so this guy walks into the elevator and says (i know this sounds like the start of a joke, but i assure you it's not), "you look so sad. you look like you just lost your best friend." my 1st thought was, "wow, is my face that readable." and then i thought, "yes you a$$hat, i am sad, i am miserable, i did lose my best friend. who the fark says things like that???!!!!" but i ended up just saying, "o, um, well, it's tuesday..." it's tuesday?? seriously. i've never really been good at making up things on the spot. but i definitely never thought i would have to have a retort to a comment like that.
anyway, based on my little story, i'm sure you wouldn't be surprised if i told you that these days i've been just downright pissed off. after spending much of my session yesterday with my counselor sobbing, i wasn't at all shocked when she said that i was experiencing a low point in my grief. it's been pretty apparent. i think it started a few days before father's day. D just happened to make a comment about how he wished they would stop playing father's day commercials, and it really just broke my heart, and opened my eyes a little to how much he is actually hurting (even though he doesn't often open up and tell me).
father's day came, and we ignored it. he requested that, and though i really didn't want to because i wanted him to know how amazing of a dad i think he is, i respected his wishes. but i think toward the end of the day, it all caught up with me, and i spent the last half of father's day crying, and just being overall angry. angry that it was yet another holiday that we had to bury our heads in the sand to get through. angry that there are millions of people out there that have the luxury of being oblivious to this pain (not that i wish it on anyone). angry that i no longer have that luxury. angry that i will never be complete - never. angry that my amazing child didn't get the chance to experience so much. angry that i have to find comfort in things like frogs, butterflies, etc to feel close to him instead of physically being close to him. angry that i have to stare at pictures to admire his perfection instead of just looking at him. angry that i'm still here, when he deserves life more than i do.... as you can see, i'm just angry right now.
but there has been some beauty and light to this week. yesterday a dear friend of mine had her precious rainbow baby. he was a bit early, but is healthy and beautiful. rainbows make me smile...rainbows give me hope.