Tuesday, July 8, 2014

4.5 months

this should be a joyous time, rainbow #2 is fast approaching the 4.5 month mark, but i'm filled with fear and anxiety. this is the age Julius was when he passed away. and with both rainbows when i have gotten to this point, i panic inside. will history repeat itself? i feel like i'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. and now particularly because rainbow 2 is a boy, i feel a heightened sense of impending doom. it makes me a little nauseous to be quite honest.

i wonder if i will ever get to see a little boy of mine live past 4.5 months. i beg the universe to give me the opportunity for a long life with this son (with both of my rainbows for that matter). the passed 2 weeks i have felt as though i'm holding my breath. i'm just trying to make it through the month of july. this is just the 1st of a series of milestones that i'd like to pass with this little boy. and even when i make it passed this milestone, it will still be deeply saddening because i never got the opportunity with Julius. bittersweet is what it is.

on top of this, i've heard of 2 or 3 other families in the last 2 months who have recently lost their little ones to SIDS and are just beginning their grief journey. my heart hurts for them. for us. this is an awful reality. losing a child is just so unnatural, and i hate that anyone has to feel this kind of pain. every time i hear of a new loss, i flashback to *that* day, those suffocating emotions of just being shattered and broken, lost and alone. how will they manage to make it through? how will they go on? how did i?

3 comments:

Caroline said...

I'm holding you (and Julius) close to heart as you enter this milestone with E.

The beauty of getting to see him grow, aside from the obvious of him being alive, is that I think he's such a perfect combination of his siblings and I hope as he grows we get sneak peeks of who Julius would have and should have been.

B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

I have told you before, but this 4.5 month mark is fragile to me, too. Because I see Julius' incredibly gorgeous face and because I know he brought you so much joy and was your first baby. And because he was taken from you without warning. It's just totally unfair and seems impossible to understand why someone so perfect and happy and amazing could be gone.

I wish and hope that Enzo will be able to live on and make Julius proud.

Laura Jane said...

Sending you love momma. He's never been forgotten. <3

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