Grieving Mother's Assistant for realsies

as each day passes i am more and more convinced that i need, as tiffany described, a "grieving mother's assistant" {GMA}, or at least a tattoo on my forehead that says, "don't ask me about my baby. seriously. don't." time heals all wounds? that's crap. it will be 4 months since i lost Julius tomorrow and the gapping Juju-shaped hole is still just as big. time heals? well in 4 months it still hasn't gotten any easier to deal with the awkwardly painful question "how is your baby?" which is what i found myself dealing with AGAIN yesterday. and the only reason that i feel i survived that question last night is because a dear friend was standing next to me, and absorbed some of that fatal blow. i'm actually pretty sure i heard the exact moment that her heart broke {thank you for being there my sweet jane}.

4 months, and it still hasn't gotten any easier to deal with the silly things people say even though they mean well. "you know you can always have another baby, right?" yes, i know {or at least i pray and beg and hope} that i can  have more children. but that doesn't mean that it hurts any less that i have lost my son, Julius. one does not replace another. Julius is gone forever from this world, from me. so, i'm sorry, but telling me that i can have more children really does not help my aching heart at this moment. and furthermore {you know i'm ticked when i start using words like "furthermore"}, it's shocking that someone can make such a bold statement like that to me. how does anyone know that i'm going to go on to have more children. no one knows that. people may truly want me to go on and have more children. they may feel like i deserve to have more children and be happy again, but they don't KNOW that i'm going to have more children. so making blanket statements about my ability to bear children in the future really really does not help. especially when i already feel betrayed by God and the universe.

yes, i really do think that i need a GMA/tattoo/note cards or something. and while i'm somehow mangaging to alert people that they shouldn't ask me how my baby is doing, i should also pass out cards about what to/not to say to a grieving mother.

this is one of my fav pics of him. he was a boy of many faces!

missing him more and more each day...

i remember this pic like it was yesterday. he had just made his way into the world. we all got settled on the bed, and my midwives cleaned him off, swaddled him {which he never liked}, and placed him in my arms. it was an amazing feeling, and i remember just staring at him for the longest time in disbelief. it really didn't click until i had him in my arms. i mean, i knew i was pregnant {i had the tests to prove it}, and i felt someone in my tummy, but it wasn't until i saw his face that it made everything "real." yep, he was real, and he is mine. and though he's no longer here with us. the love still remains...

the very 1st pic my love ever took!

 

Juju, 
we miss and love you so very much. valentine's day is coming up, and we wish you were here to celebrate it with us. daddy and i weren't really big into that holiday anyway, but you would have changed that. you already changed us so much. your four month angelversary is coming up, please stay extra close to us this next week. we need your light and your strength. 
loving you always and forever, 
mommy

***************** 

and remember, if you have not yet entered the february giveaway, there is still 3 more days to do so. just go to this post for details and to enter. good luck!

Change

change has been the overwhelming theme of the last couple of weeks. i've recently heard it said that a change comes about in a person's life out of "inspiration or desperation." i think we all know which of the two i'm operating under {it's desperation, for those that want to give me too much credit}. and as if someone is trying to drive the message home to me, i found this quote on the blog Honoring our Angels: "in this life we will encounter hurts and trials that we will not be able to change; we are just going to have to allow them to change us." i don't know where life is going to take me, and this has done nothing but terrify me. i hate change, i hate the unknown, and my heart and mind have been clinging to every "constant" they can. but the thing is, it doesn't seem to be working for me. at all.

sunday i really started feeling as though change is coming. it's not a physical change {i've already gone through that painful change}, but more of an internal change, like i'm starting to morph into someone else. it's really hard to describe. and usually when i feel overwhelmed, i clean. and that's what i did. i cleaned up/out several aspects of my life. i got rid of books on my bookshelf that were just taunting me by being in my house {"the discipline book," - pretty presumptuous of me, eh? "the BABY SLEEP book" - seriously???}. i cleaned out my nightstand and moved some of his things to a storage bin. i cleaned up my facebook friends list {don't know why i felt the strong urge to do that one, but i did}. i cleaned some things out of the garage, and made a pile to give other things away {like the 2 guinea pig cages i was saving for Juju's 1st and 2nd piggies}. i removed all of the outlet protectors that i put up shortly after i found out i was pregnant {again, pretty presumptuous of me}. for some reason, i just feel like i have to "shed weight" in my life in order to move forward toward my new life. my new life of being a grieving mother and...

right, the rest hasn't been filled in yet. the rest is still "to be determined." and though i hate {and will always hate} that i'm being forced to wait and find out what life has in store for me. i'm being forced to relinquish control of my life {or the control i thought i had}. i'm trying hard to be open to it, and accept where life is taking me {which is definitely not to be confused with accepting what has happened}. i'm trying hard to be thankful for the experiences i've had. to say, "you know what? though i want nothing more than to be an earthly mom again and NOW, if i don't get that chance ever, well, Julius was absolutely perfect, and i'm so blessed that i had the chance to grow, birth, know and love him" {most of the time i take the opposite approach of throwing a temper tantrum because he was ripped from my arms}. i'm trying hard to grow with life, instead of against it. hopefully, with Juju by my side, i can - little by little.

even after spitting up, he still knew how to work a camera!

