Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Right Where I Am: 7 Months, 3 Weeks, 6 Days

I’ve wanted to participate in Right Where I am Project intended to chronicle where I am in my grief. But with the fog that I was in during may, I didn’t think I would be able too. The last couple of days, though, I’ve been feeling more of a “calling” to just build up the strength and do it. And so I will...

It’s been 7 months, 3 weeks and 6 days (it will be 8 months on Sunday) since I lost my son. Almost 8 months since SIDS/death ripped him away from me and from my husband, and left us a forever incomplete family. How do I feel today? Angry, broken (scratch that – shattered), sadder than I have ever been in my life. His absence left a crater in our lives, a void that will never be filled. From the time I wake up every morning, I am reminded every second of the day that he is no longer with us.

What has changed? Well, I am better able to assimilate with “the others” (those that have never experienced a loss so profound). I have moments where I feel like I can hide the big “BLM” that is engraved on my forehead. And I feel like, for the most part, I have re-learned how to function as this new person, this sadder person. I can go shopping for groceries with no problems (most of the time). I can go out to eat with friends. I can make superficial conversation with the cashier at the store. I can comment on a silly post on FB. I’m even starting to form opinions on things that have absolutely nothing to do with my little family or Julius. Some of the energy that was previously taken up by deeply grieving my son is being “freed” up. Or maybe I’m just learning how to be more efficient with it – learning how to multi-task, I guess.

The other thing that has changed, which is probably the most drastic change in these 8 months, is that my heart and soul are crossing the bridge of complete and utter resentment to the land of thankfulness. Now this doesn't mean that I’m not still angered that my son is gone, that I've accepted this new reality. It doesn't mean that I’m done missing him with every fiber of my being, that I’m over the fact that I will never get to brush his curly hair, or change him, or kiss those chubby cheeks of his. Or that I wouldn’t still give my very life to bring him back.

It just means that my heart is spending more time being so very thankful for the fact that I got to know him and spend time with him at all. I’m so thankful for those 40 weeks I got to carry him and see him grow from the outside. I’m so thankful for those 4.5 months I got to watch him grow into a little person with a big personality. I’m thankful for the privilege of calling Julius my son, of loving him with all the love I never knew I had. I’m thankful for getting to see him smile, for getting to hear his laugh. I’m thankful for him. And if someone asked me right now if I would do it all over again knowing that our time would be cut so very short. I would say without any doubt or hesitation “YES.”

And that's where I am, right now...

15 comments:

ASHLEY ELDER said...

Thanks for sharing your experience with us, I can really see how much he was loved by you!

brigette said...

You are so strong and say the words do great!! Beautiful post mama!

B. Wilson said...

I have those same feelings. I am so thankful for my son, despite how short his life was. While I hate the new "me", I would also hate the thought of him never existing.

Kristin said...

You are such an amazing, beautiful writer Tiffany. I am so blessed to know you and that ridiculously adorable son of yours.

still life angie said...

I am just so sorry. Julius is a beautiful boy. I remember reading his story on Faces of Loss. Thank you for sharing right where you are. xo

Caroline said...

that post, like you, is beautiful.

Angie said...

Beautifully said. I'm so glad you participated in Right Where I Am, thank you so much for sharing Juju with us. Love you sweet friend xo

Susan said...

I am thankful for Catherine's life, but over all, I think I am mightily pissed off - for her, for me, for all the people who I love who love Catherine and are now in terrible pain. I am furious at the injustice of it all.

I'm not sure if we feel pretty much the same - or whether you're in a better place at the moment. It's a bit hard to tell off a blog.. maybe I am having a bad day... All either of us can do is just go on. X x x

Hope's Mama said...

SIDS - such a huge fear of all new mums out there. I'm so sorry that this became your reality. Julius is beautiful and I'm just so desperately sorry he's not in your arms where he belongs.
Glad to have found you through Angie's project. All my love to you in these very early days of your grief.
xo

Monica said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us! My heart hurts for you.

Emmy said...

Tiffany, this:
"And if someone asked me right now if I would do it all over again knowing that our time would be cut so very short. I would say without any doubt or hesitation “YES."

is one of the most intensely powerful things I've ever read.

Wishing you peace, as always.

Brooke said...

Sending you much love. It is so uplifting to hear that your gratitude is still powerful, even against the debilitating force of grief.

erica said...

Thanks so much for sharing this post. I am blown away by how bright and amazing Julius' smile is, and my heart aches for you, missing him. What you write about the move from resentment to thankfulness is so beautiful and important. Love to you.

Holly said...

Oh my heart breaks. :( I always smile when I see Julius' picture on your blog. He's so handsome. :)

Fireflyforever said...

I remember reading about your gorgeous boy over on Faces of Loss - he's utterly, utterly adorable.

"I have moments where I feel like I can hide the big “BLM” that is engraved on my forehead." I remember describing it almost the exact same way. And, I remember that managing to hide that fact seemed such a mark of progress.

And I feel the same about Emma - who I never got to know - I would still go through it again, knowing that I couldn't have her, just to see her one more time. They are loved so much, aren't they?

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