our rainbow

i don't write about our rainbow much on this blog. this is a space i dedicate mostly to Julius. this blog was started for Julius to document my pregnancy journey with him, and then it became a place to grieve for him. while baby girl is most definitely part of that process now, i just needed to keep her journey separate.

but i always wonder how the death of her brother that she never had the privilege of meeting will affect her. Julius' presence is all over the house. his pictures are out, his urn sits on our dresser. and daily i continue my ritual of giving it a kiss before i leave for work.

when she was just a few months old, i stopped by the dresser while holding her, and let her stare at his picture/urn. as i turned to walk away, she started wailing. i didn't understand why she was suddenly crying, and so i walked back to the dresser. she stopped and stared. after a few seconds, i walked away again, and the same thing happened. so i walked back. and again she was quiet. this happened 1 more time before i burst into tears myself. it made me wonder what it was that she was thinking. it made me hopeful that Julius was present somehow, someway.

since that time, there really hasn't been much acknowledgement from her of her brother, not that i thought there should be as she's still too young. but a few weeks ago, while we were all in our room, she took her paci out of her mouth, and walked toward the dresser with puckered lips. she wanted to give him a kiss. it made my heart explode. she has puckered her lips to give him a kiss pretty much every day since.

she is so incredibly loving. make no mistake, she's a passionate, talkative, opinionated little girl. but her heart is so full of love. she is very attached to her parents. she's got an amazing sense of humor. she loves popping out of things/hiding under things and scaring people. she loves bubbles. she loves sesame street, and eating out of her parents' plates. she looks more like her brother every day, though i know their personalities are opposite. i'm sure she would be the one getting big brother in trouble if she had been given the chance. and just like i felt with her brother, looking into her face and holding her makes all of my superficial troubles go away. she continues to fill my heart with love. she's amazing. she's the perfect gift from him.