Giveaway & Some Happiness...

time is a concept that i know little about these days. i just can not understand how it's been almost 9 months since i held Julius in my arms. my goodness, how have i made it this far? this time last year my parents were in town visiting and meeting Juju for the 1st time. we were proudly showing off our little boy. it seems like just yesterday. it sickens me to think of how happy i was just 1 year ago - i'd say the happiest i'd ever been. and then to think of the devastation just a few months later. october 12, 2010 - a day you couldn't pay me a million dollars to repeat. i'm still in my grief slump, but i think i'm on my way out. i just miss him so so much these days. i'm sure i pretty much say that in every post, but that's a fact that remains. my longing for him and my love for him will always be present.

but while i was in the midst of my grief slump, i decided to do a little something for myself. it's amazing to me how much of an affect grief has on your physical being. i thought i was doing really well (physically) at the beginning. but now after 9 months, i know that i'm at a breaking point. i went back to work almost 2 weeks after Julius passed away. and aside from a couple of small trips {and 1 in which i had the flu}, i have not had a break since he passed away. so i booked a trip to the great state of Minnesota for a week. it seems kind of random, especially since i have no personal ties to that state. but i will be meeting with some amazing women who have become some of my dearest friends on this journey, in part because they are BLMs and on the grief journey themselves.

i have not been excited about anything in the almost 9 months since i lost my son, but i am so very excited about this. i need this. i need time away. i need to get away from the day to day routine. i need a break from work. i need a break from my reality for a while. and it's great that i will be amongst women who get it, who get me, who, unfortunately, get this pain. if i start sobbing, they will know what to do/say. no one will be scared of me. i won't have to worry about someone asking me if i have children. they all know my story. and i can be "normal." i need this trip. seriously.

and getting back to my original discussion about time. on july 2nd i realized that we were in july, and that i hadn't posted my giveaway for the month!! time really is escaping me. anyway, since Juju passed away i started collected willow tree figurines. i don't know why they bring me so much comfort, but they do. i'm actually running out of space to put them in my house. but one of my favorite figurines is the angel of hope. and hope is something that i struggle with the most these days.

via

the giveaway:
so this month's giveaway is for a WT angel of hope.

how to enter:
to enter, just leave a comment and tell me if you have started collecting anything to feel close to your angel{s}. and for an extra entry, leave a separate comment with something that you hope for. since i will be on my trip on Julius' 9 month angelversary {when i usually announce the winner}, i will keep the giveaway open until the 15th, and then announce the winner on july 16th. good luck!

Here Comes the Sun?

i'm a big Beatles fan {i blame it on my dad making us listen to "oldie goldies" during every car ride}. i put The Beatles on my birthing playlist {i even, very appropriately, sang "Help" to myself while in labor}. and on one of our shopping trips, while i was on maternity leave, Juju and i bought a Beatles cd to listen to on our car rides. when he was fussy in the car, i would turn up the music, and sing to him. it worked about 50% of the time. ;)

i've been having a rather rough time with being hopeful lately as i mentioned in my hope post. and i've been missing Julius pretty badly today. but this song has been circulating around  in my mind for a couple of weeks. i always dismiss it because it seems like too hopeful a song for me to sing right now. but thought i would share, for those who are more receptive, for those who are allowing the hope in...

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,

and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter

Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces

Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,

and I say it's all right

It's all right

Hope...

some of you may have already noticed the adorable button on the side of my blog. franchesca has done it again. this time she has created a blog hop in order to celebrate hope and spread it to others. so every month on the 19th {yep, i'm a day early}, i will be making a post about hope, and where i am on my hope journey...

i have to be honest, i was really hesitant to join in. these days hope is not something that i have much of, let alone enough to share with others. but, even in my darkest moments, i have found my mind trying with all of it's might to wriggle it's way to the light.

so what brings me hope these days??

for the last couple of weeks, the person that has brought me the most hope, the person for which i have taken my every breath has been my hubby, D. after a particularly rough patch a few weeks ago, i found myself about to give up hope, about to throw in the proverbial towel. and then, as he always seems to do, D picked up on this, and swooped in to "save" me. one night we had a rather emotional discussion about everything that's happened. i don't think we had talked that openly and honestly since Juju passed away. and i know it's because he has been trying to protect me from more hurt. he knows how deeply grieved i am, and he doesn't want to make it worse. but that night we talked, and i cried {no surprise there}, and he listened. and though very emotional, it was good, it was healing, it was needed.

on valentine's day, as i was so busy buying presents for my baby boy, my husband bought me a card, and wrote a very touching, very heartfelt message in it. the last couple of lines of his message:

"...I am not finished building our family to whatever shape or form it may take. Please have hope for our future family and do not forget our long term together."

i can't tell you how much that moved me. to know that he has hope that we will be able to expand our family in the future, that there is more to our family story, brought me to tears. not only that, but it somehow gave me a renewed sense of hope. it gave me strength to hold on a little bit longer. it gave me courage to take one more step and one more breath....to hang on. so though i don't have *much* hope, it's still there, and for now the hope is brought to you by the letter "D".

