3 years

Dear Julius,

Tomorrow will mark your 3rd angelversary. I don't understand how its has been three years. It blows my mind. You are missed and loved just as much (if not more) now than you were then. The pain of losing you is just as intense. And you have never for one second been forgotten.

Tomorrow we will spend the day doing something as a family. Hopefully we will feel up to doing something a little fun in your honor - something that we wish we had been able to experience while you were alive. And since your legacy is about love, we will make sure that whatever we end up doing tomorrow we will do with love in our hearts.

The last few days have been really difficult for me, the days leading up to the 12th always are. Just remembering what we were doing 3 years ago and how drastically different our lives are is hard. I wish more than anything that you were here with us. We all miss you so very very much.

Please be close to me tomorrow. I will definitely need you help to get through this difficult day.

Loving you always and forever,
Mommy

i miss you

Dear Julius,

Baby boy, we miss and love you so deeply. Your little sister has been keeping us so busy, as I'm sure you know. You definitely sent us the perfect little girl. She is hilarious and constantly keeps us laughing. I know that you knew we needed someone exactly like her.

Last week Daddy's family came to visit your sister. It was nice that they came, but it was definitely a bittersweet feeling for us. The last time they came to visit was for your memorial service, and the time before that it was to meet you for the 1st (and only) time. Watching them play with and admire your sister brought us much joy and much sadness because we felt your absence so deeply. But of course, you were not forgotten. We get so much joy out of talking about you, and how different you and your sister are. I just know that if you were here you would be staring at her like "why is this chick so weird?"

We are so blessed that you and your sister decided to make us earthly parents again. We are cherishing every moment with her. I find myself kissing her like crazy (I'm surprised I haven't rubbed her skin raw with all the kisses, but I have to make sure I get in my kisses for me and you), and shoving my nose into her neck and inhaling the wonderful baby smell that I have missed so much. Most of the time I get a whiff of that sour milk smell that sometimes gets trapped in the neck rolls, but it makes me laugh and think of you (you taught Daddy and I that you have to definitely clean out those neck rolls).

The next couple of months will be emotionally difficult for us. We are headed towards your 2nd birthday, and your sister will also be the same age you were when you passed away that month. My anxiety levels are through the roof, and I know as the days draw closer, it will  only get worse. Please help me get through this, and please stay extra close to me during this time. I miss you more than words can say, we all do.

Loving you eternally,
Mommy

9+ Months and Giveaway

Dear Julius,

I miss you so much, Baby. I can't believe it's been over 9 months since I last held you, or gave you a kiss. You've been gone about as long as I carried you in my tummy. How is that possible? In some ways it still feels like it was just yesterday that we left the hospital without you. We miss you more and more each day. Daddy and I really haven't been doing much these days. We continue to struggle without you, but we continue the fight to survive. This weekend we went to watch the last Harry Potter movie. There was a scene in the movie that really saddened both of us. Needless to say, I ended up having a serious breakdown after the movie was over. I hate that it's so hard for me to do simple things like watch a movie with Daddy. I hate the fact that grief affects every single aspect of my life. I hate living without you. But I know that it's because of your love and support that I do.

Loving you forever and always,
Mommy

*****

today is august 1st which means the start of a new giveaway. this is perfect timing because ever since my breakdown this weekend after the HP movie, i've been in a funk. so doing this will help brighten my day, and help me focus on the good.

i'm really excited about this giveaway. the past few months i've been almost stalking this amazing artist and her work on FB. she sculpts such amazing pieces - it's hard for me to believe that a single human can be that talented! anyway, after months of eyeing her stuff, i decided it would be really great to have one of her pieces for a giveaway. the artist i'm referring to is Ms. D. Antonia Truesdale from The Midnight Orange.

the giveaway:
so this month's giveaway {for BLMs} is for a custom made butterfly baby mother's necklace.

via

via

here's the description from her etsy store:
"These baby butterfly necklaces are designed to lay heart to heart with momma. Their wings are translucent and when the light hits them the right way, their color glows against the chest.

***Please specify body color and wing color, and gem color in the notes to seller. For the body color, I need to know whether you want a light color or deep color (aka, light blue or deep blue). I will need to choose the wing species from what I have in stock, so it will be a tender surprise for you. I will match the gem to your color preferences but will need to choose the shape of the gem from what I have in stock.***

These are very tiny hand sculpted pendants that are just about an inch in length and will come with a starter chain that is 18 inches long and silver plated. You can upgrade your chain whenever you are ready."
 
how to enter:
to enter, just leave a comment with your preferences for body, wing, and gem color if you should be the winner. and for an extra entry, leave an additional comment telling me which piece{s} is your fav Midnight Orange piece{s}. personally, i have been fixated on this one. i will keep the giveaway open until midnight aug 11th, and then announce the winner on aug 12th {Juju's 10 month angelversary}. good luck! ♥

Happy 1st Birthday, Little Man!

