Thursday, May 30, 2013

Happy 3rd Birthday!

Dear Julius,

Today is your 3rd birthday. 3 years ago, I looked into your eyes for the first time. 3 year ago, my life changed drastically. 3 years ago, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Unbeknowst to me you were the missing piece of my puzzle.

It's so hard to live through a May 30th without you. This day, made special for you, should be celebrated by you. You should be here with us opening presents, eating too many sweets, and getting showered with love and affection.

I don't know why you aren't here with us. I don't know how I've survived this long without you. I don't know how I'm going to survive the rest of my life without you. But what I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that I love you today more than I ever thought I could. I miss you today more than I ever thought I could. And that will never change.

I try to keep today about happiness, because that is what you brought into our lives. I'm not sure if what I have planned today is something you would have liked to do. I always struggle to plan your special day because you are no longer here to celebrate. Please know that whatever we decide to do, be it big or low-key, is done with you at the center of our minds and hearts. And that will never change.

You are forever mine. I am forever yours. And that will never change.

Loving you always,

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

another may

it's been a while since i've written, and honestly, it's because i've been too overwhelmed by my emotions that i decided the best thing to do was not to acknowledge them. but that only gets you so far. and before i knew it, a minor argument with my hubby about something so trivial ended with me sobbing in bed asking the universe why it saw fit to take my son from me. so yea, that was my clue that it was about time to write...

we are almost through another may. the month of my son's birth. he would be turning 3 this year. it's hard for me to imagine the 3 year old he would have been. no doubt, he would have been the most beautiful 3 year old i would have ever laid my eyes on. but i wonder what his personality would have been like. watching his sister's personality develop is so very bittersweet. because in my heart i know he was my mellow, obedient, loving child. but i never got to see how it unfolded. i will never get to see all of those "quirks" that would have made him him. it's hard to reconcile that fact in my mind. after all this time, it's still hard to believe he is gone.

this year to celebrate Julius' birthday, we will be spending the day as a family. we plan to take baby girl to the zoo, and don our Julius the monkey gear. there will be some type of sweet treat, though i haven't really decided that yet. it's always so hard to plan how to celebrate the birthday of your child that is no longer with you. this will be my 3rd without him, and it hasn't gotten any easier. actually nothing about grieving his loss has gotten easier other than my ability to "fake it" in public. the pain is still as deep and profound, the longing still as intense. grieving your child is a lifelong process for sure.

in addition to dealing with all of the feelings surrounding Julius' birthday, i had to deal with mother's day. i still dread that day even though our baby girl is here. luckily we were at a cookout to celebrate someone's graduation from college, so i wasn't too focused on what day it was. and only had to deal with one comment/question about it being my 1st mother's day. on the whole the day wasn't too bad.

and as if those 2 events weren't enough, we also moved this month. we moved from our 1st house - the house that has been there for us through the birth of both of our children, and the death of our son. the house that has seen us at our absolute worst, and has sheltered and protected us. we had that house built, and picked out the colors of everything. it was my personal sanctuary, and i was very attached to it. but in the end, we had to move. it's really hard to think about the fact that i won't have memories of Julius alive in our new place. i know he is still with us, but it's different. and that difference makes it so painfully hard to bear.