Tuesday, May 20, 2014


in a week and a half i will have a 4 year old. my firstborn son will be turning four, and yet i have no experience dealing with planning a celebration for a 3-almost-4 year old. i can't ask him what kind of cake he prefers. i can't pick out a theme for his party based on his interests. i can't send out invitations to his friends. so i find myself doing what i have done for every.single.birthday he has had - living in denial for a while before stressing and worrying endlessly that the things i have planned for his day will never do my love for him justice. how i wish every day that things were different.

our family has changed yet again. we have welcomed a 2nd rainbow - our 2nd son (L) - into the world. he is just months old, and such a wonderful combination of his older siblings. baby girl is absolutely head over heels in love with him. to witness her affection for him is so bittersweet. though she took no interest in my pregnancy with him, she became attached to him immediately upon seeing him. very much like the love a mother has for their child. she kisses him about a million times a day (if not more).

it's been very emotional and i really try to take things moment by moment now. i have had some instances of deja vu with L that make me catch my breath. we've got some major milestones coming up in the next few months, and i'm trying hard not to lose my sanity just getting through them. i know i had a hard time with baby girl, but with L being the same gender as Julius, it kicks that PTSD into high gear. So if you have a minute to spare, please say a prayer for us and my sanity.

i'm not really sure what i will do with this space. i think it's time to give up thinking that i will regularly update it. we've had so much going on in our lives over the last year, and i don't see that slowing dow any in the near future (at least i pray it doesn't). i think i may just leave it public for now and update on Julius' special days. but if i do blog, i will most likely pick it up over at the blog i started for baby girl, which i will keep private (for access and the link email me).


B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

I've been thinking of Julius a lot. I remember when Benjamin turned 4 months. I knew it was the month you guys were shocked to lose him. In this babyloss community, we all share that very harsh and piercing pain of knowing what it is like to say goodbye, but we all have some unique stories. We carry some of the same fear with one another... and in the 4th month of my kids' lives, I always fear even more. Because I know all that I could lose and all that I know but still wonder about them. Claire is 4 months. The fear is crippling.

I am remembering your GORGEOUS Julius this month and always. He should be 4 years. I'm still so angry for you.

S said...

Sending you strength and hugs as you approach his 4th birthday. Congrats on a new little one! I can understand your feelings for sure. We have had a 2nd rainbow also since losing our daughter and I have been having quite a bit of anxiety and panic. I'm definitely hoping it gets less scary and easier to handle. Sending prayers, hugs & strength :)

MrsH said...

Congratulations on the new baby boy! I was wondering whether that was coming soon. What fantastic news! I think just update this space when you have the feeling that you want to write. I am interested in ideas for the four year milestone too.

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