Dearest Julius,

Today is your 1st birthday! Happy Birthday!

The month leading up to this day has been so hard, baby boy. I've been trying to figure out how to make it on your special day without you. The truth is, I don't want to celebrate this day without you. How am I supposed to do this without you? I want you here. I want you to smash a cake. I want you to stare at balloons and try to grab for them. I want you to smile your beautiful smile at us while we sing happy birthday to you. I want you to attempt to open your presents.But instead I get to make plans to keep me busy. I get to attempt to decorate a cake like your urn, and spend time in your garden. I get to donate the money I would have spent on your gifts to your memorial funds. I get to send your balloons up to heaven.

Daily I ask myself how this came to be my reality. I'm just not sure what fork in the road brought me to this place. Last year at this time labor with you was just beginning. We were at home dealing with contractions, not sure if we should go to the birth center, not sure if we would be coming home with our baby boy. Hours later you made your way into this world, the picture of perfection and health. You were already trying to lift your head hours after birthday, and were a pro at breastfeeding from the start. The second we saw you, we were in love deeper than we had ever been before.

We spent 4.5 months with you before we painfully had to part. And we've been in hell ever since. Trying to learn  how to function again without you has proven to be a very complicated thing. You became part of our beings from the moment you came into existence - our lives and purpose all wrapped up in you. So your absence has left us mere shells of the people we once were, aged several lifetimes over. I have fought every day for every step and breath I have taken. I have struggled without you, and still do.

And though I'm still angered by the fact that you are no longer here, that you no longer have the one thing you deserve the most - life, I have come to a point in my grief that I can say that I am more grateful than resentful. I am grateful to know you (and I do know you deeper than anyone else does). I am grateful for every single second we spent together. I am grateful that you refused a bottle, only wanting your momma. I'm grateful that you opened my eyes and my heart wider than they had ever been opened before. That you taught me how to love completely and unconditionally (even when death has separated us). That you showed me what is most important in life. That you brought me joy and happiness all of yours.

Because of this and all of the love we continue to share even though you are no longer here, today I will celebrate your all too short life. I will spend time in your garden with pride, I will send up balloons with joy in my heart, I will light candles and smile, I will bake your cake gladly. I will do it all for you because even though everyday without you is hell, May 30, 2010 will forever be the day that you came into our lives and changed us. It will always be the day that I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. So today will focus on how much your presence enhanced our life. Today will be about your presence, rather than the weight of your absence.

I love you so much Julius. We all miss you so much. Please shower us with your love today. Please stay extra close to us as we mark this huge milestone day without you. Know that we will never stop loving you or caring about you. It's just not possible, you are too important. You are part of us and not even death can take that away.

Loving you forever, my chunky monkey,
Mommy

Mother's Day without You

Dear Julius,

Today is Mother's Day. Last year around this time, Daddy and I were anxiously waiting your arrival. I remember commenting to him how unfair I thought it was that he was going to celebrate Father's Day a month later the "right" way - with a baby on Earth to father, while I was going to have to wait a whole year. Little did I know... I miss you so much. I wonder how it would feel to get kisses and hugs from an 11.5 month old. I wonder what you and Daddy would have done for me to help me celebrate this day. I wonder so much about what our life passed October 12th would have been like. Unfortunately we will never get to know.

Today has been very emotional. Instead of holding you close, I did some work in your garden. I painted your name on your memorial stone. And I finally put it in your garden. Daddy and I bought some nice solar lights yesterday, and I put those in place. Instead of chasing after you, I cleaned out the garage, and did some laundry. Instead of making sure that all of your needs were met, I cleaned our room. I made sure that your spot was nice and dust-free. I lit candles around the house. This is my life after you...parenting your memory.

