i haven't been able to update as much as i would like to. but life has been hectic (in a great way of course). we have pretty much been cooped up in the house enjoying our time together. of course this also means that our days are blurring into each other. a typical day consists of waking up, feeding our girl, fighting with D over who gets to love on her when she isn't nursing, and sleeping. i'm sure there is some other stuff i'm leaving out, but it really isn't that important.
she has been keeping us incredibly busy. and has brought some much needed joy and laughter into our lives. it's hilarious to see her little personality develop. i see so much of Julius in her, but at the same time she makes it abundantly clear to us that she is her own person, not to be confused with her brother. she is definitely
much sassier than he. and there is no doubt that, like her brother, she already has us wrapped around her finger.
anyway, over the passed few weeks i have come across some words/passages i wanted to share. so i thought i would take a minute to do that before i forgot all together.
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i know this made it's way on several blogs, but i also wanted to post it. i know many people know franchesca from small bird studios (and the mother of Jenna). a few weeks ago, she wrote the post
when you lose a baby. if you haven't read it yet, please do.
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i read this next blog post {called "on the complications of living}
here.
"Sometimes I think the greatest crime perpetrated against people in pain is the idea that they need to be healed of their suffering, that their suffering is somehow an affront to non-suffering people. She’s playing the victim again, we say scornfully. Oh my god, it’s been ten years since that happened! Why doesn’t she get over it! Time, we are certain, will lead to healing, and people are just being stubborn if it doesn’t...
It means that we don’t ever heal, because we can’t. Because no matter how much you badger us, we know that it is never going to be okay, what happened. What we are going to do is learn to live with it, although sometimes we don’t even manage that very well."
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a few weeks ago, i finished the book "knocked up, knocked down" by monica lemoine.
it's a really honest, heart-wrenching memoir of her experience dealing with several pregnancy losses and the stillbirth of their son. although we lost Julius in a different way than she lost her children, some of the things she said really resonated with me. especially this one excerpt:
"getting a grim prognosis is so bewildering compared to how i always imagined it would be, so anti-climactic...sure, you've got doctors dishing out facts and numbers - but nobody offers up any simple formulas for consuming those facts, digesting them.the bad news just gets dropped on top of your head like a big, confusing shit sundae: BOO-YA. and guess who gets to deal with the mess? not your mom, not your friends, not God, not your teacher, not your maid, not your dog. nope; it's all you. you, you, you."
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the other day i was catching up on some of the blogs that i follow, and i was so happy to see
this post made by Cora's mom, Kristine. she has taken the time to write up an ebook entitled, "when a friend's baby dies (helping your friend after babyloss)" based on her experience losing Cora. i know i wish i had had this ebook to read before we lost Julius and after my dear friend rebecca lost her precious baby girl. and so many of my friends have admitted while reaching out to us, that they didn't really know what to do or say. so i think it's amazing that this resource now exists. you can download the ebook for free from her blog (the link above should take you there), or you can go to amazon and download to your kindle (i think it costs $.99 to do it that way though).
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edited to add: i knew i was going to forget about something i wanted to share. i also wanted to share
brooke's post,
"on choosing love again". i found myself nodding in agreement the whole time, feeling as though i could have written that post myself. of course she is much more eloquent than i. this passage especially resonated with me.
"I think now, though, that opening
yourself up to the possibility of having another baby, or resigning
yourself to the understanding that you won't try to have another
baby, both of those are profound choices and huge acts of love. Either
way, your life has gone down a path you never wanted to travel, a path
you would have resisted with every fiber of your being, kicking and
screaming if you'd been given the option. Either way, you have to find a
way to look forward, to sort through the pain until you find a reason
to go on. And in order to go forward, you have to let go of something. Not your loved one, but maybe your fear of leaving them behind.
I wanted another baby, and I know
that I'm lucky to have that possibility. Luckier than many who are
equally or more deserving. I wanted another baby because Eliza had made
me a mom and that experience had changed me forever. It was like my
heart knew, even though it never really occurred to my brain, that while
one child cannot replace another, the only thing that helps this kind
of hurt is to experience more love. Another love won't leave Eliza
behind. How could it, when she's wedged in that tender, broken,
beautiful spot in the center of my heart? The one that's stitched up
with silver thread?"
i especially love the line in bold. that one line summarizes everything for me. i never knew why, when i was so unsure about everything else in my life, i was SO sure about having another child after Julius. thank you, brooke, for putting into words what i could not.
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and finally i leave you with this pin that i found and that says exactly how i am feeling at this moment.
