last week was hard, emotionally.
our little one got sick for the 1st time. she had a tummy bug. i got the call from D at work that she had thrown up and wasn't feeling well. and the panic started. despite his urging me to stay at work, i packed up my things to head home. but i was paralyzed by fear. i didn't want to leave. the last time i got a phone call at work (on the same day of the week, no less) that there was something wrong with my baby, i ended up going home from the hospital empty-handed, broken-hearted, and devastated.
but i gathered up all the courage i had and headed home, crying all the way there. when i got there, and saw my baby looking so tired and pitiful, i lost it. i was so sure that this was the day that i had been dreading since i found out i was pregnant with her - the day she would be leaving us too. and after i freaked out, i calmed down enough to scoop her in my arms. i begged her to eat something. i kissed her over and over, and ran my fingers through her hair.
she continued refusing to eat, and throwing up. and i prepared myself for the thought of having to take her to a hospital. but eventually we forced her to take some pedialyte. and then little by little she came around and eventually nursed. by evening she was looking much better and acting more normal. by the next morning, she was pretty much back to normal. but my heart and head felt as though they were on the brink of exploding.
i took the next day off of work to recuperate.
a few days later, she turned 8 months old - another milestone day i never made it to with Julius. but i was on my high of thankfulness that we had made it that far. and in the midst of the happiness, i found the pad of paper that D began writing his eulogy for Julius' service. and the spiral began again.
needless to say that by the end of the week, i was completely exhausted. i am thankful that little girl only had a tummy bug, and that we have made it to 8 months with her. i know there will be other instances in which she will get sick or hurt, and i dread each one. but i hope that eventually i will be able to react to the situation without having my PTSD take over and get the best of me. until then, with the help of D and Julius, i will keep pressing on.
Back to School for the Child Loss Parent
5 years ago
7 comments:
Oh you poor thing. That must have been so hard. This time of year can't be that easy, either.
I think you will find that the older she gets and
the more of these situations that turn out okay, the more you will relax a little. I can't believe I went from not even wanting to let Luke out of my arms to sleep because I was so afraid I'd wake up and he'd be gone, to barely blinking when he FALLS ON HIS HEAD/FACE. (He almost never cries, and my motto is that if he doesn't cry, he's probably okay.) It is definitely a process though, like everything else.
So glad that little Juli is better (and Mama is hanging in there)! Your family has been on my mind this weekend since someone took my daughter to McDonald's - Julius the monkey is featured prominently on the Happy Meal box and there is even a book about him in there! I haven't read it yet but my daughter has been toting it around the house the entire weekend and each time I see it I say a prayer for you all (and try not to cry)! Love you guys, and get a Happy Meal if you can! <3
I can identify with getting nutty every time my kids get sick. My mind immediately goes to the worst possible idea. Life is so fragile and we of all people know that. ((hugs)) I'm glad she's doing better!
It's impossible not to worst-case-scenario everything. (Just ask me about the rash on C's neck that google told me was either scarlet fever or scabies but turned out to be a breakout from David not cleaning her up sufficiently when her bottle leaked.)
I so totally understand your fears. B has lymph nodes that seem swollen (he must have lymphoma was my immediate reaction)... I had THREE doctors look at it before I was convinced that he was fine-- as they all said it was normal.
We're just so broken and battered having lost our firstborns. :/
So glad baby girl is doing better.
That can be SO scary! Especially going through what you already have. I am so sorry mama!! I hope these occurances are few and far between! I am glad to hear she is feeling better!
Oh dear how scary :(. Glad the little sweetie is better. I'm also that paranoid mom - I tend to call the pediatrician office at the drop of a hat - but really we have reason to be that way don't we?
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