at a crossroads...

it seems like a number of my blogger friends have posted about the topic of friendships recently. sometimes it's really strange to me how in sync (emotionally) i can be with people i've never met in person. the past couple of months i have been feeling the strong urge to re-re-evaluate my friendships and those that i let in my life. i've posted about this a couple of times throughout my grief journey. but as life continues to move forward, it is becoming more clear to me that the person i once was is never coming back. and because of that, some of the friendships i once held onto, i have to now let go of.

don't get me wrong, for the most part, i have been overwhelmed with support. and surprisingly a lot of the support came from those i least expected it. i know that death is scary to most people. i know that most people just don't know what to say to me or how to approach me. i remember so vividly being so scared to reach out to my friend, rebecca, for fear of upseting her after she lost Lily. but i did. i moved beyond my comfort zone to see how i could help her. and though it was scary for me at that time, i would have done it over and over because her friendship means that much to me. and so, even though i truly understand why some people have avoided me, and i don't hold it against them, i also have to do what is best for me, which is to remove these people from my life.

see the way i see it, if you can't be bothered to be there for me through, what i only hope is, the worst time of my life, well, then you can't be with me during the happier times either. one thing my son has taught me, is that life is too short to keep people around "just because." the quote "quality not quantity" has never taken on more meaning than now. i just haven't been able to shake the feeling that there are some people {especially on fb} that are keeping me around so that they can check out what i am doing/how i am coping. sometimes i feel like my life is "entertainment" for others, and with everything else that i am dealing with, i just cannot accept this right now. it was fine before i lost Julius, before i became a grieving mother. heck, i did it sometimes myself - friending people to see what they were up to. but i just can't anymore.

so i started the process a couple of weeks ago to remove some people from my friends list on fb and to make my profile more private. i struggled a lot with this. i discovered that some friendships i am still holding onto because of the memories i've had with these people. but in the end, i knew that i had to let go. and really up until last week i was really "content" just removing people from my fb.

but then on friday {Juju's angelversary of all freakin' days} i logged onto fb as normal, was checking in with friends, etc. and then it felt as though someone had sucker-punched me in the gut. i looked to the upper right corner of one page i landed on to see status updates for the same day last yr. that day i had posted 2 things about Julius: 1) that he started his morning off with a blowout {something he did regularly to get his day started - it was the cutest thing}, and 2) he had finally decided to try a bottle {that victory was actually short lived - he only wanted momma}. so on a day that i was already feeling down, fb helped to bring me further down.

i have been actively avoiding logging on through my computer since then because i just can't handle being constantly remind of how happy i was this time last yr. and with october fast approaching, and the thought of my status update on that fateful day, i just really can't go there. i never really considered deleting my account on fb until now. i, no doubt, have felt "hurt" by fb since Julius passed away. but it was nothing that hide, unfriend, or block couldn't take care of. but now it's different. i can't turn this off. and with all things i've been dealing with, i think it might be time to say good-bye.

i just never thought deleting my account on a website would be so hard...