4ZHPNjfimum74FYNPyTl7RB_CUPaoTQ9tEGhqaGlZlpJ3C-TLTvchcllmNWYpQCT7FZDsUuonM3hrDoLjdX/s320/322F41F6-AC35-4EDF-B406-711DE5F3EBE2.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">manning the table</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Tf8OJEFc1cK5eqlQWR6LFVPBLORQnumgD-eTHufLGUc3np9gGGO0n47v40m0ZdSTGcD_hUizBH0oVsw5sPaP-HNUYvRpOkcjTUM40eQOtB60DtYdwSaXG0dGOTFGrGiSIMLEgM5g2Er2/s1600/839864DE-365D-45D1-8A39-20E7B19F1C98.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Tf8OJEFc1cK5eqlQWR6LFVPBLORQnumgD-eTHufLGUc3np9gGGO0n47v40m0ZdSTGcD_hUizBH0oVsw5sPaP-HNUYvRpOkcjTUM40eQOtB60DtYdwSaXG0dGOTFGrGiSIMLEgM5g2Er2/s320/839864DE-365D-45D1-8A39-20E7B19F1C98.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the 4 of us</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-70670179225871151902012-08-22T08:57:00.000-05:002012-08-22T08:57:49.780-05:00i need you, my love<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Dear Juji Muji,</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
I miss you. Tomorrow we will be attending the SIDS conference on behalf of our non-profit, and I'm so nervous. We've been so busy getting ready for it that it hasn't really registered what we will be doing. I'm not really sure what to expect. But I know that it will be a day of thinking of you, and what happened on the absolute worst day of our lives. It will be a day of reliving the day my heart literally broke in half. I'm hoping that I won't be asked about that day too much. But that I will get to do a lot of bragging about my firstborn baby boy, and his very meaningful life.</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoywNFKTx38mgPIl-iDGWm9HW9i6qDGJrNIBoFKZ9J6-4gUnpUfz3nUPzzcyVIojTyEtXDf_La_FAJbFaXtDPSm9849GEcSkzd5ZFJSImYVJ0Hs_jEN86wwCm1GxcRNIhfuawJGvDCVFWA/s1600/E2EB7AB9-B54C-4384-8800-C19A7621E706.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" mda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoywNFKTx38mgPIl-iDGWm9HW9i6qDGJrNIBoFKZ9J6-4gUnpUfz3nUPzzcyVIojTyEtXDf_La_FAJbFaXtDPSm9849GEcSkzd5ZFJSImYVJ0Hs_jEN86wwCm1GxcRNIhfuawJGvDCVFWA/s320/E2EB7AB9-B54C-4384-8800-C19A7621E706.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">our display board for the conference</td></tr>
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
You aren't here with us physically, but you are deeply missed. You are constantly thought about. You are forever loved and cherished. Though your life was so incredibly short, you had such a profound, lasting impact on us and the world. </div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
I wish I could kiss your sweet face again.</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
I wish I could brush your curly hair again.</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
I wish I could cuddle all 19lbs of your delicious chubbiness again.</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
I wish I could stick my nose in your neck rolls and breathe in your wonderful baby smells again.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
But until then, I will keep working on things that bring me close to you. Until then, I will brag and talk about you to anyone who will listen. Until then, I will tell your little sister all about you...</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYQxUWrsbmR2IHmIr2V89eCS-X8LX1LUzoWZ6vg5VJXZMc7m9ChyPZmD8z3iKEghCNKycNz8PeAAhy0rAaYPTi0Vpvo4i6rpeJe0fpVP3bSM7QcZkQK-6bDf7VJie-SjdGRxHTtNsreZW0/s1600/959EA63E-CCEB-4343-A008-7C42F471D12D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" mda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYQxUWrsbmR2IHmIr2V89eCS-X8LX1LUzoWZ6vg5VJXZMc7m9ChyPZmD8z3iKEghCNKycNz8PeAAhy0rAaYPTi0Vpvo4i6rpeJe0fpVP3bSM7QcZkQK-6bDf7VJie-SjdGRxHTtNsreZW0/s320/959EA63E-CCEB-4343-A008-7C42F471D12D.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the 3 of us</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Help me get through tomorrow, please. Stay extra close to me and surround me with your love.</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
I miss you and love you so much,</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Mommy</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6356774295771707830.post-4784071387951222472012-08-10T15:29:00.002-05:002012-08-10T15:29:16.807-05:00Giving back with Stella & Dot: Faces of Loss, Faces of Hopeas i mentioned in my last post, i recently became a <a href="http://www.stelladot.com/tiffanytorres">Stella & Dot</a> stylist. i was trying to figure out how i could incorporate my baby boy, and use this new journey for good, and then it hit me. fundraising! so i got in contact with the lovely <a href="http://dearbabycook.blogspot.com/2012/08/happy-birthday-to-me.html">kristin</a>, founder of <a href="http://facesofloss.com/">Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope</a>, and asked if she would allow me to throw her an online "trunk show" to raise money for FOLFOH.<br />
<br />
i know for me personally, kristin and FOLFOH have done so much for us. i'm so thankful to her for starting that amazing organization, and giving all of us BLMs a way to connect, and talk about our precious children. so i am truly honored to be able to do this for FOLFOH. plus, kristin is just an amazing person, period. and i'm glad that i have had the privilege of meeting her in person.<br />
<br />
so please check out kristin's online trunk show benefiting Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope at this link (<a href="http://www.stelladot.com/ts/hvmi5">http://www.stelladot.com/ts/hvmi5</a>). i will be donating <b>50%</b> of the proceeds FOLFOH {please make sure to purchase through the link posted for it to count}.<br />
<br />
and if you are wondering if there is anything you could get from S&D to honor your little one/loved one, the answer is YES. S&D's new charms collection is such a great way to tell your story, as they can be personalized. i got charms to represent both of my babies, and love it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJWVEanxN9yulxvQcq83DWMvJveh2IJw1BqkZ49qtjTQuuFiPDyonK2FqhZI0p49kqpev8LU6dwzz04TK0yGj7HLiB9hxSI3Qy27hpLr7WpYV-yNWs0z-VQuunHdxx6mhRzYy3NieJvwgx/s1600/E7B13D57-834E-4FE8-A38F-6EAA8FD16034.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJWVEanxN9yulxvQcq83DWMvJveh2IJw1BqkZ49qtjTQuuFiPDyonK2FqhZI0p49kqpev8LU6dwzz04TK0yGj7HLiB9hxSI3Qy27hpLr7WpYV-yNWs0z-VQuunHdxx6mhRzYy3NieJvwgx/s320/E7B13D57-834E-4FE8-A38F-6EAA8FD16034.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the angel wing is called "watch over you" and represents Julius. the shoe is called "pitter patter" and represents baby girl.</td></tr>
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a big "thank you" to kristin and FOLFOH for all they do for grieving families. and even bigger "thank you" in advance to everyone for your support!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5