but while i was in the midst of my grief slump, i decided to do a little something for myself. it's amazing to me how much of an affect grief has on your physical being. i thought i was doing really well (physically) at the beginning. but now after 9 months, i know that i'm at a breaking point. i went back to work almost 2 weeks after Julius passed away. and aside from a couple of small trips {and 1 in which i had the flu}, i have not had a break since he passed away. so i booked a trip to the great state of Minnesota for a week. it seems kind of random, especially since i have no personal ties to that state. but i will be meeting with some amazing women who have become some of my dearest friends on this journey, in part because they are BLMs and on the grief journey themselves.
i have not been excited about anything in the almost 9 months since i lost my son, but i am so very excited about this. i need this. i need time away. i need to get away from the day to day routine. i need a break from work. i need a break from my reality for a while. and it's great that i will be amongst women who get it, who get me, who, unfortunately, get this pain. if i start sobbing, they will know what to do/say. no one will be scared of me. i won't have to worry about someone asking me if i have children. they all know my story. and i can be "normal." i need this trip. seriously.
and getting back to my original discussion about time. on july 2nd i realized that we were in july, and that i hadn't posted my giveaway for the month!! time really is escaping me. anyway, since Juju passed away i started collected willow tree figurines. i don't know why they bring me so much comfort, but they do. i'm actually running out of space to put them in my house. but one of my favorite figurines is the angel of hope. and hope is something that i struggle with the most these days.
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so this month's giveaway is for a WT angel of hope.
how to enter:
to enter, just leave a comment and tell me if you have started collecting anything to feel close to your angel{s}. and for an extra entry, leave a separate comment with something that you hope for. since i will be on my trip on Julius' 9 month angelversary {when i usually announce the winner}, i will keep the giveaway open until the 15th, and then announce the winner on july 16th. good luck!
16 comments:
Tiff~ I know exactly what you mean about time... lately it doesn't make any sense to me. Sometimes it seems so long since she left but it feels like she was just here yesterday... I am very excited for you ladies to be here soon!
I don't collect anything in particular since Ellie passed away, but anything that is bright pink or purple gets my attention right away, and it reminds me of Ellie
Tiff time is definitely a strange strange concept these days. And what is normal is strange now as well.
Like the phrase- "July 2nd". It's a pretty normal thing to see used in a sentence to talk about a date. But reading that on your post just now completely took me back to Saturday night when I cried myself to sleep because on July 2nd (2 days ago) Aiden would have been 8 months old. I hate that my new normal means that "normal" things take me to such a low place.
Sigh...
I know I really need this vacation too and I'm so glad we decided to do it. I am actually getting excited and I haven't felt this way in a long time! Can't wait to see you guys!!
Since Aiden passed anything with dragonflies or with the color turquoise in it reminds me of him. So I have quite the collection of both now. I also love the WT angels although so far I've only bought myself one. They really are so calming and special.
((hugs)) to you on your upcoming angelversary.
I haven't started collecting anything, but the moon has a special significance to me regarding Charlotte. "I love you right up to the moon and back." is a quote I associate with her as well.
I have to say that you tend to amaze me often. I know going through grief you don't FEEL strong. People did and continue to tell me that I am so strong and they can't imagine losing a child. But I always tell them that we just do what we have to do. And some days that's just breathing and existing. But YOU do truly amaze me with your strength. You have become a huge support to so many other BLM's. Then to read about you going back to work 2 WEEKS after you lost sweet Julius. That makes me feel SO weak. I TRIED to go back after 5 weeks off and had to leave because I couldn't focus on anything, I felt so lost and anxious. I ended up taking a full 3 months off. Not just because I had delivered my baby but mostly because I couldn't handle everything. I pushed and pushed with everyone that I needed to go back to work right away (I initially thought I'd just be taking a weekend off to deliver my baby) but people kept telling me I should take it slower. I just thought that getting back into a routine would somehow make it all go away. So my point in all of this is to say that I am here to tell you, as a BLM who took some time after my loss, it does help. You need space to breath and find your footing again. I found that in support groups. I'm excited for you to go meet your girls. I actually flew out to California last month to meet a friend I met online. She had a baby girl in 2009 who passed after 4 hours. Then the day after Mother's Day this year she had a 2nd daughter who passed after 7 hours. It was truly amazing to give her a real hug and cry real tears together.
Sorry for the long response but your post made me think about a few things.
As far as collecting things to remember Addison, I am very protective of her photographs and her memory box. But the only things that we continue to add are from attending things with the support groups. Little candles from the Walk To Remember, Christmas ornaments from the Night Of Memories. I put the pamphlet from our Angel Garden Ceremony this year that I was the parent speaker at in her memory box. I actually do have 2 of the Willow Tree figurines also. I received them as gifts while I was pregnant with Addison so they are really special to me.
Sometimes I feel like I make great progress from where I was this time last year, but the holiday's and angelversaries always seem to bring those feelings to surface again. I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago, but those triggers aren't easy. I still have the very first thing that we bought Laken and that is her Winnie the Pooh stroller. I see so many mommies using the very same one and it hits me like a ton bricks every time.
I can't seem to go anywhere without buying something for Laken to go into her curio cabinet. I feel like it's something I need to do. I didn't get to buy here the things that I was suppose to so instead I just collect things that I see that make me think of her. She such a special little girl <3
What do I hope for? There is so much I could write that just wouldn't fit into this little box. I just wish I could feel normal again. I wish I wasn't terrified all of the time with something happening to my other two children. I wish I wasn't terrified of trying for another baby. I'm deeply terrified of having to relive the pain that I'm slowly recovering from that yet, won't ever be fully gone from my life.
I hope that you have such a fabulous time on your trip! I am glad that you will be in good and comforting company, you certainly deserve this time for you. Lots of love and know that I think about you and Juju often. ((hugs))
Tiffany, is your trip for the Memorial in Oct?
I collect pieces from The Midnight Orange. Her work is so awesome to me.
i have started collecting wt figurines and monkeys(wyatt was our little monkey).
hope you have a relaxing trip.
i hope to someday try for more babies. i hope i can be strong when and if the time ever comes.
I have begun collecting butterflies for River's Garden & cemetery. I have a couple of the Willow Tree figures. I think things I can get his name on have to be the top "collection"
what gives me hope? amazing things like this, amazing people like you! (PS, I can't wait to see you next weekend!)
I was a Minnesota girl my whole life until I moved to Alaska 4 years ago. I hope you love it there, the summers are beautiful. Hopefully your time with other blm's will be comforting also.
I have started collecting the WT angels since Liam has passed and also I have kept dried flowers from every single one of the bouquets of flowers I have gotten from Liam's funeral, burial, mothers day, and friends. I want to create something special with them.
Tiffany, you hit the nail on the head. No matter how long it's been, it will always hurt, if not more! I haven't collected anything really but if I did it would be giraffes; pairs of them. They meant nothing before, but now anytime I see a giraffe I think of my sweet twin boys. I can see why you collect these angels. I brought the ones you gave me on Mother's Day. Up here they are sitting on a side table together facing the tv, doing something they should've been able to, watch cartoons with big bro Reilly.
I hope that one day I only smile when I think about my boys. I hope that the closer I get to Heaven, the more excited I am to see them!
Sorry I've been so behind on blog reading lately but trying to catch up when I have a moment. Hope you have an amazing time in Minnesota & especially as you get together with all of those awesome BLM's. Sending so much love your way!
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