those left behind & prayer request

last night a dear friend messaged me to share a tragic story of a family near her hometown. this girl went to pick her 15 month old son up from her parents house, and on her way home with him, their car was hit by a car coming from the opposite direction. the girl passed away at the scene, and her son shortly afterward. leaving her husband, the father of her baby boy, all alone.

my heart just broke. but i was surprised for who it broke more for this time. i was devastated for her husband. i was crushed for him...the one left behind. before i became someone left behind myself, whenever i would hear a tragic story, my heart broke for the person/people that had passed away. it made me so sad that someone else had left this world. that they would no longer get to enjoy everything that life had to offer them, the happiness, the stuff, the people. although, of course i realized that those that had just lost a loved one would be sad {as i had been every time someone i loved passed away - which up until that point had only been my grandparents, and my uncle}, my thoughts/prayers always seemed to be with the one(s) that had died.

but now things are different. i have lost someone so close to me that i have literally lost part of myself - my child. i have joined the ranks of those left behind. and when you go through such a profound, life-changing loss like the loss of a child, your whole perspective on life and death is drastically altered {as i blogged about here}. it goes without saying that i think about my baby boy constantly. i miss him more and more every second of every.single.day. i love him more at this very second, than i have ever loved him {or ever loved anyone for that matter}. and though it breaks me down to the core that i don't have him here with me on this side. i know, deep down, that he is alright. he is not suffering. he is not crying, or needing anything {unfortunately for me, not even his momma}. he is fine.

i am the one that is not fine. i am the one that is suffering, that is crying, that is needing {him}. i am the one that is broken. we, the ones left behind, now have the grueling task of trying to make it in this world without the people we love. we have to learn how to function all over again. and what is really our motivation to do this? what is our motivation to continue on with life? in this life we are guaranteed more suffering. yes, i realize that losing a child is probably one of the worst suffering a person can face, and i've already been there. but i know i will face more disappointment, more heartache, more pain while i'm here.

hope and faith are the only things that any of us left behind have. hope that one day we will experience more than just merely existing. hope that one day we will actually want to continue to live, continue to enjoy everything that life has to offer us. faith that there is someone out there, watching over us that does see the pain that we are in, that does care, and that is helping us along the way. but for those of us left behind, those two words can sometimes seem like just that...words. even though i struggle daily to put one foot in front of the other, though i struggle at times to make it to the next moment and breath, i still continue to do so. and i truly believe at this point that it's because of all of the prayers that have been said for us.

and so i ask all of you to please send a prayer up for this family. please ask whoever it is you believe in to give this now wifeless husband, and childless father the strength to make it, the strength to put one foot in front of the other, and to take one breath at a time, until he gets to a point where he is doing more than just merely existing...

****

Dearest Juju,
Tomorrow is your 5 month angelversary, and I still miss you so much it hurts. I am trying my hardest to make it in this world without you. I am trying my hardest to live the rest of my life in a way you would be proud of. But I want you to know that not a moment goes by that I don't think of you, or long to hold you, touch you and kiss you again. Today I officially booked my appointment to have my "Juju tattoo" done. I am so glad that I will have a piece of you with me forever. Please stay extra close to me the next few days as I get through yet another milestone day. I love you more than I ever have, but not more than I ever will. ♥
-Mommy

Death

before Julius passed away i considered myself a relatively happy person. i tended to focus on the positive in life. i was always smiling and laughing, and trying my best to get others to laugh. i hated to read about sad stories, or talk about things like death. i especially did not want to talk about the mortality of anyone close to me, even though i had to experience the death of 3 of my grandparents with whom i was close. i can even remember sticking my fingers in my ears, and screaming "la la la la" a few years ago when my parents tried to have a grown-up conversation with me and tell me about their "plans" when they pass away. the topic of death conjured up images of the grim reaper. it was scary, and sad - something that happened to older/sick people, and to other people.

and then Julius passed away...

i'm an entirely different person now. while i do still like to try and focus on the positive and laugh {though it is so difficult to do these days}, i am no longer afraid of death. in fact, i already feel like a part of me is dead, which is probably why i keep referring to myself before Julius' death in the past tense. now this is not to say that i wish to cause myself harm in any way. i do not. but i am at peace thinking that one day i will pass away. one day i will be reunited with my son. one day i will get to hold him again, and i will get to hear the laugh i've been so desperately longing to hear again. one day i will no longer have to keep track of time in "days/weeks/months/years since Julius was with me". and it brings me much comfort. Elizabeth Edwards once said,

"The consolation of losing a child is that you have less fear of death for yourself"

she hit the nail on the head. death is no longer scary. actually, now life has become scary. i am now acutely aware of the fact that one day everyone i love will no longer be here. one day i will feel more pain on top of the pain i'm already in. death doesn't just happen to older/sick people, and to other people. it has touched my life. and it can happen again. there are no guarantees in life. there is no "get out of jail free" pass that i can get because i've already experienced a deeply profound loss. that is what is scary. and all i can hope is that i am gone long before anyone else i love passes away.

the way i see it now, life is merely a "holding cell" while we await the start of our eternal life. a life where there is no more sadness, no more pain and suffering. a life where there is nothing but happiness, and it rains lemon drops and gum drops {ok, slight exaggeration, but you get the point}. but in the meantime, we have to experience the suffering and heartache {yes, we also get to experience joy and happiness, but these emotions haven't really been around much in the last 2 months}. this whole ordeal has made me question so many aspects of my life that i previously thought were important. it has made me re-prioritize certain things.

i am now determined to maximize the amount of happiness in my life, and cut out anything and anyone that brings me any kind of stress, drama, or sadness. if i'm going to make it through the rest of my life {however much longer i am sentenced to be on this earth without Juju}, i have to surround myself with people that i love and that love me. i have to do things that are meaningful and that bring me joy. nothing else matter - not money, not material things - nothing. we can't take any of that with us. the only thing we can take with us is the love in our hearts, and the experiences we had with the people that mattered the most. so that is what i plan to focus on from now until i get to be with my son again. and i am praying that this new focus makes life without Juju a little more bearable.