Thursday, February 23, 2012

my beautiful dream

the past couple of days have been incredibly emotional/tough. yesterday i sat baby girl on my lap and we watched a couple of Julius' videos. i haven't had the courage to watch any of his videos since shortly after he passed away. and though i wasn't feeling completely up to it, i just wanted to remember. i wanted to see him moving and cooing. i wanted to hear his voice. i feel like his presence here was a dream, a beautiful dream. and i had to remind myself that he was real.

it was so hard to watch him in all of those familiar places (most to which she's already been) and acting like a tiny baby. by the time i was done looking at the videos, tears were streaming down my face as she sat there oblivious. i just want him back. i want him here with me, with us.

18 comments:

Caroline said...

Oh hun - I'm sure that was so tough. I'm glad you have those videos to remember what a perfect little boy he was and to continue to share with his sister. You are such a good momma to both your babies.

Rona Fernandez said...

When Naima first passed away, for the first few weeks, my husband would sometimes cry and say 'Was it just a dream that she was here with us?' At the time I couldn't understand how he could think that, she was still so real to me even though she wasn't with us anymore. As more time has passed, and especially these last couple months, I have come to understand that feeling that our babies were some kind of fantastic, amazing, beautiful dream. But then I remind myself that she was real, that I really held her in my arms, that I really nursed her, etc. I'm so sorry that Julius is not in your arms right now. I wish we could both have our babies with us again the way they were before.

My New Normal said...

Sending hugs to you!!

Holly said...

((Hugs)) it can be tough to watch the videos

Tiffany said...

Videos... I am so thankful to have ours but can't bring myself to watch them very often. I too watch them when I feel like she is seeming more than a dream than a reality... I wish we had our babies instead of just videos... Sending lots of love your way!

Brooke said...

I'm so sorry. I think it's great you were able to watch his videos, but I know it was an emotional drain for you as well. Remembering Julius and missing him with you. (hugs)

Deanna said...

Tiffany, I understand this post completely. I wish that you could have your Juju back in your arms. Seeing the videos of them can be so hard, it proves they are real. Hugs to you, dear friend!

TanaLee Davis said...

This sounds like a tough moment. Others like you who have gone on to more children have these moments were they just want to remember and while their rainbow look them in the face thay have tears for what is no longer there. It really must be a struggle. I know that your baby girl will grow up knowing about juju and she will be happy to "remember" with you. hugs-
Felicia

LauraJane said...

I wish he could be with you, too.

I used to watch jacks videos just after he was born and it gave me comfort to do so. I haven't watched them in 6+ months, and I'm really not sure I have it within me to watch them right now. You're a strong one momma. Xox

Becky said...

I am sure those will always be hard to look at, but at least you have those to always remember him by.

Angie said...

Oh Tiffany, just imagining you watching those videos with her breaks my heart. I know what you mean, sometimes I forget that Aiden was actually here and I didn't just make him up.

I've been thinking of you so much lately. I hope you're doing well. All my love.

Susan said...

It's not fair, is it? I got Catherine's baby pics out - I just wanted to know how much Madeleine looked like her - but I haven't been brave enough to do the videos! I know what you mean - sometimes it does all feel a bit surreal. I think it is because the unbearable pain has passed, and there is joy again in our lives xx

Ashley said...

Know these feelings. I haven't been able to watch my son's videos in awhile. it's just to hard.

Thinking of you!!

Natasha said...

Oh Tiff I know that had to be tough. Remembering them is so hard but it's like you said- sometimes you just need to remind yourself he was real. Although I know it hurts I'm so glad you have the videos to remember him with. Sending all my love friend ♥

Heather said...

Hi Tiffany,

Just wanted to let you know I'm always thinking of you and JuJu! I'm so thankful you have a beautiful rainbow baby girl to help brighten your days though I know just how bittersweet that is as well. ((hugs))! Whenever I kiss my daughter, I give her extra kisses for her brothers.

I started a blog (finally) if you'd like to follow me. I've been struggling with my writing since Eli's death 5 months ago (at 4 days old). I still can't believe I have two sons in that cemetery now. I never truly dreamed Wyatt would one day have a brother joining him there.

www.heatheringthestorm.blogspot.com

Just thought I'd say hello since it's been a while - been so lost in my own grief again.

I haven't been able to watch Eli's videos yet either. I watched one about a week after he died and it was amazing to hear him cry and grunt again, but I can't bring myself to watch them just yet... Huge ((HUGS))

Debo said...

Tiffany,

Sending you a Hugs and Kisses....

Thank you for continued strength to write......

Though baby girl sat there oblivious...you were still making precious memories...

Love you & miss you...

debo

Rhiannon said...

He was certainly not a dream. He was and is real and he was perfect. I love that you have videos to show baby girl as she gets older so that she can "know" her big brother. You are a beautiful momma to both of your sweet babies. I wish Juju could be here with you 3, too. Big hugs.

NewYearMum said...

My heart goes out to you... every day must be so hard without him. Your little girl will come to know her big brother through you... and feel your love for him and her everyday xoxo

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