what NOT to say to a bereaved parent...

"I am so glad that God chose to give me healthy children because I could not handle that"

for the love of all that is holy, please please please never say THAT!! for the record, no one said this to me, but it was said to a very close friend of mine who is also a BLM. i'm livid for her. and i'm livid for anyone else who might have ever heard something to this effect.

we did not ask for this reality! we were not give this hand in life because we could "handle" it. and it's beyond upsetting to hear otherwise. while we certainly don't want anyone else to have to deal with the pain of losing a child. it's really hurtful and thoughtless to have the good fortune of others rubbed in the face of a grieving mother. it's like adding salt to the gapping hole in our hearts.

unfortunately this is just another reason that i avoid people who do not know our story, and new social situations. i really wish that everyone was required to read a manual on how to deal with bereaved families and what to/not to say to them. it would certainly cut down on some of the unnecessary heartache. :(

healing words

as a bereaved mother everything takes on a new meaning.everything. even though D and i were not big into valentine's day before, it was very sad for us because it was our first valentine's day without our baby boy. and i have a feeling that other holidays/special days {even those we didn't really celebrate} will be twinged with pain and the weight of Julius' absence. but as i was checking my friends' blogs that day, i found words that spoke to me, touched my heart, and brought me some comfort {and laughter}.

my sweet friend, brooke {momma to Eliza}, posted a quote that a blogger she follows had written that touched her heart. and when i read it, i was rendered speechless. it summed up everything i had been feeling, and given the day, was completely fitting. it was:

"My heart panics, but when it catches up with reality, everything becomes clear: she is still with me, she is still gone. No more, no less. Wherever I put my heart and my energy now, it is because of her and what she has made me. She can’t possibly be left behind."

it is a synopsis of my life since october 12th. i celebrate Julius' short, full life with us; but i deeply mourn his absence...everyday. it is for him and D that i continue to breathe. it is because of him and what he has taught me that i reach out to others. he cannot and will not be left behind. and that fact itself brings me some comfort and healing.

i then wandered over to another dear friend's blog {susan, momma to Catherine}, and found reading her words to be a very cathartic experience. she summarized her post so well in her opening paragraph: 

My friend suggested the other day that I am touchy. So I have been pondering whether her assessment is justified. Certainly I leave many more conversations feeling hurt and offended than ever before. Perhaps it is fair to say that I need to be treated with kid gloves. I am traumatised, laid low. Yet, I have given the matter a lot of thought, and I rather suspect that the issue is more complex than that. I think it is a matter of expectations; for me, the world has great expectations – bereaved parents should “move on”, “shut up” – “after all it has been so long!” Whilst inversely, the world at large is all too forgiving of the tactless, thoughtless and gauche who surround us in their droves. After all, “they mean well – they just don’t know what to say”.

it's true. i find that society as a whole tends to be more forgiving of those that "put their foot in their mouths" rather than the ones grieving. i have also found that even in *my* grief, i tend to make excuses for the silly things people say/do because "they just don't get it." which brings me to this morning, when i received an email from someone asking me to help out and join her cause relating to babies and birth. i felt the wind being knocked out of me while reading that email. and i immediately deleted it after i had read it. but then i thought to myself "why should i suffer in silence? why should i be so forgiving of this email faux pas while my heart is hurting?" {even moreso at that point}.

i thought about susan's post. and i decided that i was going to stick up for myself, and my grief. i was going to do something so outside of my comfort zone because i HAD to. so i replied to the email, and i asked her to please remove me from her emailing list because i found it "hurtful" to receive an email of that nature when my child had recently passed away. and i pressed send. and then of course, in typical tiffany fashion i started to second guess myself..."did i do the right thing?" "did i come across too harsh?" "i hope i didn't hurt her feelings." it took a second for me to snap out of it, and to remind myself that i had done nothing wrong. i am a grieving mother, who is in constant pain from losing her child. i do not need to read emails like the one i was sent this morning to remind me of what i have lost. don't get me wrong, i don't think the email was sent to me out of malice at all {as a matter of fact, i have always thought very highly of the woman who sent it}, and in any other circumstance, i would be more than willing to help out. but this tiffany, this newly changed, grieving tiffany can not. and this grieving tiffany must let people know from now on when they are causing {even unintentionally} extra pain. i have to admit, it felt good to send that email. so thank you, susan, for giving me the strength to stand up for myself and my grief. i'm not sure i would have done it had i not read your post.

i also wanted to take time to talk about the progress i've been making with collecting journals for

as of yesterday, i have collected 16 journals to send off to franchesca! thank you to everyone that has donated a journal(s)! i also took some time this weekend to create the stickers that we will place inside the journals before we send them off.

the sticker reads: this journal has been donated in honor and memory of Julius Luciano (05.30.10-10.12.10)

i am constantly amazed at the generosity and the loving nature of the people around me. thank you all for your continued love and support. that is what is currently sustaining me during the absolute worst time of my life.

and a big thank you to my friend, deanna, who made a special valentine for my baby boy which brought me to tears last night.

around the heart which has his name on it, it says:

"As long as I live, you will be remembered.

As long as I live, you will be loved.

As long as I live, you will live."

that says it all.

Grieving Mother's Assistant for realsies

as each day passes i am more and more convinced that i need, as tiffany described, a "grieving mother's assistant" {GMA}, or at least a tattoo on my forehead that says, "don't ask me about my baby. seriously. don't." time heals all wounds? that's crap. it will be 4 months since i lost Julius tomorrow and the gapping Juju-shaped hole is still just as big. time heals? well in 4 months it still hasn't gotten any easier to deal with the awkwardly painful question "how is your baby?" which is what i found myself dealing with AGAIN yesterday. and the only reason that i feel i survived that question last night is because a dear friend was standing next to me, and absorbed some of that fatal blow. i'm actually pretty sure i heard the exact moment that her heart broke {thank you for being there my sweet jane}.

4 months, and it still hasn't gotten any easier to deal with the silly things people say even though they mean well. "you know you can always have another baby, right?" yes, i know {or at least i pray and beg and hope} that i can  have more children. but that doesn't mean that it hurts any less that i have lost my son, Julius. one does not replace another. Julius is gone forever from this world, from me. so, i'm sorry, but telling me that i can have more children really does not help my aching heart at this moment. and furthermore {you know i'm ticked when i start using words like "furthermore"}, it's shocking that someone can make such a bold statement like that to me. how does anyone know that i'm going to go on to have more children. no one knows that. people may truly want me to go on and have more children. they may feel like i deserve to have more children and be happy again, but they don't KNOW that i'm going to have more children. so making blanket statements about my ability to bear children in the future really really does not help. especially when i already feel betrayed by God and the universe.

yes, i really do think that i need a GMA/tattoo/note cards or something. and while i'm somehow mangaging to alert people that they shouldn't ask me how my baby is doing, i should also pass out cards about what to/not to say to a grieving mother.

this is one of my fav pics of him. he was a boy of many faces!