But, Baby, even though I feel intense sadness and pain on this day, I have felt love. I've felt love from Daddy who made me breakfast in bed and gave me a card and my favorite B&J's ice cream. I've felt love from my parents and sister who called and wished me a gentle Mother's Day. I've felt love from my wonderful friends who have left such wonderful messages/emails/texts all day long telling me that they are thinking about me and praying for me. From the friends that brought me such sweet gifts and sent me flowers and cards. I even received a present for your 1st birthday {which is coming up in a few weeks} from Ellie's momma.

a present for your birthday

a journal and candles

just a few of the cards i received

flowers that were sent to me

a beautiful butterfly candle holder

Chunky Monkey, thank you so much for making me a mother. Thank you for making me a better person, for teaching me all about life, love, and sacrifice. You have changed me more than you could ever know. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, my greatest accomplishment. My only regret is that we didn't have more time together. But though our time was short, our bond is indestructible, because our love is far too great. I love you forever and always.    -Mommy

Wishing all mothers, especially my fellow BLM mothers a peaceful, gentle Mother's Day!


"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back ~ Erma Bombeck

Winner of Giveaway #4 & 6 Month Angelversary

wow, i can't believe that giveaway #4 has come to an end. can you believe that i actually forgot?? i forgot about the giveaway. i forgot today was his 6 month angelversary. i've been so consumed with figuring out how i'm going to get through his 1st birthday that i'm completely forgetting everything else. but i'm back on track, and ready to announce the winner.

and the winner of the keepsake remembrance necklace from LillyEllen Designs is comment #27

Our Journey {momma to precious Eden}!!!!



i'm so excited that you have won this necklace and now have an extra piece of jewelry to add to your armor. please send me an email with your selections and your address, and i'll get that submitted for you. just in case you have forgotten, here are the things you have to decide on:

"This solid sterling silver bar comes hand stamped with the names, dates, or words or your choosing. I can fit about 7 or 8 letters on each side. This bar necklace also includes a 3/4" sterling silver disc stamped as you wish and a freshwater pearl. A Sterling Silver Ball or rolo chain is included!"

i want to thank everyone that entered my giveaway. it really does bring me some comfort to be able to do a little something special for you ladies. i appreciate all of your love and support so much that i want to give back in any way i can. i just wish i could give a necklace away to everyone who entered.
 

****

 
Dear Juju,
 
Today is your 6 month angelversary. It's been 6 whole months since I last held you in my arms. It's been 6 whole months since I was complete. I miss you so much. I miss you with my entire being, with my soul. I've been trying hard to keep myself busy so I don't think about how much pain I'm in, but it never really works. I would give my very life to be with you again. Next month will be your 1st birthday. I'm already having a hard time dealing with it, so please stay extra close to me and help me get through this. Your love and your light are all I live for now.
 
Loving you forever,
Mommy

those left behind & prayer request

last night a dear friend messaged me to share a tragic story of a family near her hometown. this girl went to pick her 15 month old son up from her parents house, and on her way home with him, their car was hit by a car coming from the opposite direction. the girl passed away at the scene, and her son shortly afterward. leaving her husband, the father of her baby boy, all alone.

my heart just broke. but i was surprised for who it broke more for this time. i was devastated for her husband. i was crushed for him...the one left behind. before i became someone left behind myself, whenever i would hear a tragic story, my heart broke for the person/people that had passed away. it made me so sad that someone else had left this world. that they would no longer get to enjoy everything that life had to offer them, the happiness, the stuff, the people. although, of course i realized that those that had just lost a loved one would be sad {as i had been every time someone i loved passed away - which up until that point had only been my grandparents, and my uncle}, my thoughts/prayers always seemed to be with the one(s) that had died.

but now things are different. i have lost someone so close to me that i have literally lost part of myself - my child. i have joined the ranks of those left behind. and when you go through such a profound, life-changing loss like the loss of a child, your whole perspective on life and death is drastically altered {as i blogged about here}. it goes without saying that i think about my baby boy constantly. i miss him more and more every second of every.single.day. i love him more at this very second, than i have ever loved him {or ever loved anyone for that matter}. and though it breaks me down to the core that i don't have him here with me on this side. i know, deep down, that he is alright. he is not suffering. he is not crying, or needing anything {unfortunately for me, not even his momma}. he is fine.

i am the one that is not fine. i am the one that is suffering, that is crying, that is needing {him}. i am the one that is broken. we, the ones left behind, now have the grueling task of trying to make it in this world without the people we love. we have to learn how to function all over again. and what is really our motivation to do this? what is our motivation to continue on with life? in this life we are guaranteed more suffering. yes, i realize that losing a child is probably one of the worst suffering a person can face, and i've already been there. but i know i will face more disappointment, more heartache, more pain while i'm here.

hope and faith are the only things that any of us left behind have. hope that one day we will experience more than just merely existing. hope that one day we will actually want to continue to live, continue to enjoy everything that life has to offer us. faith that there is someone out there, watching over us that does see the pain that we are in, that does care, and that is helping us along the way. but for those of us left behind, those two words can sometimes seem like just that...words. even though i struggle daily to put one foot in front of the other, though i struggle at times to make it to the next moment and breath, i still continue to do so. and i truly believe at this point that it's because of all of the prayers that have been said for us.

and so i ask all of you to please send a prayer up for this family. please ask whoever it is you believe in to give this now wifeless husband, and childless father the strength to make it, the strength to put one foot in front of the other, and to take one breath at a time, until he gets to a point where he is doing more than just merely existing...

