Tuesday, July 8, 2014

4.5 months

this should be a joyous time, rainbow #2 is fast approaching the 4.5 month mark, but i'm filled with fear and anxiety. this is the age Julius was when he passed away. and with both rainbows when i have gotten to this point, i panic inside. will history repeat itself? i feel like i'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. and now particularly because rainbow 2 is a boy, i feel a heightened sense of impending doom. it makes me a little nauseous to be quite honest.

i wonder if i will ever get to see a little boy of mine live past 4.5 months. i beg the universe to give me the opportunity for a long life with this son (with both of my rainbows for that matter). the passed 2 weeks i have felt as though i'm holding my breath. i'm just trying to make it through the month of july. this is just the 1st of a series of milestones that i'd like to pass with this little boy. and even when i make it passed this milestone, it will still be deeply saddening because i never got the opportunity with Julius. bittersweet is what it is.

on top of this, i've heard of 2 or 3 other families in the last 2 months who have recently lost their little ones to SIDS and are just beginning their grief journey. my heart hurts for them. for us. this is an awful reality. losing a child is just so unnatural, and i hate that anyone has to feel this kind of pain. every time i hear of a new loss, i flashback to *that* day, those suffocating emotions of just being shattered and broken, lost and alone. how will they manage to make it through? how will they go on? how did i?

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

mom of multiples

of course when i decide to almost give up on this blog, i find some inspiration on new topics to blog about. go fig!

i've been thinking about this a lot since L's arrival. typically in the midst of some incredibly hectic, chaotic moment in which i'm desperately trying to juggle the needs of both of my living children. like when baby girl is being a diva, and L needs to be fed. and after i get both kids settled, i take a breath, stare at them, and thank the universe for allowing me to have such a moment.

it sounds crazy, but it's in those moments that i feel the most peaceful. after baby girl's arrival, i was just so happy to be actively parenting again. but, again, i felt a bit like a fraud. at that point, i was a mom of multiple, but if you didn't know our story, you wouldn't know. and when we were out in public, strangers always just assumed that she was our first.

now, while we still get those hurtful comments from strangers (which will never end, i'm convinced) about how now i have 1 girl and 1 boy (ugh!), they now SEE me as the mom of multiple children. i've found that i get more of an opportunity to talk about Julius though. sometimes people will ask if i have any other children, so i get to talk about all 3 of my kids. it's nice and hard but comforting.

i think back to the time when my grief was just so fresh it was suffocating, and i NEVER would picture that in a few years i would have 1 rainbow, let alone 2. i didn't even think i would survive losing my firstborn. many days i prayed not to. but now i'm the mom of 3 beautiful amazing kids. and i'm so thankful i have my 2 rainbows to help me through the dark days without my son.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

four.


in a week and a half i will have a 4 year old. my firstborn son will be turning four, and yet i have no experience dealing with planning a celebration for a 3-almost-4 year old. i can't ask him what kind of cake he prefers. i can't pick out a theme for his party based on his interests. i can't send out invitations to his friends. so i find myself doing what i have done for every.single.birthday he has had - living in denial for a while before stressing and worrying endlessly that the things i have planned for his day will never do my love for him justice. how i wish every day that things were different.

our family has changed yet again. we have welcomed a 2nd rainbow - our 2nd son (L) - into the world. he is just months old, and such a wonderful combination of his older siblings. baby girl is absolutely head over heels in love with him. to witness her affection for him is so bittersweet. though she took no interest in my pregnancy with him, she became attached to him immediately upon seeing him. very much like the love a mother has for their child. she kisses him about a million times a day (if not more).

it's been very emotional and i really try to take things moment by moment now. i have had some instances of deja vu with L that make me catch my breath. we've got some major milestones coming up in the next few months, and i'm trying hard not to lose my sanity just getting through them. i know i had a hard time with baby girl, but with L being the same gender as Julius, it kicks that PTSD into high gear. So if you have a minute to spare, please say a prayer for us and my sanity.

i'm not really sure what i will do with this space. i think it's time to give up thinking that i will regularly update it. we've had so much going on in our lives over the last year, and i don't see that slowing dow any in the near future (at least i pray it doesn't). i think i may just leave it public for now and update on Julius' special days. but if i do blog, i will most likely pick it up over at the blog i started for baby girl, which i will keep private (for access and the link email me).

Thursday, January 16, 2014

sweet opportunity

over the last year or so i've been contacted several times by people who want me to help promote their websites or review their products. usually, i delete those emails because i can tell that the people who sent them have no clue about my story or my son {especially when i see what they are asking me to review}. my blog started off being about my pregnancy with Julius, and then morphed into being about my life with him, and is now about my grieving his loss. to talk about anything other than that just doesn't feel "right" to me.

last week, i got another email with a similar request. but this one had an entirely different feel. a woman contacted me from the company Everlasting Memories, she started off by explaining how she had found my blog, and who she was. she had read about my son, and even shared a story of loss with me. she cared. and she offered to send me an item of my choice from their website and asked if i would be willing to give her some honest feedback on it.

i'm always looking for new ways to memorialize my boy. but it seemed too good to be true. honestly, when i wrote back, i was fully expecting to never hear back from the woman. but i did. and quickly. she sent yet another sweet, caring message. so i decided to take some time and pick out something. they really have so many pieces to choose from {cremation jewelry, urns, photo keepsake jewelry, etc.}. but in the end, i took the suggestion of the woman, and went with a photo keepsake necklace.

