Tuesday, February 12, 2013

life these days...

...is busy, is stressful, is full of grieve and longing and deep deep love.

i've started writing this post several times in my head. i feel like a broken record most days. our rainbow celebrated her 1st birthday not too long ago. it was an amazingly bittersweet day. one that i was not convinced i would get to see. it was a quiet celebration. my sister and her boyfriend came over. we had lunch, cake, and watched her open presents. we lit a candle for her big brother who could not be there with us.

even as time continues to move forward at lightening speed, i know a piece of me is always stuck in october 12, 2010. grieving a child is a life sentence. i go through the daily motions - send the work emails, do the grocery shopping, go to the gym - but i'm never 100% present. i'm only 2 yrs into grieving, and find myself overwhelmed by the thought that this will be what i have to deal with for the rest of my life. it doesn't feel survivable, even when i have survived this far...


8 comments:

TanaLee Davis said...

Grief is hard to understand let alone predict. We all may just live going through the motions or there could be a point we come to that allows us to move beyond "that day"...who knows for sure? But one thing is for sure, the love you have for juju and I have for TanaLee is lasting and one day we will have all our wants fulfilled. That includes our want to have our babies back. Hugs mama-
Felicia

Natasha said...

Definitely a life sentence......it's crazy to think we're only 2 years in and have the rest of our lives to go. Sending lots of love your way my friend.

B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

Every time I come here to read, I see that picture of you guys above with Juju and just think about who you must have been when Julius was here with you. And that I don't know those people. Well, I know lots of you because of the love you show for Julius always and it's beautiful.

I'm still so sad that Juju is not here with you.

Maxie's Mommy said...

I started writing such a similar post today. I also feel like a broken record. I am stuck... I get it. At least we can finally do the grocery shopping and the gym. There was a long time that I didn't think I would ever even be able to do those things again. My heart is with you Tiffany. This is the hardest road ever. You are doing so well.

LauraJane said...

Ugh, yes, 1 million times over.

It's not even that I wonder if it's survivable, I just wonder sometimes what the point of surviving is, ya know? Like of course we survive for our rainbows and our loved ones but that we have to live with this shit for the rest of our lives. HATE.

:(

Tiffany said...

"it doesn't feel survivable, even when I have survived this far."
this- yes. definitely. I think this all the time.

thinking of you! and remembering juju's sweet sweet smile!

Deanna said...

"grieving a child is a life sentence." - for real! I think that I will never be able to live the rest of my life without River and here I am almost 4 years later - how does that happen?

such true words. much love to you, remembering Juju always.

rebecca said...

So true and so beautifully written! I also find some things trigger me so quickly that it's a rush of emotion all at once and it knocks me back with the weight of it all. I think the love and the joy our rainbows have brought into our lives is what gets us through and makes it doable. Sending love your way!

Post a Comment