****

Dearest Juju,
Tomorrow is your 5 month angelversary, and I still miss you so much it hurts. I am trying my hardest to make it in this world without you. I am trying my hardest to live the rest of my life in a way you would be proud of. But I want you to know that not a moment goes by that I don't think of you, or long to hold you, touch you and kiss you again. Today I officially booked my appointment to have my "Juju tattoo" done. I am so glad that I will have a piece of you with me forever. Please stay extra close to me the next few days as I get through yet another milestone day. I love you more than I ever have, but not more than I ever will. ♥
-Mommy

missing him more and more each day...

i remember this pic like it was yesterday. he had just made his way into the world. we all got settled on the bed, and my midwives cleaned him off, swaddled him {which he never liked}, and placed him in my arms. it was an amazing feeling, and i remember just staring at him for the longest time in disbelief. it really didn't click until i had him in my arms. i mean, i knew i was pregnant {i had the tests to prove it}, and i felt someone in my tummy, but it wasn't until i saw his face that it made everything "real." yep, he was real, and he is mine. and though he's no longer here with us. the love still remains...

the very 1st pic my love ever took!

 

Juju, 
we miss and love you so very much. valentine's day is coming up, and we wish you were here to celebrate it with us. daddy and i weren't really big into that holiday anyway, but you would have changed that. you already changed us so much. your four month angelversary is coming up, please stay extra close to us this next week. we need your light and your strength. 
loving you always and forever, 
mommy

***************** 

and remember, if you have not yet entered the february giveaway, there is still 3 more days to do so. just go to this post for details and to enter. good luck!

i carry your heart in my heart

Dear Juju,

Baby boy, today is your three month angel-versary. I miss you more than words could ever say. I've had a really rough time lately, baby. A few people have told me that they experienced low points at around the 3 month mark. When I heard that, I didn't believe it. It didn't make sense to me, time should make things easier to deal with rather than harder. If only grief were that easy. But here I am, Juju. I've spent 3 months, 3 long, hard, dark months grieving you, and I find myself in the same despair I was in when I had to leave the hospital without you. It's so surreal to find myself in a position where time seems to have stopped and sped up simultaneously. My heart is stuck in October 12, 2010, but my body continues onward - going to work, going to the gym, going through the motions...

Julius, a few weeks after you passed away, I decided to buy a necklace to remember you by. I bought a similar one for Tia Rebecca when she lost her baby girl, Lily, and so I had to get one for you. The quote that is engraved on it is "I carry your heart in my heart." I'm not sure where I initially heard that quote, baby, but I fell in love with it. And then when you passed away, it took on an even more powerful meaning as we had you put in a heart-shaped urn. This weekend, I discovered the EE Cummings poem that that quote came from. It is beautiful, and I want to share it with you.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

You are everything to me - my heart, my moon, my sun, my son. I'll love you and miss you forever. I carry your heart in my heart.

-Mommy

To purchase a similar necklace check out Lilly Ellen Designs

A Message from Daddy

Like scenes of a movie.
I look around at my life and I can see the moments I had with him. I walk by the changing table and see him looking up at me. I can see him on the bed looking like he is about to crawl. I can see him laughing as I make noises on his stomach. I can see that scared face he made when I gently threw him up in the air, and the ecstatic face he made when I caught him.

Like scenes of a movie.
I walk around the empty house and my empty life and can see short snippets of our life together. I see the short images like little movie trailers of a life that was taken away from me. I also see images I never experienced, his first walk, his first word, our first joke on mommy. I know they are not real, the uncreated sequel, but yet I see them. They last just long enough to make me want to see that movie, to miss that life, but then disappear.

Like scenes of a movie.
You can still see and feel the special moments as I walk through the empty set after the cast was sent home. There is nothing left, just the memory of what took place. You can pick up a blanket and see the scenes where it existed. I can see when my son held it, when he had it in his mouth, when it covered him as he slept.