The Heart of Life...doing good in his name

a few nights ago, i was in bed listening to the john mayer song "the heart of life" {thanks for getting the song stuck in my head, kristin}. and though i had heard this song thousands of times {i'm a big JM fan, and have this cd}, it felt as though i was hearing it, especially the chorus, for the first time.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole things around. No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good."

the heart of life....good? these days i constantly feel like i'm being repetitively kicked in the gut by life. my infant son, my first born child is gone. how can it be good?

i've always been a bit cynical and skeptical of signs. i'm much more open to them these days because it is a way for me to continue to connect with my son. even if they are mere coincidences, i like to think that maybe everything lined up perfectly in the universe to allow me to receive or experience something. and it seems like every time i start to slip into sadness, i am sent a sign. for example, when i was laying in bed listening to this song, i, of course, started crying. and a few minutes later, received a text message from a friend telling me that she was thinking about me and Julius. she then went on to paint the most comforting picture for me of Juju and her mother, who has also passed away, together enjoying themselves in Heaven.

was that truly a sign? who knows. did it come at exactly the right time? absolutely yes. so the new me, the grieving mother me, is going to take this as a sign that Julius wants me to know that he's ok. a sign that God, through someone else, is trying to comfort me because he knows how much pain i am in, and He's sorry.

i've also talked about how in 2011 i want to do good, meaningful things. i want to "pay it forward." and as ms. franchesca so eloquently put it in her blog post today, i want to be on "the other end of compassion"...in Juju's name. i've decided that in 2011 i'm going to "host" a few giveaways myself. i'm hoping to do 1 each month. i've received so much from such compassionate people. and i hope that maybe i can bring a smile to another grieving mother who's heart is completely broken like mine is. i unfortunately know what the pain of losing a child feels like now, and i want to do whatever i can to soften the blow.just.a.bit.

i already know what january's giveaway will be. but i'm going to wait until the 1st to post it. they will definitely be different every month (btw, if you have any ideas for giveaway items, lmk). i'm not creative at all, so i will spare everyone the experience of receiving anything handmade from me, but the general themes of the giveaways will be honoring our little ones, and hope for the future. that's all that means anything to me anymore. i'm really excited about this, and about playing a part in someone else thinking that the heart of life is good. since i'm still struggling myself to believe that it is...

Strength

over the course of the last month and a half, i have received compliments from many people regarding my strength. things like "your strength is amazing" or "you are such a strong person". usually when i hear something like that, my first instinct is to chuckle or roll my eyes {and i hope i have not offended anyone that i have done this to in person}. it's just that these days the word "strong" is not one that i would use when referring to myself. ever.

i am not strong at all. strength is something i wish i possessed. what i am is desperate. desperate to hold my baby one last time. desperate to wake up every 2 hours to feed someone. desperate to have to leave work at lunch every day to feed a baby that is too adorably stubborn to take a bottle. desperate to do diaper laundry and the tedious task of stuffing said diapers. desperate to deal with a fussy baby who is on the cusp of the dreading teething process. desperate to hold on...

what i am is weak. too weak to get out of bed in the morning without first writing a letter to my baby. too weak to brave the stores and shopping during this holiday season. too weak to do much else besides go to work. and i'm too broken to open his drawers, and look at his clothes. too broken to take the car seat out of my car. too broken to even drive by babies r us.

how can anyone even remotely classify me as strong? i know that looks can be deceiving some times, and the fact that i do get out of bed and get to work most days says something. but what that something is is not that i am strong. or that i have found the will to continue to live my life. it means that i'm going through the motions. that i'm existing. that i'm actually sick of sitting in my bed and staring at all of his things. that i'm trying to keep my mind busy in order to delay the next inevitable breakdown.

my hope these days is that one day, while going through the motions, i will start to find new purpose and meaning. my hope is that this cloud of darkness that is suffocating me will start to lift. my hope is that all of the thoughts and prayers that have been said for us will reach God's ears and he will have mercy on us. my hope is that one day, i may actually believe that i am a strong individual. but for now, i will just hope...