Someone please remind me...

...never to subscribe to another magazine again. Last night's breakdown was sponsored by Parenting magazine. I don't even know why I subscribed to it in the first place. I never read them, but now they are a constant reminder and a constant stab to my heart. It went promptly in the trash. :(

Our Journey...

i spend a lot of time these days talking about my feelings, my hurt, my pain. i spend a lot of time talking about my son, what he means to me, how he's changed my life. on ocassion when i am having a "good" day, i'll talk about how blessed i am to have the family and friends that i have. but i realized last night that i don't spend nearly enough time talking about someone else who is extremely important to me {maybe because i am selfishly grieving right now, but anyway...}. this person has been by my side for so long that it's hard to remember what my life was like without him. he is my soulmate, my rock, my protector, my better {er, "other"} half. in Sept 2009, when we found out that i was pregnant with Juju, he became the father of my child. and now i pray every day, that i will be able to call him the father of my children. my husband - D.

we met while we were in highschool back in '98. we went to different highschools but were on the swim teams at our respective schools, and our swim teams practiced at the same pool. we quickly became friends, and about a year later started dating. aside from a small 2 month stint apart, we have been together ever since, and i couldn't imagine what my life would be like without him {nor do i want to}. we've been through so much. we've been dragged through hell together {and are currently working our way out}. but this entire time i have never questioned his love for me, and his devotion to me or to his son, Julius.

what saddens and angers me the most is that Juju won't be able to witness firsthand how amazing his father is. he won't get to grow up and be just like him {because i am SO sure that he had his personality}. D won't get to take him to swim practice, or to taekwondo. D won't get to have the "birds and bees" talk with him {because i DEFINITELY wasn't going to do that part}. and i just hope and pray that Julius was able to see in his four and a half months how much we loved {love} him. and how proud of him his father was {is}. we are both grieving in our own way and in our own time. and though our grief paths might be a bit different - everyone grieves differently, right? - the pain and the love is still intensely the same.

here are a few of the pics we have taken over the past several years. and hopefully you can better understand the reason why, even when i feel like staying in bed and giving up hope, i get up and put one foot in front of the other...

D, i love you so very much, and i'm so sorry that this had to happen to your son. :'( ♥

at our wedding 06.26.04

buying our 1st house april 2008

maternity shots april 2010

Juju's newborn shots at 1 wk

Juju's 4 mo photo shoot on oct 9, 2010

our family of 3 on oct 9, 2010

Death

before Julius passed away i considered myself a relatively happy person. i tended to focus on the positive in life. i was always smiling and laughing, and trying my best to get others to laugh. i hated to read about sad stories, or talk about things like death. i especially did not want to talk about the mortality of anyone close to me, even though i had to experience the death of 3 of my grandparents with whom i was close. i can even remember sticking my fingers in my ears, and screaming "la la la la" a few years ago when my parents tried to have a grown-up conversation with me and tell me about their "plans" when they pass away. the topic of death conjured up images of the grim reaper. it was scary, and sad - something that happened to older/sick people, and to other people.

and then Julius passed away...

i'm an entirely different person now. while i do still like to try and focus on the positive and laugh {though it is so difficult to do these days}, i am no longer afraid of death. in fact, i already feel like a part of me is dead, which is probably why i keep referring to myself before Julius' death in the past tense. now this is not to say that i wish to cause myself harm in any way. i do not. but i am at peace thinking that one day i will pass away. one day i will be reunited with my son. one day i will get to hold him again, and i will get to hear the laugh i've been so desperately longing to hear again. one day i will no longer have to keep track of time in "days/weeks/months/years since Julius was with me". and it brings me much comfort. Elizabeth Edwards once said,

"The consolation of losing a child is that you have less fear of death for yourself"

she hit the nail on the head. death is no longer scary. actually, now life has become scary. i am now acutely aware of the fact that one day everyone i love will no longer be here. one day i will feel more pain on top of the pain i'm already in. death doesn't just happen to older/sick people, and to other people. it has touched my life. and it can happen again. there are no guarantees in life. there is no "get out of jail free" pass that i can get because i've already experienced a deeply profound loss. that is what is scary. and all i can hope is that i am gone long before anyone else i love passes away.