Birdie Lips

Juju used to do what we so affectionately called "birdie lips". at first it started, in my opinion, as his way to alert us that he was hungry {of course he was always hungry, so that might have been just a coincidence}. but then he started doing it all the time. it was so adorable, but i was starting to get confused as to what he wanted because he would do it right before i fed him, right after i fed him, and lots in between. it didn't help that he wouldn't take a pacifier either. silly boy! i'm desperately missing those birdie lips today. :'(

 

  

Sharing my love...

at some point shortly after rebecca lost Lily, i decided that i was going to start taking pics of Juju daily. i was determined to cherish every.single.second with him since i had just witnessed through rebecca how quickly and unexpectedly life can change. and i'm so glad that i did that. {i guess you could say that Lily made me a better mother. thank you, Lily.} because of the daily pics, i have close to 300 pics of him on my phone. he was such a squirmy little boy, so i always ended up taking like 10 pics just to get 1 good one. i really only posted a fraction of the pics that i took of him. sometimes when i'm feeling "strong" i pull up the pics on my phone, and go through them. i did that this morning, and as i stared at this pic and cried, i decided that i would share a new pic of him each day until valentine's day. this is me, sharing my love, with all of you...

such a goofball, like his momma!

also, if you haven't yet already done so, check out the february giveaway for a blog makeover sponsored by franchesca of small bird studio. the giveaway will stay open until midnight on feb 13th, and the winner will be announced on valentine's day. good luck!

PotD: 4 months old

you can see J at months 1-3 here.

PotD: Not so little anymore

here is a comparison of J in the baby carrier on...

6.26.10

today (9.21.10)

i can't believe how big he is now. i remember when he wasn't big enough for his legs to hang out of the carrier. wow!

PotD: It's Monday & 16 wk status!

the last week has been a bit busy for us. last week Ms. C went out of town for a wedding, so i took of a couple of days to stay with J, and then D took fri. we had a ton of fun hanging out and spending time with each other. i was sad that i had to get up this morning to go to work, and drop him off again.

so here's what has been going on with J:

• he's over 17lbs now and is in 6-9 mo clothes! yikes!
• he had his 1st fever on sept 10-11. we took him to the doc for some shots, and he got the fever in reaction to that. it was so sad to watch him - he was pitiful/miserable. and it was very scary for both D and myself, even though it is a common reaction. we just weren't mentally prepared to deal with it. but we definitely are now!
• J is a pro at rolling over, and now prefers to spend most of his time on his tummy looking at the world right side up.
• talk about chatter-box! he is so chatty these days. it's like he's telling us stories. and he's also learned to yell/screech, which is terrible for my eardrums when i'm holding him.
• he *still* will not drink from a bottle! :) and i now have a standing lunch date with him every week day. he's also reversed his cycles so that he nurses every 1.5-2 hrs at night and not so much during the day. lovely!
• he is trying *so* hard to crawl. when he is on his tummy, he will push himself up high with his hands, and try to get his feet under him. he's so determined, but he hasn't quite figured it out yet.
• J is getting so much better at laughing. he doesn't do it consistently, but it's definitely a more frequent occurance.

Catching up...

sunday (9.19.10) tuckered out @ the Botanical Gardens

fri (9.17.10)

thurs (9.16.10) being a squirmy little boy

wed (9.15.10)

stupid camera phone, and P(s)otD

well, thurs the camera on my phone went dead. as in, green screen, and pics of said green screen dead. so since i couldn't take pics with my camera phone as i had been doing, i had to take pics with my fancy cam, but that means a wait time between taking them and uploading them to my computer/blog since i don't get on my laptop daily. so here are the pics from the last couple of days...

thurs (09.02) - i forgot the chair pic, but who can resist a pic of a sleeping baby?!

fri (09.03)

sat (09.04)

sun (09.05)

now the funny thing is that yesterday when i went to check the camera on my phone to make sure it was dead, it was working again as if nothing had ever happened. so i guess i can get back to taking pics with my phone.

