Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Ticked Off...

so this guy walks into the elevator and says (i know this sounds like the start of a joke, but i assure you it's not), "you look so sad. you look like you just lost your best friend." my 1st thought was, "wow, is my face that readable." and then i thought,  "yes you a$$hat, i am sad, i am miserable, i did lose my best friend. who the fark says things like that???!!!!" but i ended up just saying, "o, um, well, it's tuesday..." it's tuesday?? seriously. i've never really been good at making up things on the spot. but i definitely never thought i would have to have a retort to a comment like that.

anyway, based on my little story, i'm sure you wouldn't be surprised if i told you that these days i've been just downright pissed off. after spending much of my session yesterday with my counselor sobbing, i wasn't at all shocked when she said that i was experiencing a low point in my grief. it's been pretty apparent. i think it started a few days before father's day. D just happened to make a comment about how he wished they would stop playing father's day commercials, and it really just broke my heart, and opened my eyes a little to how much he is actually hurting (even though he doesn't often open up and tell me).

father's day came, and we ignored it. he requested that, and though i really didn't want to because i wanted him to know how amazing of a dad i think he is, i respected his wishes. but i think toward the end of the day, it all caught up with me, and i spent the last half of father's day crying, and just being overall angry. angry that it was yet another holiday that we had to bury our heads in the sand to get through. angry that there are millions of people out there that have the luxury of being oblivious to this pain (not that i wish it on anyone). angry that i no longer have that luxury. angry that i will never be complete - never. angry that my amazing child didn't get the chance to experience so much. angry that i have to find comfort in things like frogs, butterflies, etc to feel close to him instead of physically being close to him. angry that i have to stare at pictures to admire his perfection instead of just looking at him. angry that i'm still here, when he deserves life more than i do.... as you can see, i'm just angry right now.

but there has been some beauty and light to this week. yesterday a dear friend of mine had her precious rainbow baby. he was a bit early, but is healthy and beautiful. rainbows make me smile...rainbows give me hope.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Winners are....

The winners of giveaway #6, chosen by, are Nikki {necklace} and Monica {book}! Congrats ladies! Please send me an email with your info so I can get your items out to you! Thank you so much to everyone who entered!!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Right Where I Am: 7 Months, 3 Weeks, 6 Days

I’ve wanted to participate in Right Where I am Project intended to chronicle where I am in my grief. But with the fog that I was in during may, I didn’t think I would be able too. The last couple of days, though, I’ve been feeling more of a “calling” to just build up the strength and do it. And so I will...

It’s been 7 months, 3 weeks and 6 days (it will be 8 months on Sunday) since I lost my son. Almost 8 months since SIDS/death ripped him away from me and from my husband, and left us a forever incomplete family. How do I feel today? Angry, broken (scratch that – shattered), sadder than I have ever been in my life. His absence left a crater in our lives, a void that will never be filled. From the time I wake up every morning, I am reminded every second of the day that he is no longer with us.

What has changed? Well, I am better able to assimilate with “the others” (those that have never experienced a loss so profound). I have moments where I feel like I can hide the big “BLM” that is engraved on my forehead. And I feel like, for the most part, I have re-learned how to function as this new person, this sadder person. I can go shopping for groceries with no problems (most of the time). I can go out to eat with friends. I can make superficial conversation with the cashier at the store. I can comment on a silly post on FB. I’m even starting to form opinions on things that have absolutely nothing to do with my little family or Julius. Some of the energy that was previously taken up by deeply grieving my son is being “freed” up. Or maybe I’m just learning how to be more efficient with it – learning how to multi-task, I guess.

The other thing that has changed, which is probably the most drastic change in these 8 months, is that my heart and soul are crossing the bridge of complete and utter resentment to the land of thankfulness. Now this doesn't mean that I’m not still angered that my son is gone, that I've accepted this new reality. It doesn't mean that I’m done missing him with every fiber of my being, that I’m over the fact that I will never get to brush his curly hair, or change him, or kiss those chubby cheeks of his. Or that I wouldn’t still give my very life to bring him back.

It just means that my heart is spending more time being so very thankful for the fact that I got to know him and spend time with him at all. I’m so thankful for those 40 weeks I got to carry him and see him grow from the outside. I’m so thankful for those 4.5 months I got to watch him grow into a little person with a big personality. I’m thankful for the privilege of calling Julius my son, of loving him with all the love I never knew I had. I’m thankful for getting to see him smile, for getting to hear his laugh. I’m thankful for him. And if someone asked me right now if I would do it all over again knowing that our time would be cut so very short. I would say without any doubt or hesitation “YES.”

And that's where I am, right now...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Doing Good In Juju's Name Giveaway #6

i almost completely forgot to post this. not because i forgot about our monthly giveaways, but because i've been so focused on getting through May (the month of Julius' birth) in one piece that i forgot about the month after. i can't believe it's over. in all honesty, it feels like it should be august right now. i feel like i've lived several months in that one. so many milestone days, so many emotions. it was so tough, but i'm still here.

and since i'm emotionally drained, this giveaway is just the thing i need. i really do need something to bring me a bit of joy and happiness. and i hope that these giveaways do the same for someone else. this month i'm going to give away 2 things - doubling the happiness, i guess. so here they are:

the giveaways:

this month's giveaways {for BLMs only} are for this adorable butterfly necklace, and for the book "i will carry you" by angie smith. we read the book for the FoLFoH May Book Club. it is an absolutely inspiring book, and so relevant to the lives of us BLMs. usually after i finish with a book, i put it in PBS and just swap it for credit to use toward another book. but i decided that i would pass this book along to a BLM who had never read it, and who might get some comfort from it.


how to enter:

entering is simple. just leave a comment for each item that you would like. i'll leave the giveaway open until the 11th, and then select the winners on the 12th {Juju's 8 month angelversary}. good luck!