the way i see it now, life is merely a "holding cell" while we await the start of our eternal life. a life where there is no more sadness, no more pain and suffering. a life where there is nothing but happiness, and it rains lemon drops and gum drops {ok, slight exaggeration, but you get the point}. but in the meantime, we have to experience the suffering and heartache {yes, we also get to experience joy and happiness, but these emotions haven't really been around much in the last 2 months}. this whole ordeal has made me question so many aspects of my life that i previously thought were important. it has made me re-prioritize certain things.

i am now determined to maximize the amount of happiness in my life, and cut out anything and anyone that brings me any kind of stress, drama, or sadness. if i'm going to make it through the rest of my life {however much longer i am sentenced to be on this earth without Juju}, i have to surround myself with people that i love and that love me. i have to do things that are meaningful and that bring me joy. nothing else matter - not money, not material things - nothing. we can't take any of that with us. the only thing we can take with us is the love in our hearts, and the experiences we had with the people that mattered the most. so that is what i plan to focus on from now until i get to be with my son again. and i am praying that this new focus makes life without Juju a little more bearable.

The Candle Lighting

this entire weekend was rather difficult for me, and i'm not sure why. there was nothing in particular that triggered any of the breakdowns that i had. yet i found myself crippled with sadness and grief on several occasions.

sunday was his two month angel-versary and the candle lighting. the candle light program that our local chapter TCF put on was absolutely wonderful. during the hour of the worldwide candle light, we not only lit candles to remember our children, but also watched a picture slideshow, and listened to music and readings. it was such a memorable night - emotional, but memorable. i'm so glad that i was able to take part in that. it brought me some comfort on a milestone day.

like i mentioned in one of my last post, i wanted to do something special to remember the little ones that are now in Heaven. i asked here on my blog, and on a couple of message boards that i frequent for everyone to post the names of their babies. i was so happy to get so much participation. i know some people were probably busy, and didn't get a chance to post, so i tried to the best of my ability to look up as many names as i could. i ended up with 5 sheets full of names {i added several more after i took these pics}. but of course, i sent up a prayer for little ones everywhere who have left this world, and their parents too soon.

  

here are some pics i took at the candle light.

one of the tables set up to hold the candles, pic, momentos of our children

the 3 screens set up to play the picture slideshow

Juju's station

   

D and i after we lit Juju's candle

it's just so unnatural and wrong that any of us had to be in that room last night remembering our children, but i'm glad that we were able to do that. i'm glad that we were able to remember not that our children died, but that they lived. what a great gift they are in our lives, and for that they should always be remembered. ♥

2 months of pure hell...

My dearest Juju,

I've been without you for 2 whole months. I've gone 2 months without kissing your chubby cheeks, without hugging you, without feeding you. But I haven't gone a second of these 2 months without thinking about you, and loving you. To say "I miss you" is an understatement. I long to see you, and to hold you in my arms again. It's weird that my empty arms actually feel heavier without you in them. I long to hear you laugh. I long to bathe you. I am just so lonely and so lost without you. I want to be with you again. I want you to come back so we can be a happy family again. I don't understand why you had to leave - why my baby had to leave. I absolutely hate the fact that I have to continue on in this world without you. Nothing makes sense anymore without you. Yet I am forced to carry on.

Baby tonight we will be taking part in a candle lighting to remember you. Our family and friends will be joining us and lighting candles for you too. I hope that you are able to see the light from all of the candles where ever you are. I hope you know that there are so many people in addition to your Daddy and I that are constantly thinking about you, and that love you. I wish with every part of me that you were here to see just how many people love and care for you, Baby. You are a very loved little boy. And I know that you will never be forgotten.ever.

