Life isn't fair. Or is it?

D and i have been talking a lot about our future lately. things like: where do we go from here? how many {more} children do we want? how many years apart do we want to space them? how will we parent our subsequent children in light of what has happened? it is the last question that caused us to stop and have an even more serious discussion...

when he asked me if i thought i would treat/parent our next child differently. i said "yes" almost immediately. i think he was a bit taken aback by my response. see, i actually have no regrets about how i parented Julius. when we were together, i was dedicated to being his mom. i gave him all of me. i loved on him every second i could. i never got frustrated with him. i may have been tired, and stressed at times but i understood that he was a baby and that all he ever wanted was for me to meet his basic needs. and without hesitation i tried to do just that. but there are certain aspects of how we parented that will have to be changed/adjusted because of what has happened. there's just no way to go through a loss as profound as this, and not change *something* - your way of thinking, what you plan to do in the future, etc. you are forever changed.

and then he, very sincerely, asked me if i thought it was "fair" to our next child that he/she be parented differently. and then *I* was taken aback...

is it fair?? that question infuriates me these days. that is a question that i have asked out loud every.single.day since october 12th. was it fair to me that my 4.5 month old perfectly healthy baby boy be taken from me?? a mother that devoted herself entirely to him. a mother that would have given {and still wants to give} her life to keep him safe {or now bring him back}. a mother that planned, and prayed for this little boy. a mother that loves him wholly and completely. is it fair to me that i have lost my innocence? that i now have to live with the harsh reality that bad things can and do happen to us?

is it fair that there are women all over the world, good loving women, that have to endure the horrible fate of losing their babies?? the ones that they have planned for, and that they have prayed for.

is it fair that there are people out there that choose to abuse and neglect their children who do not have to suffer this terrible loss?? that they can just take their children for granted with no consequence.

please don't get me wrong, i am not trying to say that i think *anyone* should have to suffer the loss of a child. but it is very hard for me to watch the news these days and see stories of child abuse and neglect and not be filled with rage. it just makes me scream out "it's not fair. Lord, this is SO not fair"!

then i think about that phrase "life isn't fair," and i try to be apathetic about the whole thing. i start thinking that i should just give up hope because no matter what i do, i'm going to lose in the end. i start thinking that there is no one watching out for me, so what's the use in trying. i start thinking that all there is is suffering - all i'm going to endure is suffering for the rest of my life. why even get out of bed?

and then i start to sink deeper into that hole of sadness...

i struggle with this thought process constantly. some days i have the strength to remind myself that while, yes, losing Juju was NOT fair at all. i was given a beautiful son, who was absolutely perfect in all of his imperfections {even though like a typical mom i wouldn't be able to list any of those imperfections}. even though it's not fair. i do have a wonderful hubby that has shown through this whole ordeal how devoted he is to me and his family. even though it's not at all fair. i have some wonderfully compassionate people in my life {new and old} that have come to my side so that i do not have to walk this road alone. even though it's not fair. i do still have the chance to add to our family and bring the joy and happiness that Julius brought back into our lives. even though it's not fair at all. i am still here and do have more to offer this world.

yes, life has moments of being so very unfair. but it also has moments of being overwhelming fair, and happy, and full of love and light. it's not easy for me to see that love and light through this patch of unfair darkness. but i have to attempt to remind myself that it is indeed there. when i'm on the ground being kicked in the gut by life. i have to attempt to pick myself up. i have to attempt to move myself forward. not for me, but for Juju and D...