Monday's PotD & Bonus pic

yesterday Ms. C took her little one and J out for a playdate with a few other moms and their little ones. one of the moms was kind enough to send me this pic she took of J sleeping. it's so nice to have momma friends that will keep me in the loop with what J is doing during the day. it makes me feel like i'm with him.

btw, yesterday was the 1st day that i didn't go to C's house (or she didn't bring him to my job) to feed him. she was able to get him to take a bit over 2oz by bottle. he had a bit of a rough patch around the time that i would usually go to her house, but we all made it through. hopefully he continues taking a little bit out of the bottle, and gets used to me not being there...we'll see!

we also made a stop yesterday at a local maternity store on the way home to weigh J. i had been worried this whole time that he was losing weight and withering away (yes, i'm a neurotic worrier), but he weighed in at 16lbs 11oz!!!!!!!! yes, he did have his diaper on, but i was pleased to see that he was up about 2lbs since he was weighed earlier this month at the doc's office. so that really helped to calm my fears about him not eating much during the day. and it also made me realize that soon i need to start looking into getting him a new carseat, since he is quickly reaching the weight limit on his infant carseat - yikes!

PotD: 3 months old...(almost)

well tomorrow my baby boy turns 3 months old. i just can't believe it's already been 3 months. since we have to work tomorrow, i decided to go ahead and take his monthly numbered onesie pics today. so here it is...

PotD: I love when he smiles

fri (8.27.10)

thurs (8.26.10)

P(s)otD/Wordless Wednesday

wed 8.25

tues 8.24

PotD: 12 wks old

J with his new toy sophie the giraffe

PotD: Up Close & Personal

PotD: TGIF Everyone!

As you can probably tell from the 2 pics, he likes to move around a lot (hence the blurry arms)! He's just so active these days!! :)

Thurs (8.19.10)

PotD and 11 wk status

well it's getting harder and harder to keep J still long enough to take a pic these days. he just keeps moving and squirming all over the place. it's hilarious, but i wish he would stay still long enough for me to get a really cute pic of him. and since we've been waking up at the crack of dawn these days, there's not much light in the room or outside and the pics look really dark (which also detract from his cuteness levels).

so what can J do now??

• he reaches out for things. for example, we have a little toy frog that dangles down on the handle of his car seat so that he can look up at it when he's in it. and he's started reaching out to touch it.
• he now makes a little sucking/clicking noise with his tongue/mouth to signal that he's hungry. it's so cute, that i usually just watch him do it, so eventually he does start crying because i'm not feeding him fast enough.
• he tries to eat his hands/suck his thumb to soothe himself when he is hungry/tired.
• it seems like he is trying really hard to roll over. if laid on his back he will turn the top of his body to the side and wiggle himself to try and get his body over.
• he still will not take a bottle. last week was his 1st week of daycare at my friend C's house, and the transition didn't go as smoothly as i hoped. he is not interested in a bottle at all. we've tried so many different bottles/nipples, sippy cups (thx for the suggestion, mackey!) and nothing. thurs he finally drank the contents of 1 whole bottle, but did not want to repeat the performance. C has had to syringe feed him, and even bring him by my job so that i could feed him. i'm not sure how we can get him to eat consistently throughout the day from the same source. :(
• he does amazingly well at social events. we had 2 weddings to go to within 2 weeks, and a birthday party. and at each event he behaved so well. he slept most of the time, but the time that he was up, he just looked around and observed things. and he loves to be held - no matter who it is (he especially loves when beautiful ladies hold him!).

eek, gotta catch up!

friday (8.13.10)

yesterday (8.14.10) i forgot to take a pic in the chair, but i did get a pic of him while we were giving him a bath. so i'll use that one as my PotD. i think we may have to find another method of giving him a bath since he is *quickly* outgrowing the sink! :)

sunday (8.15.10)

PotD: Back on the Grind!

well today is my 1st full week back at work, and J's 1st full week of daycare. it's so sad that i won't be there for all of his baby moments. but i know that will make the time we do spend together much more special. and i know that he is safe and in good hands, so that gives me some comfort.

so at 10 wks (and a day), here are some of the things that J can do:

• as of 8/3 he was 14lbs 12oz (with a diaper on, so skim a little off of that).
• he has become *very* talkative, and will just coo and blabber away like he's having a conversation with you.
• he LOVES to smile (except when you put a camera in his face of course), and he will now smile at you in response to you talking to him.
• i know he is *trying* to laugh. he opens his mouth really wide and sometimes makes a little noise, but nothing really comes out.
• he does very well at social functions and outtings. he's been to his baptism, several lunches, and a wedding, and has not had 1 meltdown.
• he can follow people things really well with his eyes.
• i think he recognizes D and i.
• he does really well when being held by people that he doesn't know
• he loves to look around and stare at things. it's like he's soaking everything in - he's so observant.
• and...he will NOT take a bottle! ;) yea all that work that i did to make sure that we well established BF-ing worked a little too well. so now we're trying to work on getting him to take a bottle (and i've bought almost every possible bottle/nipple i could) so that he will eat during the day when i'm away from him and he's at daycare.