Like scenes of a movie.
The visions are not as clear as before. The world moves on, everyone else is on to the newest movie. I know that I myself have to move on, my movie is not done. However, I will never forget the short movie that Julius made with me; it is and forever will be my greatest experience, my favorite.

I love and miss you, Julius.

~Daddy

Merry Christmas, Baby Boy...

Dear Julius,
Merry Christmas, Baby. Today would have been your first Christmas with us, but instead you are in Heaven. It makes me so mad that we didn't even have you long enough for you to experience Christmas with us. On top of that, today is the first time since Daddy and I have lived here that it has snowed really hard. Something else that you didn't get a chance to experience. I think you would have really liked snow.

We miss you so much. It's just not right that we have to carry on without you. Why does it have to be this way? This is absolutely torturous.

Yesterday we lit a candle for you all day. It made me feel as though you were nearby. We will light a candle for you today too. And yesterday we got a few "Juju signs." My godfather and his family sent us a gorgeous angel figurine which is now sitting next to you on our dresser. Then a friend of mine sent me a picture of your name and the candle she lit for you.

"Angels are always near to those who are grieving. To whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hands of God"

Thank you, Christena!

I love to see your name written, Juju. The funny thing is that even though I picked your name years ago when Daddy and I were just talking about having a family in the future {your mommy is definitely a planner}, I was hesitant to agree to that name for you. I wanted your name to be perfect, so I spent almost my whole pregnancy thinking of names. Daddy just wouldn't let the name "Julius" go. He even started calling you that when we found out that you were a boy, which irritated me so much. But the name stuck, and once we decided on a first and middle name for you, we kept it a secret from everyone until you were born. The name fit you perfectly, just like you fit us perfectly. And now I love to hear it, and see it written. It means that people are thinking of you, and it's a little sign to me that you are ok.

Baby, I hope you are enjoying your first Christmas in Heaven. Ours is definitely not the same without you. We miss and love you so very much.

-Mommy

2 months of pure hell...

My dearest Juju,

I've been without you for 2 whole months. I've gone 2 months without kissing your chubby cheeks, without hugging you, without feeding you. But I haven't gone a second of these 2 months without thinking about you, and loving you. To say "I miss you" is an understatement. I long to see you, and to hold you in my arms again. It's weird that my empty arms actually feel heavier without you in them. I long to hear you laugh. I long to bathe you. I am just so lonely and so lost without you. I want to be with you again. I want you to come back so we can be a happy family again. I don't understand why you had to leave - why my baby had to leave. I absolutely hate the fact that I have to continue on in this world without you. Nothing makes sense anymore without you. Yet I am forced to carry on.

Baby tonight we will be taking part in a candle lighting to remember you. Our family and friends will be joining us and lighting candles for you too. I hope that you are able to see the light from all of the candles where ever you are. I hope you know that there are so many people in addition to your Daddy and I that are constantly thinking about you, and that love you. I wish with every part of me that you were here to see just how many people love and care for you, Baby. You are a very loved little boy. And I know that you will never be forgotten.ever.

I love you, baby boy, and I miss you so very much,
Mommy

10.11.10

Happy 6 month birthday, baby boy!

Dear Julius,

Happy 6 month birthday! It just hurts my heart so much that you are not here to celebrate. I should be putting a sticker on your onesie and taking a picture of you in the glider. I should be updating everyone on all of the cool things you can do. I should be in complete amazement at the fact that I have a 6 month old baby boy. But instead of you in the glider, there is a stack of sympathy cards. Instead of updating everyone on your developmental progress, I'm talking about trying to adjust to life without you. Instead of being amazed about having a 6 month old, I'm in shock that I didn't even get 6 full months with you. The last month and a half has been the worst time of my life. Adjusting to life without you has been physically and emotionally painful. I've struggled with every step and breath I have taken since the afternoon of October 12th. It hurts that I will never get to know what you would have looked like as a 6 month old. Would you have looked more like Daddy or me? How much more poofy would your frohawk have gotten? Would any of the teeth that had been bothering you finally be breaking through? I will never know. Time has stopped and you will always be 4.5 months old to me. I don't just grieve your loss; I grieve our future together. But know that even though you are not here, we will continue to celebrate you and your life. I will continue to talk about you with others, and think about you every.second.of.every.day. You ARE my child - now and forever. And until the day when we are reunited and I can hold you in my arms again; I will have to take solace in the fact that you and your memory will live on forever in my heart and mind. The bond that we have not even death can break. I miss and love you, Juju, so very very much.

-Mommy