life these days...

...is busy, is stressful, is full of grieve and longing and deep deep love.

i've started writing this post several times in my head. i feel like a broken record most days. our rainbow celebrated her 1st birthday not too long ago. it was an amazingly bittersweet day. one that i was not convinced i would get to see. it was a quiet celebration. my sister and her boyfriend came over. we had lunch, cake, and watched her open presents. we lit a candle for her big brother who could not be there with us.

even as time continues to move forward at lightening speed, i know a piece of me is always stuck in october 12, 2010. grieving a child is a life sentence. i go through the daily motions - send the work emails, do the grocery shopping, go to the gym - but i'm never 100% present. i'm only 2 yrs into grieving, and find myself overwhelmed by the thought that this will be what i have to deal with for the rest of my life. it doesn't feel survivable, even when i have survived this far...