Sunday, January 22, 2012

my heart still aches

right now, i'm sitting in bed with my laptop set up on my breakfast tray table writing this post with a little girl asleep in my lap. i'm listening to one of the sweetest sounds in the world - her breathing. i'm thankful for her and all of the joy and laughter that she has brought into our lives in the short time she has been here. and often i glance across the room at the huge blowup canvas photo of her brother, trying to see the similarities in their features, and wondering what he would be doing/saying if he were here.

i miss him so much. i knew i would. i know that one child does not replace another. but that doesn't stop the hurting, or the longing for him. i think there are some people that think that just because you have gone on to have another child {after you've lost} that you are "moving on" with your life, or that you are suddenly healed of the pain. some people, once uncomfortable around you because of your sadness, now think that it is "safe" to come around again. surely i am in a "better/happier" place now that our little girl has been born.

o, there is no doubt at all that i am happier. this tiny person has made us the happiest we have been since october 12, 2010. i feel my heart expanding daily with such intense love and devotion for her. the feeling is incredible. and i beg and plead with whoever is running the show to give us the opportunity to watch this tiny person grow into a big person. but that does not now or ever negate the feeling of intense sadness i feel that my son never got the chance to grow into a big person. her presence does not "fix" our broken hearts or cancel out our love for him.

yes, she makes us happy. but he does as well. i won't stop talking about him because she is here. i'm not going to take down his pictures to put up hers {of course i will put her's up in addition to his}. yes, i will have happier days {i hope} because of her. but i will have sad days too because of his absence. so, while on the outside it may appearance like the "coast is clear," i can assure you that the grief is far from over.

18 comments:

rebecca said...

Glad that happiness and joy have reentered your lives with Juli and you're right it doesn't take away the grief or pain but it does help make life seem worth living and fills a purpose & desire that only a child can give. So thankful you guys have Juli and for what she is bringing into your lives.

Brooke said...

I think this makes perfect sense. Happiness and sadness are not either/or, they are both/and. But I'm so glad your baby girl is here with you.

Kelly said...

When I first told people I was pregnant, everyone kept saying, "Aren't you soooo excited?!" I kinda felt like they were implying that now I can stop being sad for Adam. It was really hard for me. This baby does not make me all better. She makes me happy at the idea of her being here soon, but it also makes me sad that she will never meet Adam or never got to know him. I understand what you're saying.

Caroline said...

Totally understand. You will and should always grieve for your son, for what should have been. I hope you get to see her grow into a beautiful girl and woman. Loving and missing her brother every step of the way

Susan said...

I understand too. I natter away to Madeleine about Catherine. I find that helps a bit xx

Julie M. Gomez said...

I still think of you often Tiffany and pray for your family. I know that your daughter is blessed to have you and Dennis as her parents as well as to have Julius for a brother--your memories and wonderful times together will live on through the stories you will share with her.

--Julie M. Gomez (former Zumba participant)

Natasha said...

Totally get all of this. I am scared a lot of time to tell people when something makes me happy because I think they will think I've moved on from Aiden. There is no way that could ever be possible. These tiny precious babies bring so much joy and love into your life. But it doesn't change the fact that someone will always be missing. Thinking of you all with lots of love

Caroline said...

I understand , I have living children before my losses & my Rainbow But nothing could ever take those missing spots No matter how hard I would try.
{{{Hugs}}}

Mackey said...

Happy Belated Birthday!!! I have not been here in awhile. ;0) Congratulations on the birth of your new little bundle of love. I think of you often and pray for you daily. I'm a BLM (3x, actually), not sure if I ever shared that with you before.Although I have 8 healthy thriving children, there are many days that I am sad and grieve the loss of my other children. This is healthy and natural. I always hate to hear others belittle the loss of children. Loss is loss and grief grabs you in ways even I can't begin to understand or comprehend even now 14 years later. Take your time, celebrate and enjoy your new baby, but also greive and celebrate Juju. His sweet smile and memory will be around forever. My own journey has been made eaiser through you and the strentgh you have given myself and countless others by telling your story and setting a few records straight. ;0) ((((((HUGS)))))

TanaLee Davis said...

You hit the nail on the head for many of us who are TTC or on the way to a rainbow or those who already enjoy the gleaming colors so close instead of far...Thank you for putting words to my thoughts. Hugs-
Felicia

Ashley said...

This post is so very true, I struggled with this after my son was born - people somehow took that as we had moved on and different hurt anymore or long for Beckett. How wrong that is...I think having a baby around made me what him here much more...I so badly want him here with us experience the happiness of having another child. Thinking of you always <3

LauraJane said...

I'm so very glad she's with you. I love your heart is exploding with love for her. I love it.

This makes complete, and total sense. One baby doesn't replace another, and while she brings great joy to your life, that wound has never healed. I feel you momma.

starsmaycollide said...

There's no doubt I was so happy for you to hear the news of your baby girl's arrival-but of course it doesn't mean that your grief for Julius has disappeared or gone away. You are a mother of two- your angel baby is every bit as important as your earthly one.

eggsinarow said...

I'm so happy for you, but I will promise to keep Julius in my heart.

sarah said...

tiffany, congratulations on your baby girl. and yes, it doesn't take away any of the pain, none of it at all. in fact, some days, for me, having owen here makes me miss otis even more I think. that's not to say that owen doesn't bring me incredible joy - because he does - all the time - but it does nothing to change the huge hole that otis left when he left us. I imagine it's the same for you. sending lots of love.

amourningmom said...

I could not agree with you more. There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss our baby boys. When our twins arrived, 2 years after Jake had died, someone said to me "how great, you got your baby boy back." I could not even form the words to respond to that one.

Sending you peace and hugs. Thinking of you and Julius. Take care.

Lia said...

Congratulations Tiffany I am so happy you have another darling child. The pain of losing a child never goes away. I have very close friend of mine who lost her second child to SIDS 30 years ago and she still grieves that baby boy to this day. My friend went on to have another child that bought and happiness to the family but they still think about the baby boy that is in heaven each and every day.

For Talya said...

Tiffany, my heart is with you (and Julius), as always. I am always moved by how well your posts resonate with me. This was true from the first time I visited your blog, and it continues to be the case now that each of our lives have changed with the births of our second children. I am thinking of you all.

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