Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Ticked Off...

so this guy walks into the elevator and says (i know this sounds like the start of a joke, but i assure you it's not), "you look so sad. you look like you just lost your best friend." my 1st thought was, "wow, is my face that readable." and then i thought,  "yes you a$$hat, i am sad, i am miserable, i did lose my best friend. who the fark says things like that???!!!!" but i ended up just saying, "o, um, well, it's tuesday..." it's tuesday?? seriously. i've never really been good at making up things on the spot. but i definitely never thought i would have to have a retort to a comment like that.

anyway, based on my little story, i'm sure you wouldn't be surprised if i told you that these days i've been just downright pissed off. after spending much of my session yesterday with my counselor sobbing, i wasn't at all shocked when she said that i was experiencing a low point in my grief. it's been pretty apparent. i think it started a few days before father's day. D just happened to make a comment about how he wished they would stop playing father's day commercials, and it really just broke my heart, and opened my eyes a little to how much he is actually hurting (even though he doesn't often open up and tell me).

father's day came, and we ignored it. he requested that, and though i really didn't want to because i wanted him to know how amazing of a dad i think he is, i respected his wishes. but i think toward the end of the day, it all caught up with me, and i spent the last half of father's day crying, and just being overall angry. angry that it was yet another holiday that we had to bury our heads in the sand to get through. angry that there are millions of people out there that have the luxury of being oblivious to this pain (not that i wish it on anyone). angry that i no longer have that luxury. angry that i will never be complete - never. angry that my amazing child didn't get the chance to experience so much. angry that i have to find comfort in things like frogs, butterflies, etc to feel close to him instead of physically being close to him. angry that i have to stare at pictures to admire his perfection instead of just looking at him. angry that i'm still here, when he deserves life more than i do.... as you can see, i'm just angry right now.

but there has been some beauty and light to this week. yesterday a dear friend of mine had her precious rainbow baby. he was a bit early, but is healthy and beautiful. rainbows make me smile...rainbows give me hope.

15 comments:

Deanna said...

I am so sorry that you are having these feelings. I hate when grief sneaks up on you. I read a post yesterday from a friend that described grief as a broken hip. It hurts a lot in the beginning, then after surgery it still hurts but more dull and as arthritis sets in (aka we age), it hurts but in a different way. Point being I wish we didn't have to go through this and learn to live with our "broken hips." Thoughts and prayers, remembering Juju always!!

Becky said...

Wow what an A$$ is right. Who asks things like that to random people they don't know, especially saying you look like you lost your best friend? Ugh1 Sorry to hear things haven't been going so well. Thinking of you always...

Mary said...

Wow...I don't think I could have held my tongue on that one. I'm sorry you're hitting a low point. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you. Just know that you are in my thoughts. Hugs to you momma!

Tiffany said...

oh tiff.... XXXXXX sending you love.

Holly said...

Hmpf! if only he knew....

ASHLEY ELDER said...

It is okay to be angry, I've been there and it still comes and goes. it is definitely NOT fair that anyone has to deal with this...you express your angry any way you want. Thinking of you...and yes, Rainbows give me hope as well, someday I will have more peace about what has happen but it doesn't come right away, learning that.

For Talya said...

I can really relate to your anger, Tiffany...Talya's birthday is tomorrow, and while I'm sadder than I can say, I'm also really furious at the universe that she is not here. I cried when I read your post...you, D, and Julius are in my thoughts and prayers...

Brooke said...

Seriously I kind of wish you'd told that guy exactly why you are angry and sad. Some people need to learn that there are times to say something and other times (like in an elevator with a stranger) when you should just shut the f*ck up. So sorry that your grief is dragging you down again. I'm glad to hear you're feeling some hope--a rainbow would do us all some good, wouldn't it?

Angie said...

What moron just walks up to a complete stranger and assumes the right to ask them something so personal?!

Kevin hated the father's Day commercials. Sunday was a horrible day for both of us, and we obviously weren't the only ones. I'm sorry you're stuck in a grief rut right now. I hate when those hit. I hope your spirits are lifted soon my friend. xo

Caroline said...

{{{HUGS}}} <3 <3

Natasha said...

Still can't believe this- makes me even madder than when you told me the first time. People are so not thoughtful sometimes and just suck in general.

I'm also horrible about coming up with things to say on the spot- I wish I was better at it. I always come up with great stuff about 15 minutes afterwards :)

Hope today is better for you......

xoxo

Tabatha said...

What a jerk... and to think he probably thought he was being clever! ugh! The vomit that spews out of people's mouths sometimes--most of the time, i will never understand it.

I'm sorry the anger is so strong.. J too had the same request on Father's day. we didn't acknowledge it.. just moved forward. i find myself getting angry these last few days.. like you said.. another holiday.. another reminder of what SHOULD be.. and the luxury of naive-ness that we no longer have..

so great to hear of the rainbow.. rainbows make me smile too :)

here's hoping for a better day for you sweet friend hugs!! xoxo

Susan said...

I think angry is good - it's only the anger that carries me most of the time. I think it probably just beats feeling helpless. xx

Alissa said...

You have the right to be angry. Allow those emotions to come and know that you have the right to express them. So sorry, hun. XXOO

Rhiannon said...

I am sorry that you are having a rough time, but anger is ok and most certainly healthy. You are entitled to feel how you want to feel always, no matter what jack asses in elevators say...what a moron! Thinking of you and your sweet boy. <3

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