my heart is about to burst!!!

ok, i know i'm reaching my post quota for the day, but i'm just too excited not to share what *just* hit my inbox...

the backstory:

last week there was giveaway posted on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope facebook page for a customized hand-painted ornament from jess at Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art {coincidentally, the same jess that made my "Juju dove" that i posted about earlier - but i didn't find that out until later}. to enter you had to leave a comment saying how you were planning to honor your little one during the holiday season this year. well i posted a comment not really thinking anything because 1) we don't plan to celebrate Christmas this year, and 2) i don't typically win contests. then i completely forgot about the contest because as i mentioned before, i don't win contests. i even went to the website to take a look at the ornaments because i was seriously considering purchasing one but it got too overwhelming to look at, so i closed it and shelved the idea. on saturday a friend posted on my facebook page asking if i realized that *I* won the contest. it took a second to remember what contest she was talking about, but then i rushed right over to the FoL FB page to see if it was true. and it was!!!! i won!!!! i actually have no doubt that Juju had a hand in this. he must have. ♥

jess contacted me and let me know that i could pick any of the ornaments on her page to have customized. and as soon as i saw the heart-shaped ornament i knew i had to have it. i was meant to have that one. see, we had our baby cremated and his remains placed in a heart-shaped urn which now sits on our dresser in our bedroom.

so the only ornament that i could get to truly represent my baby was this heart-shaped one. i sent her his info and a pic of the urn. and today, she sent me a pic of the finished ornament.

Photo Credit

as soon as i saw the pic i burst into tears. to say that i love this ornament is such an understatement. i don't even have words to describe my feelings about the ornament other than to say that every time i look at the pic my heart feels like it is going to burst. i'm flooded with so many emotions right now, and can not wait to receive it. my heart is truly appreciative and "happy" at this moment. thank you again, jess, you will never know how thankful i am for you.

and even more healing...

i *just* had a small burst of energy and called my church and scheduled a mass to be said on both may 31, 2011 {the day after his birthday since the 30th was already being dedicated to someone}, and october 12, 2011 {his angel day} for Julius. to my pleasant surprise, they already had his angel day down on the calendar and were planning to say a mass anyway for him - they have been so very supportive through this whole thing. ♥

i'm so glad that i now have a way to remember him this upcoming year on these two important days. ♥♥

a little more healing...

after my post last week about what mary over at Micah's Gift did for us, a couple of things happened. the first thing that happened was that one of my friends on facebook left me a comment after reading that post that really made me think. this friend reaches out to me often to let me know that she is thinking of me, which i appreciate so much. and she has this way with words that leaves me feeling so comforted. she said,

"Though it is tragic that so many mothers are in this sisterhood, I am delighted to know there is so much sharing, creative life and beauty in what you all are doing for one another and the world."

even though i don't think i've really contributed to the sharing or creative life that she speaks of, i've been fortunate enough to come across so many women that do so much to help their fellow BLMs. they hone their creative gifts for the good of others. they help those mommas who are in desperate need to hold on to the memories of their babies. they aid in our healing, and quite possibly their own. and there is so much beauty in that. even a small gesture, can have a tremendous impact.

which brings me to the second thing that happened, jessica from Heaven's Doves contacted me to let me know about her blog, and that she would gladly create a dove for Julius if i wanted to request one. again i jumped at the chance. how could i not want my own "Juju dove"? she created his dove and sent me this pic.

thank you so much, jessica, for what you do to help BLMs, and for what you have done for me. you are a part of *my* healing, and hopefully slowly but surely this hole in my heart will start to mend.

and today is one of those days...

...that i can't seem to gather the strength to remind myself that there is still love and light in the world. just when i think i have a moment of clarity, it is gone like *that*. and so goes the cycle of grief. 1 step forward, 2 steps back...

all i want is my baby! :'(

Life isn't fair. Or is it?