i sent her the picture last friday, and i got it the actual necklace this past tuesday {though i didn't get to see it until wednesday - my birthday - because D didn't bring in the mail the day before}. i really love it. the pics don't really do it justice. on the back of the necklace i had "Julius Luciano/I carry your heart in my heart" engraved. i really do need to take better pics of the necklace itself. and i really wish you could see the quality of it. the dog tag itself is pretty large. larger than i expected it to be really. you would think it would be really heavy, but it's not. and the picture is so clear. his amazing smile really does come through on it. which is one reason i was so drawn to a photo necklace. now i have a way to show him off, even if it's not in the traditional sense.

i know not everyone likes keepsake jewelry. but if you are looking for something, i would highly recommend taking a look at what Everlasting Memories has to offer. and i am so deeply appreciative to them for giving me a way to carry my boy around {in a more physical sense} with me.

forgive the low quality instagram pic

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

it's official

i suck at blogging. in a way, it's a welcomed change. blogging was my way to occupy my time. to get out my thoughts. to help fill my empty arms.

life has changed so drastically. our rainbow is a couple of months away from turning 2. THAT blows my mind. often i look back at pictures of her when she was so itty bitty brand new. i can't believe the spirited child that she's turned into. she's amazing. she gets more opinionated every day. and she's so compassionate and affectionate. i'm beyond thankful for her, her presence in our lives, and the exhaustion i feel at the end of the day trying to keep up with her.

but it leaves me with less time to do some of the things i did regularly before she was born - like blog. and i feel guilty about it. i suppose there is a similar internal struggle with parents of multiple living children. how do you divy up your time between all of your children so that no one feels forgotten about? but one of my children isn't able to voice his feelings to me, and so i'm left to over-analyze everything, and feel even guiltier. i've been thinking more and more about going private on the blog. there are just so many reasons why i'd like to, and why i don't want to...

not to mention the holidays are like tomorrow! and i feel torn about how to proceed this year. we have put up a tree. and believe it or not, this is the first time we have EVER put up a tree as a family. even before Juju was born. we were always traveling on c'mas, so we never bother. after J passed away, we had no reason to. last year our rainbow was too young so we didn't bother. but this weekend, we got out the sealed box that held the fake tree i bought like 5 years ago, and put it up. it's not decorated, but it's up.

i already have most of our c'mas shopping done as well. haven't sent out cards, and don't plan to. and beyond that, i'm just not sure what else i'm going to do. last year we went to see 'les mis' in theaters on c'mas day. maybe we'll go watch another movie this year as a family. holidays just don't feel right anymore.

Friday, October 11, 2013

3 years

Dear Julius,

Tomorrow will mark your 3rd angelversary. I don't understand how its has been three years. It blows my mind. You are missed and loved just as much (if not more) now than you were then. The pain of losing you is just as intense. And you have never for one second been forgotten.

Tomorrow we will spend the day doing something as a family. Hopefully we will feel up to doing something a little fun in your honor - something that we wish we had been able to experience while you were alive. And since your legacy is about love, we will make sure that whatever we end up doing tomorrow we will do with love in our hearts.

The last few days have been really difficult for me, the days leading up to the 12th always are. Just remembering what we were doing 3 years ago and how drastically different our lives are is hard. I wish more than anything that you were here with us. We all miss you so very very much.

Please be close to me tomorrow. I will definitely need you help to get through this difficult day.

Loving you always and forever,
Mommy

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Right Where I Am 2013: 2 Years, 8 Months, and 6 Days

seriously, WTF??

that reaction pretty much sums it all up. it sums up what i thought as i scrolled through my blog list to see all of the other RWIA posts that have already been done. it sums up my feelings to the amount of time that has passed since the last time i saw my beautiful boy. it sums up feelings about the fact that i am still living this nightmare of being a bereaved mother.

how could it be? how could i have given birth to a child that isn't here anymore. some days it all feels like a dream. but i look around and see the pictures of him everywhere, and know that it's not.

last year i wrote the post a day before his 2nd birthday. our rainbow had just made it to the 4.5 month milestone in which we lost Julius, thus officially outliving him; anxiety was at an all time high, and my heart was so very heavy with worry and grief.

since then...we just celebrated his 3rd birthday {which was a difficult one for me. and i've figured that they are all pretty much going to be difficult ones because there is no way that i can adequately plan a day worthy enough for him}. his sister just turned 17 months and brings more joy/love into our lives than we ever thought we would be able to experience again.

but as she continues to grow and develop, so does her "interactions" and understanding of her brother, which brings another dimension to my grief. see all this time i have been grieving MY broken heart, and MY missing him. but more and more i feel as though i am grieving for me and rainbow. as i mentioned in a previous post, she kisses her urn with me now. and she has recently started grabbing his picture off of the entertainment center, kissing it, and saying "baby".

oh, how my heart breaks even more to see how tenderly she treats him. it aches to think of how she would act with him in person. she is such an affectionate girl. she loves love/affection, she gives kisses and hugs so generously {maybe a little to generously} to all the little kids/babies she meets. and i wonder would she be as affectionate with her older brother. it makes me angrier to know that she will never get the chance. she deserves to experience all the fun of having an older brother. he deserved to get the chance to be an older brother. but, unfortunately, it didn't happen.

my grief is still a part of me. while i am finding it easier to "live" again, instead of just merely "surviving," i can still feel the ache in my heart. i still avoid conversations about kids/families with strangers. i still avoid some parts of town that remind me too much of *that* day. i still have days in which i have to close my office door because i need to cry. i do have a lot to cry about, but my children give me so much more to smile about. and these days it's easier to smile for both of them...