it's official

i suck at blogging. in a way, it's a welcomed change. blogging was my way to occupy my time. to get out my thoughts. to help fill my empty arms.

life has changed so drastically. our rainbow is a couple of months away from turning 2. THAT blows my mind. often i look back at pictures of her when she was so itty bitty brand new. i can't believe the spirited child that she's turned into. she's amazing. she gets more opinionated every day. and she's so compassionate and affectionate. i'm beyond thankful for her, her presence in our lives, and the exhaustion i feel at the end of the day trying to keep up with her.

but it leaves me with less time to do some of the things i did regularly before she was born - like blog. and i feel guilty about it. i suppose there is a similar internal struggle with parents of multiple living children. how do you divy up your time between all of your children so that no one feels forgotten about? but one of my children isn't able to voice his feelings to me, and so i'm left to over-analyze everything, and feel even guiltier. i've been thinking more and more about going private on the blog. there are just so many reasons why i'd like to, and why i don't want to...

not to mention the holidays are like tomorrow! and i feel torn about how to proceed this year. we have put up a tree. and believe it or not, this is the first time we have EVER put up a tree as a family. even before Juju was born. we were always traveling on c'mas, so we never bother. after J passed away, we had no reason to. last year our rainbow was too young so we didn't bother. but this weekend, we got out the sealed box that held the fake tree i bought like 5 years ago, and put it up. it's not decorated, but it's up.

i already have most of our c'mas shopping done as well. haven't sent out cards, and don't plan to. and beyond that, i'm just not sure what else i'm going to do. last year we went to see 'les mis' in theaters on c'mas day. maybe we'll go watch another movie this year as a family. holidays just don't feel right anymore.