D and i have been talking a lot about our future lately. things like: where do we go from here? how many {more} children do we want? how many years apart do we want to space them? how will we parent our subsequent children in light of what has happened? it is the last question that caused us to stop and have an even more serious discussion...

when he asked me if i thought i would treat/parent our next child differently. i said "yes" almost immediately. i think he was a bit taken aback by my response. see, i actually have no regrets about how i parented Julius. when we were together, i was dedicated to being his mom. i gave him all of me. i loved on him every second i could. i never got frustrated with him. i may have been tired, and stressed at times but i understood that he was a baby and that all he ever wanted was for me to meet his basic needs. and without hesitation i tried to do just that. but there are certain aspects of how we parented that will have to be changed/adjusted because of what has happened. there's just no way to go through a loss as profound as this, and not change *something* - your way of thinking, what you plan to do in the future, etc. you are forever changed.

and then he, very sincerely, asked me if i thought it was "fair" to our next child that he/she be parented differently. and then *I* was taken aback...

is it fair?? that question infuriates me these days. that is a question that i have asked out loud every.single.day since october 12th. was it fair to me that my 4.5 month old perfectly healthy baby boy be taken from me?? a mother that devoted herself entirely to him. a mother that would have given {and still wants to give} her life to keep him safe {or now bring him back}. a mother that planned, and prayed for this little boy. a mother that loves him wholly and completely. is it fair to me that i have lost my innocence? that i now have to live with the harsh reality that bad things can and do happen to us?

is it fair that there are women all over the world, good loving women, that have to endure the horrible fate of losing their babies?? the ones that they have planned for, and that they have prayed for.

is it fair that there are people out there that choose to abuse and neglect their children who do not have to suffer this terrible loss?? that they can just take their children for granted with no consequence.

please don't get me wrong, i am not trying to say that i think *anyone* should have to suffer the loss of a child. but it is very hard for me to watch the news these days and see stories of child abuse and neglect and not be filled with rage. it just makes me scream out "it's not fair. Lord, this is SO not fair"!

then i think about that phrase "life isn't fair," and i try to be apathetic about the whole thing. i start thinking that i should just give up hope because no matter what i do, i'm going to lose in the end. i start thinking that there is no one watching out for me, so what's the use in trying. i start thinking that all there is is suffering - all i'm going to endure is suffering for the rest of my life. why even get out of bed?

and then i start to sink deeper into that hole of sadness...

i struggle with this thought process constantly. some days i have the strength to remind myself that while, yes, losing Juju was NOT fair at all. i was given a beautiful son, who was absolutely perfect in all of his imperfections {even though like a typical mom i wouldn't be able to list any of those imperfections}. even though it's not fair. i do have a wonderful hubby that has shown through this whole ordeal how devoted he is to me and his family. even though it's not at all fair. i have some wonderfully compassionate people in my life {new and old} that have come to my side so that i do not have to walk this road alone. even though it's not fair. i do still have the chance to add to our family and bring the joy and happiness that Julius brought back into our lives. even though it's not fair at all. i am still here and do have more to offer this world.

yes, life has moments of being so very unfair. but it also has moments of being overwhelming fair, and happy, and full of love and light. it's not easy for me to see that love and light through this patch of unfair darkness. but i have to attempt to remind myself that it is indeed there. when i'm on the ground being kicked in the gut by life. i have to attempt to pick myself up. i have to attempt to move myself forward. not for me, but for Juju and D...

Acts of kindness...

again i'm amazed that whenever i feel like i'm about to slip into a hole of sadness, someone swoops down to rescue me {or at least pulls me a little closer to the light}. today i want to thank 2 wonderful ladies that i had the privilege to "meet" while on my journey through grief {and whom are also on their own respective journeys through grief}.

the first person i want to thank is mary over at Micah's Gift. after she lost her precious Micah, she wrote Micah's name on a blade of wild grass so that she could essentially watch Micah grow. she now offers to write the names of fellow BLMs' angel babies in the grass, so that not only will Micah have friends, but they can all "grow" and "play" together in this patch of wild grass that is never cut. and you know me, once i came across her blog, and saw that i could have this done for Juju, I jumped at the chance. as i mentioned in my last post, i am desperate to hold onto my baby in any way, shape or form, so i'm always excited about a new opportunity to do just that. i sent mary my request, and within hours, she had written Julius' name, and sent me the pic of my "Juju grass". my heart was just overcome with love. it brings me comfort to think of Julius "playing" with Micah and friends - waiting for me. :') thank you so much, mary, for filling in some of the emptiness of my heart with love.


