Thursday, March 21, 2013

our rainbow

i don't write about our rainbow much on this blog. this is a space i dedicate mostly to Julius. this blog was started for Julius to document my pregnancy journey with him, and then it became a place to grieve for him. while baby girl is most definitely part of that process now, i just needed to keep her journey separate.

but i always wonder how the death of her brother that she never had the privilege of meeting will affect her. Julius' presence is all over the house. his pictures are out, his urn sits on our dresser. and daily i continue my ritual of giving it a kiss before i leave for work.

when she was just a few months old, i stopped by the dresser while holding her, and let her stare at his picture/urn. as i turned to walk away, she started wailing. i didn't understand why she was suddenly crying, and so i walked back to the dresser. she stopped and stared. after a few seconds, i walked away again, and the same thing happened. so i walked back. and again she was quiet. this happened 1 more time before i burst into tears myself. it made me wonder what it was that she was thinking. it made me hopeful that Julius was present somehow, someway.

since that time, there really hasn't been much acknowledgement from her of her brother, not that i thought there should be as she's still too young. but a few weeks ago, while we were all in our room, she took her paci out of her mouth, and walked toward the dresser with puckered lips. she wanted to give him a kiss. it made my heart explode. she has puckered her lips to give him a kiss pretty much every day since.

she is so incredibly loving. make no mistake, she's a passionate, talkative, opinionated little girl. but her heart is so full of love. she is very attached to her parents. she's got an amazing sense of humor. she loves popping out of things/hiding under things and scaring people. she loves bubbles. she loves sesame street, and eating out of her parents' plates. she looks more like her brother every day, though i know their personalities are opposite. i'm sure she would be the one getting big brother in trouble if she had been given the chance. and just like i felt with her brother, looking into her face and holding her makes all of my superficial troubles go away. she continues to fill my heart with love. she's amazing. she's the perfect gift from him.

10 comments:

Maxie's Mommy said...

I have been reading a little lately about "replacement children", a term I hate, but one that psychologists use to describe children born after a child dies. I know there is no way that our children's death won't affect our next children somehow but I believe that the love we give them and the knowledge that that love never dies will give them the strength and courage to get through life's challenges. Your rainbow girl sounds like such a love and I know she heals your heart, as my rainbow heals mine. Thank you for sharing her. I wonder what/who she already knows. I;m sure she is wise beyond her year!

B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

Replacement child? Oh my word. Please tell me the psych community didn't just sterilize our realities. :/ Partially the reason I didn't want to visit a psych. I didn't want to be put in a box.

Juli is such a ray of sunshine and it's obvious she understands love and emotion. She may not understand where Julius is or that he is her older brother just yet, but she most definitely understands what's important to her family and that makes him important to her.

Love to you all.

LauraJane said...

I'm re-reading that term, replacement child. Makes me sick.

Juli is a delight and I love that she puckers up to kiss her brother. We've had our share of Grace staring off into the corner, smiling, cooing, etcetera into the corner and I swear it's Jack. I don't even care if it's not, it soothes my soul to think it is.

xox momma.

Tiffany said...

Just like her big brother- I smile every time I see her beautiful smile! She is definitely a gift from Julius and I believe that our babies know their siblings- even if they aren't here with us.

Caroline said...

Oh she's so precious. I love that he was the mellow babe and she is your fire cracker.

Mary said...

They are rainbow babies for a reason, but def not a replacement. She sounds like such a wonderful little girl. And how sweet she is to want to kiss Julius every night.

Jessica said...

So sweet...I want more than anything for Maxwell to know his brothers and especially know that he is not a replacement.

Natasha said...

I really do believe our children know their siblings. When I catch Mason staring off into space quietly I know, I just know, he is communicating with Aiden.

I love that Juli gives her big bro a kiss every day- so sweet :) You have one special little fiesty girl there! Both of your babies are amazing <3

Christy said...

My heart smiles!!!! I know kissing his pictures is so special for you.

Rona Fernandez said...

That is a beautiful, moving story. Brought tears to my eyes, tears of joy mixed with sadness. She is a gift indeed, and I'm sure she will continue to get to know Julius through you and through her own direct experience of his spirit. I've heard so many stories like this of rainbow children and other living children who can feel our angel babies' spirits. It makes me smile.

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