my hubby never ceases to amaze me. in our relationship i am most definitely the selfish griever. i truly don't mean to be, but my emotions constantly take over. it's easy for me to "think" that i am suffering more because i am the one that always grieves "out loud." but then D will do or say something that reminds me that i'm not the only one who lost their precious son, Julius. a few weeks ago, D asked me to read over something for him. i had absolutely no idea what he wanted me to read, but was not at all expecting what i did read. it was so moving and powerful. it brought me to tears. and he was gracious enough to allow me to share his thoughts with you all. i hate that Juju is missing out on spending time with his amazing father. :'(
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Though I would much prefer to be in the position I was before, where I knew very little of the world of babies passing away. Now it seems to be all around, that awareness that makes you take notice of every instance. I am constantly hearing about other couples and their stories of baby loss. I once thought that I would be able to rank the way a baby is lost by the easiest to the hardest. However, I found this to not be the case.
I lost my son as a result of SIDS while he was at his daycare and my wife and I were at work. He was a wonderful son at the very young age of 4.5 months old. I once scoffed at parents that though they can see all these qualities in their children when they were only babies and could do very little. But I knew so much about my son. I can see his personality, I can feel what he was thinking. I felt as though we were cut from the same cloth.
As I hear the stories I try to make the comparisons, I try my best to make my conclusion that it was the hardest for me.
I do hear quite a few stories of miscarriage. As a matter of fact me and my wife experienced a moment where we very firmly believed that we had miscarried our son. When I compare, I feel that it might be better to not have ever know our baby. It would be easier, to think that maybe something was wrong with him and it was better this way. I would not have had to be so attached to him. Yes, I say to myself, the way I lost my son is worse than having a miscarriage. But... I know it is not true. If I said that having a miscarriage is easier then I would have to say that I would be willing to give up the 4.5 months that I spent with him. And I would never do that. I would never give up a single minute that I spent with my son. And though he was taken away, I had him. He was in my arms, I stared into his eyes, and we were in love.
My son died of SIDS, but I do hear stories of babies being lost to accidents or disease. Situations that give parents a reason that it has happened. My situation has to be worse. I have no one to blame. Nowhere to point the finger. If I traveled into the past, there is nothing that I could have done that would have prevented what happened to my son. What would it be like to have someone or something to yell at as I cry inside. But... I know it is not true. Life is not fair either way. Whether you have someone to blame or not would never alleviate any of the grief that I feel. The grief that I hold is between me and my son. It is something we share. I miss and love him as I know that he misses and loves me. It is irrelevant how me and my son got into this situation but it is the situation we are in. So I really cannot believe that having someone to blame would make the world right. It would not make the world more fair. It would not bring me and my son together.
Another situation that I hear is of parents losing their children when they are older. I only had 4.5 months with my son. Other parents got a chance to see their children walk, some talked, some had play dates with other children. Some children went to school and some even graduated. My situation has to be worse. I never saw my son take his first walk, grow his first tooth, or say his first word. Everything that I was looking forward to, all the events I imagined my son accomplishing, never came to fruition. But ...I know it is not true. This was a tough one. I would give my life to spend just a little bit more time with him. But in order for me to believe that it is easier to lose a child later in life then I would have to believe that love diminishes over time. And I do not believe it does. I loved my son so much on the very first day, even when I was placing my head next to my wife's pregnant belly. And that love never wavered or weakened at any point. I am certain that no matter what his age was I would love him the same, and the hurt would be the same.
I try my best to make my conclusion that it was the hardest for me, but I cannot. They are all bad, unfair, and grief filled. It is hard to explain the point of all this. What it boils down to for me is....I am not alone. We might all handle and deal with things differently, but no matter the circumstances we are all in the same situation. I am not alone.