I love you, baby boy, and I miss you so very much,
Mommy

10.11.10

2 month angel-versary and candle lighting

sunday is Julius' 2 month angel-versary. i have managed to survive for 2 months without my precious baby boy. how do i feel 2 months out? lost, sad, broken, hopeless - pretty much the same emotions i have felt since the afternoon of october 12th. what has changed? i'm having more moments of being able to function and "fake it". but what/how much i can do definitely depends on the moment and my mood.

one of the support groups that i joined a few weeks after losing Julius was my local chapter of the national group The Compassionate Friends {TCF}. every year they organize, in conjunction with several other groups, a worldwide candle lighting in december during the holiday season in order to remember the children {of all ages} that have left this world, and their parents too soon. the official time of the candle lighting is from 7-8pm on december 12th. and the idea is that all around the world between the hours of 7-8pm on that day, a candle will be lit in honor and memory of your child.

D and i will be joining the members of our TCF at a local church to participate in the candle lighting, and have a night full of remembering each others' children. there will be a slideshow of pictures, readings, and music. there will also be a table set up to hold the candles, additonal photos, and sentimental objects that belonged to, or remind us of, our children. the leader of my local chapter was kind enough to send me a copy of Juju's slide that will be in the slideshow.

i know it's going to be very difficult and emotional for me to see his face and that big smile flash across the screen. but it's so nice that this candle lighting and the program that our local TCF set up falls on his 2 month angel-versary. and it's nice to know that not only will we be thinking about him on this day, but so will everyone else in the room.

so now i'd like to ask you all {friends, family, fellow BLMs, and anyone out there reading} for a favor...please light a candle between the hours of 7-8 pm sunday night {december 12} to remember, not only my baby boy Julius, but also all of those children that have left us/their parents WAY too soon. i would also like to remember your babies while we are at the candle lighting, so please leave me a comment with your little ones name(s), and i will make a list to take with me that night to set next to his candle. ♥♥ our children will be remembered now and forever!

a great gift

since Julius passed away, i've sheltered myself and withdrawn into my little bubble. i don't watch the news, and i rarely watch tv. i limit my time on facebook. i try only go to "safe" places {work, gym, home, rinse and repeat}. but that means that now i have absolutely NO idea what is going on in the world around me. i don't mind too much though. i actually like it this way. i can have hope this way. in my world i don't have to hear the frequent stories of despair. i don't have to hear about senseless acts of violence. i don't have to listen to people spout out hatred. i don't have to deal with ungrateful, insensitive people. no, this is the only way that i can continue on right now. so this is what i have to do for myself. however, on the flip side, that means that meaningful, worthwhile news takes a little longer to get to me. the price i pay for being sheltered, i suppose.

yesterday, a very special person passed away - Elizabeth Edwards. this woman had to deal with so much pain in her lifetime, and truly personified the words grace and beauty. i watched a video clip of an interview that was done on her, and listened to some of the things she said not only about the experience of losing her son, but also her thoughts on her own mortality, and God. i was blown away by her eloquence and maturity. she is truly an inspiration to me. i made a note of some of the things that she said that really spoke to my heart that i want to blog about more in detail later, but there was one thing she said that just *fit* my day today.

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift."

i truly have been blessed with friends that constantly remind me that they are there for me, and that they are thinking of me, and praying for me. for that i am truly thankful. but then there are those extra moving moments when a friend will go out of their way to let you know that they care. to let me know that, even though they have not experienced a loss like this, they know and remember that my child LIVED. my friend, rebeca {not the "rebecca" that writes "the road less traveled" blog - this one i've known since grade school. *gasp* that's a long time!} sent me an email this morning saying that she had had a dream in which she spelled out Julius' name under her tree using her daughter's blocks. so when she woke up, that's what she did. and then she sent me pics...

Juju's 2 month angel-versary is fast approaching. and not a day has gone by where someone has not mentioned his name to me, or told/showed me that they remember him in some way. and that, as Elizabeth Edwards said, is "a great gift."

thank you, rebeca, for the gift you have given me today. it's amazing to think about how far we have traveled in life together - from little girls on the playground of grade school, to women with families doing the whole "adult thing". such a journey! but my journey has been made better because of you. i ♥ you!