the next lovely lady that i would like to thank is ms. angie over at Expectations Revised. she was kind enough to give me this blog award. it still makes me blush to think that there are people out there that read {and actually *like* my blog}. so i thank you angie from the bottom of my heart for this award. i feel honored that you take time out of your day/life to read my blog, and walk with me on my journey.

The rules of this award are:

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

to pass this award on to *just* 5 women/blogs would be an injustice. i have had the pleasure of discovering so many blogs that have been so inspirational to me. honestly, if i had not found these women i would have felt much more alone during this time. it has been so eye-opening to see how many women are affected by baby loss. it's just so unfair. so even though it means that i may have to take several hrs to complete #3. i'm going to recognize a lot of my fellow BLMs who's blogs i follow {and i apologize profusely to anyone i have accidentally excluded on this list}:

Lindsay at Keeping up with the Joneses
Denise at This Momma's Journey
Lindsay at The Chipmans
Rebecca at The Road Less Traveled
Megan at A Story Unfolding...
Rhiannon at For the Love of Harper
Rachel at Curls O Fred
Kam at Our New Normal
Kimberly at God Keeps His Promises
MrsH at A Second Line
Kalialani at The Butterfly Room
Organized Chaos at Abigail's Legacy of Hope
Tiffany at In the Beginning There Was Genesis
Jen at Attempting to Love Life without Her...
Trena at Free to Fly
Kristin at Dear Stevie
Littleharves at Harveys World - Remember to Breathe
Lis at Built-in Birth Control
Stephanie at Carried Through Grief
Karol at Loving Laynee
Patty at Journey of Loss, Hope and Faith
Franchesca at My Heart Song

**and to those i have recognized, please know that i do not mind one bit if you do not feel like "playing along". we are all in the midst of grief, and taking the time to post about a blog award sometimes is just NOT doable {we need to conserve all the energy we can while mourning}. i just wanted to take the time to thank you all for giving me some inspiration/motivation. i appreciate every last one of you more than you will know.**

Strength

over the course of the last month and a half, i have received compliments from many people regarding my strength. things like "your strength is amazing" or "you are such a strong person". usually when i hear something like that, my first instinct is to chuckle or roll my eyes {and i hope i have not offended anyone that i have done this to in person}. it's just that these days the word "strong" is not one that i would use when referring to myself. ever.

i am not strong at all. strength is something i wish i possessed. what i am is desperate. desperate to hold my baby one last time. desperate to wake up every 2 hours to feed someone. desperate to have to leave work at lunch every day to feed a baby that is too adorably stubborn to take a bottle. desperate to do diaper laundry and the tedious task of stuffing said diapers. desperate to deal with a fussy baby who is on the cusp of the dreading teething process. desperate to hold on...

what i am is weak. too weak to get out of bed in the morning without first writing a letter to my baby. too weak to brave the stores and shopping during this holiday season. too weak to do much else besides go to work. and i'm too broken to open his drawers, and look at his clothes. too broken to take the car seat out of my car. too broken to even drive by babies r us.

how can anyone even remotely classify me as strong? i know that looks can be deceiving some times, and the fact that i do get out of bed and get to work most days says something. but what that something is is not that i am strong. or that i have found the will to continue to live my life. it means that i'm going through the motions. that i'm existing. that i'm actually sick of sitting in my bed and staring at all of his things. that i'm trying to keep my mind busy in order to delay the next inevitable breakdown.

my hope these days is that one day, while going through the motions, i will start to find new purpose and meaning. my hope is that this cloud of darkness that is suffocating me will start to lift. my hope is that all of the thoughts and prayers that have been said for us will reach God's ears and he will have mercy on us. my hope is that one day, i may actually believe that i am a strong individual. but for now, i will just hope...