Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Dear Julius,

Happy Birthday! Words fail me. Everything I want to say, I feel I have said a million times. We miss you. We love you. We wish you were here. Today we celebrate your life, the time we had with you, and the way you changed the world. I hope wherever you are, you are safe and happy and know just how much you are loved and adored. I'm incredibly proud to call you my son.

Love always,

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Right Where I Am: 1 year, 7 months, 3 weeks, 2 days

i don't understand how it's been almost a year since i made this post. in fact, i was so shocked when i saw that some of my blogger friends were making new posts, convinced that surely a whole year had not passed. i was wrong, it has.

so where am i on my grief journey currently? well, today is the day before my son's 2nd birthday. i'm still broken shattered. the past few days my heart has been heavier than normal, and i've been weepier (is that even a word?) than normal. i just miss him so intensely, and i wish more than anything that he was here with us.

this last year we have gone through so many transitions. we had just celebrated Julius' 1st birthday without him, and discovered that i was pregnant for the 2nd time weeks before i wrote the last post. since then we marked his angelversary, i gave birth to his baby sister, and she  has now officially outlived him.

my grief has taken so many shapes in that year. during my pregnancy i became very withdrawn. pregnancy itself leaves a person with very little energy. but pregnancy, on top of grief left me feeling so incredibly run down. i only had enough energy to do the bear minimum. i kept myself so busy, maybe too busy, that if/when i did have "free time" it was spent laid up on the couch watching tv and trying to recouperate. i avoided people as much as i could because i just couldn't deal with the well-wishes, or questions about my pregnancy, since i was sure that those questions would lead to me telling Julius' story.

after she was born, despite being excited that she was now with us, i was full of dread. again, it's hard enough to deal with the recovery process of labor/birth and everything that goes along with breastfeeding, but to do all of that while grieving left me feeling overwhelmed. and again, we spent most of the time in the house, withdrawn from the outside world. in my mind, the countdown had begun, and i still wasn't emotionally ready to deal with the well-wishes, and superficial conversation about babies.

it has only been recently that i've been feeling that i'm finally finding my footing {though typing those words causes a surge of anxiety within me as though i'm going to jinx something}. our baby girl has been keeping us busy, and making us laugh. she has brought healing to our hearts, and joy to our home. but every single moment of happiness and shear bliss, is followed by a twinge of pain because Julius is not with us. we are missing out on so much without him. she has exponentially increased the love in our hearts, but she does not erase the pain of his loss {nor would i want her to}.

i still feel that ebb and flow of grief. some days are easier to deal with than others. because of his birthday tomorrow the days have been harder to get through. but what hasn't changed since the last time i posted is that, despite once thinking that i would never make it if anything ever happened to my child, i continue to survive this, taking things one day at a time. all the while thankful for the chance to love him, even for a short while, in person, and eternally in my heart.

Monday, May 21, 2012

planning a birthday party

dammit, this is not the way it should be. i go back and forth between sadness and anger, oh, and denial.
i just still can't believe that i have to celebrate my son's life without him...again.

we have survived several milestones already. today baby girl has already outlived her brother. but i continue to step cautiously through the rest of this month, because, well, i know that we are not spared any further suffering or heartache, so i'm still on guard.

i have just now started to get things together for his special day (mostly because i noticed that the days continued to pass by even though i didn't want them to). i haven't done TOO much planning, but i have nailed down the theme:

did you know that that paul frank monkey is named Julius???? i found out shortly after my boy passed away. and now i'm obsessed. seriously. and thanks to target for feeding my obsession as Julius is

so we will have a Julius cake (and i'm deciding whether i want to attempt making fondant). i'm planning on getting us some Julius gear to wear (i found a really cute shirt for me and onesie for the girl). we will light his candle. there will be a balloon release. definitely some KFC for dinner (i had that after i gave birth to him). lots of snuggles with our girl. lots of talking about our boy. i will be taking the day off of work, and staying close to my little family. and i have already ordered his memorial ad with our paper, which will run the day before. so my plans are coming together. but i have a favor to ask...

i would love if you all will help me celebrate my son's life as well. i finally started to print out all of the name gallery pics that we have had done for him, and that other people have sent us. like

and will be placing them all in a photo album just for him which i will fill up throughout the years, considering i won't get to fill an album with recent pics of him. anway, if you would like to help me with this project i would be forever grateful. all you have to do is write my son's name in some creative way (really any way will do), take a pic, and send it to me. it would mean so so much!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

To the boy who made me a mom

Dear Julius,
I miss you so much. Thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for giving me purpose. Thank you for making my world better. Even though our time here was cut so short, my love for you is eternal, and it grows exponentially each day. You are my child forever, and I'm your mom. Stay extra close to me as I get through this day without you.

Loving you always,

Friday, May 11, 2012

let me give your heart a break

yesterday while listening to the radio, a line in one of the songs i was listening to caught my attention: "let me give your heart a break."

as yet another mother's day descends upon us, that is what i wish i could do for all of my fellow bereaved mothers. i wish i could give your hearts a break. i wish i could take away some of the pain that we all feel on a daily basis grieving our children. i wish that we all got a lifetime pass from ever having to deal with any kind of suffering or loss again after losing our children.

but unfortunately that is not the case. i don't know why but in the last couple of weeks it feels as though i have heard quite a few stories of loss, some families that have experienced this intense pain for the first time, and some families that, heartbreakingly, have had to go through the pain of loss again.

to all of you out there that are hurting:

i'm sorry.

i hope this mother's day is gentle.

i wish i could give your heart a break.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

broken hearted

i intended to post something very different today, but then i found out that one of my dear blogger friends and BLM has lost her rainbow baby. the one she was expecting to hold in her arms very soon. the one that we have been rooting for her to be able to bring home and love on, and tell all about her amazing brother.

i didn't know it was possible for my already broken heart to break some more. i feel like running out into the parking lot and screaming. how can this happen again to someone so good, so loving, so deserving of happiness? it makes me sick sometimes to think about how unfair life can be. if you have a minute, please send up some thoughts and prayers for my friend and her family who are starting their grief journey for their second child while they continue to mourn their son.

thinking of my dear friend and her amazing angels Liam and Evelynn...