mom of multiples

of course when i decide to almost give up on this blog, i find some inspiration on new topics to blog about. go fig!

i've been thinking about this a lot since L's arrival. typically in the midst of some incredibly hectic, chaotic moment in which i'm desperately trying to juggle the needs of both of my living children. like when baby girl is being a diva, and L needs to be fed. and after i get both kids settled, i take a breath, stare at them, and thank the universe for allowing me to have such a moment.

it sounds crazy, but it's in those moments that i feel the most peaceful. after baby girl's arrival, i was just so happy to be actively parenting again. but, again, i felt a bit like a fraud. at that point, i was a mom of multiple, but if you didn't know our story, you wouldn't know. and when we were out in public, strangers always just assumed that she was our first.

now, while we still get those hurtful comments from strangers (which will never end, i'm convinced) about how now i have 1 girl and 1 boy (ugh!), they now SEE me as the mom of multiple children. i've found that i get more of an opportunity to talk about Julius though. sometimes people will ask if i have any other children, so i get to talk about all 3 of my kids. it's nice and hard but comforting.

i think back to the time when my grief was just so fresh it was suffocating, and i NEVER would picture that in a few years i would have 1 rainbow, let alone 2. i didn't even think i would survive losing my firstborn. many days i prayed not to. but now i'm the mom of 3 beautiful amazing kids. and i'm so thankful i have my 2 rainbows to help me through the dark days without my son.

four.

in a week and a half i will have a 4 year old. my firstborn son will be turning four, and yet i have no experience dealing with planning a celebration for a 3-almost-4 year old. i can't ask him what kind of cake he prefers. i can't pick out a theme for his party based on his interests. i can't send out invitations to his friends. so i find myself doing what i have done for every.single.birthday he has had - living in denial for a while before stressing and worrying endlessly that the things i have planned for his day will never do my love for him justice. how i wish every day that things were different.

our family has changed yet again. we have welcomed a 2nd rainbow - our 2nd son (L) - into the world. he is just months old, and such a wonderful combination of his older siblings. baby girl is absolutely head over heels in love with him. to witness her affection for him is so bittersweet. though she took no interest in my pregnancy with him, she became attached to him immediately upon seeing him. very much like the love a mother has for their child. she kisses him about a million times a day (if not more).

it's been very emotional and i really try to take things moment by moment now. i have had some instances of deja vu with L that make me catch my breath. we've got some major milestones coming up in the next few months, and i'm trying hard not to lose my sanity just getting through them. i know i had a hard time with baby girl, but with L being the same gender as Julius, it kicks that PTSD into high gear. So if you have a minute to spare, please say a prayer for us and my sanity.

i'm not really sure what i will do with this space. i think it's time to give up thinking that i will regularly update it. we've had so much going on in our lives over the last year, and i don't see that slowing dow any in the near future (at least i pray it doesn't). i think i may just leave it public for now and update on Julius' special days. but if i do blog, i will most likely pick it up over at the blog i started for baby girl, which i will keep private (for access and the link email me).