Tuesday, August 16, 2011

at a crossroads...

it seems like a number of my blogger friends have posted about the topic of friendships recently. sometimes it's really strange to me how in sync (emotionally) i can be with people i've never met in person. the past couple of months i have been feeling the strong urge to re-re-evaluate my friendships and those that i let in my life. i've posted about this a couple of times throughout my grief journey. but as life continues to move forward, it is becoming more clear to me that the person i once was is never coming back. and because of that, some of the friendships i once held onto, i have to now let go of.

don't get me wrong, for the most part, i have been overwhelmed with support. and surprisingly a lot of the support came from those i least expected it. i know that death is scary to most people. i know that most people just don't know what to say to me or how to approach me. i remember so vividly being so scared to reach out to my friend, rebecca, for fear of upseting her after she lost Lily. but i did. i moved beyond my comfort zone to see how i could help her. and though it was scary for me at that time, i would have done it over and over because her friendship means that much to me. and so, even though i truly understand why some people have avoided me, and i don't hold it against them, i also have to do what is best for me, which is to remove these people from my life.

see the way i see it, if you can't be bothered to be there for me through, what i only hope is, the worst time of my life, well, then you can't be with me during the happier times either. one thing my son has taught me, is that life is too short to keep people around "just because." the quote "quality not quantity" has never taken on more meaning than now. i just haven't been able to shake the feeling that there are some people {especially on fb} that are keeping me around so that they can check out what i am doing/how i am coping. sometimes i feel like my life is "entertainment" for others, and with everything else that i am dealing with, i just cannot accept this right now. it was fine before i lost Julius, before i became a grieving mother. heck, i did it sometimes myself - friending people to see what they were up to. but i just can't anymore.

so i started the process a couple of weeks ago to remove some people from my friends list on fb and to make my profile more private. i struggled a lot with this. i discovered that some friendships i am still holding onto because of the memories i've had with these people. but in the end, i knew that i had to let go. and really up until last week i was really "content" just removing people from my fb.

but then on friday {Juju's angelversary of all freakin' days} i logged onto fb as normal, was checking in with friends, etc. and then it felt as though someone had sucker-punched me in the gut. i looked to the upper right corner of one page i landed on to see status updates for the same day last yr. that day i had posted 2 things about Julius: 1) that he started his morning off with a blowout {something he did regularly to get his day started - it was the cutest thing}, and 2) he had finally decided to try a bottle {that victory was actually short lived - he only wanted momma}. so on a day that i was already feeling down, fb helped to bring me further down.

i have been actively avoiding logging on through my computer since then because i just can't handle being constantly remind of how happy i was this time last yr. and with october fast approaching, and the thought of my status update on that fateful day, i just really can't go there. i never really considered deleting my account on fb until now. i, no doubt, have felt "hurt" by fb since Julius passed away. but it was nothing that hide, unfriend, or block couldn't take care of. but now it's different. i can't turn this off. and with all things i've been dealing with, i think it might be time to say good-bye.

i just never thought deleting my account on a website would be so hard...


Sarah said...

I can't imagine the journey you have gone through this past year. You are in my thoughts, prayers and heart daily. Do what you need to do for you - you can always come back to facebook when you feel ready.

Mary said...

Tiffany, I go that slap in the face this morning with FB. I had never noticed it before, until today. Mine said "Do I really only have 2 weeks left?! Hurry up little girl, I'm so ready to meet you!" I think I too need to avoid using FB on my computer.

As far as the friends go, I hear ya. I too, have seen so many of these posts and feel the same. So many people walked out of my life when she died. But the ones who have stayed are in it for the long haul, and I'm so glad to have them in my life. But, you're right...you have to do what is best for YOU.

Sending you lots of hugs!

Our Journey said...

I feel you on the fb thing...I am so done with it too. A few days ago I logged on it said "We are expecting! I'm due in January." then I proceeded to read the 50 plus comments people left on the status. Why did mine decide to back TWO years and remind me of that??? It was such a slap in the face and took the wind out of me. I spent most of the day feeling down and missing my baby girl. I definitely understand this. You and I have some hard months coming up and I am considering doing the same thing.
As for friends, I hope you know that I am always here. It's so hard figuring out who your true friends are, but please know that you are so loved. ((hugs))

Kelly said...

Well, you know how I feel about Facebook lately. It's really hard for me to delete cuz I'm away from all my family, and that's where I get most of my support. I've been removing people here and there, those that say nothing or I don't really talk to. To me, they're just being nosy. It's hard. I don't know why I hang on to people that I have no real connection with. As far as outside of Facebook, my closest friends back home have let me down, and I've found support in people I've never expected. It's really strange.

Brooke said...

It IS hard. It's like saying good bye to a version of yourself that you never wanted to lose, and that you're still trying desperately to hold on to. But here's the thing I'm trying to remember: the new version of me (the one not on fb) doesn't have to be worse than the old person. Sadder, of course, older, wiser, yada yada yada. But also the same in a lot of ways. Just more private. And less interested in what people are eating for lunch, how far they went on their run, or what hilarious stuff their kid just said.

Taking a break from FB doesn't have to last forever (you don't "delete" your account--you just "deactivate" it). So maybe give yourself a timeline if that would help--stay off fb until 2012, or until November, or whatever. Life is hard enough right now. A social networking website should not be making it harder.

LauraJane said...

I could not agree more with this.

Some people are just so good, you know? And others just not, at all, good. It's funny how friendships change, people drift in and out of your life, and that you have to let this happen.

I think there are people who just aren't built for this level of "real", and aren't prepared to talk about things which don't involve happy, living babies... And I hear you on the facebook thing.. I've cleared out a ton of "lurkers" so I don't have to worry about people reading me for entertainment purposes.


I completely understand what you are going through...friendships are hard enough but when people aren't there to support or show they care, in a time like this, then I guess they can't be there at all...exactly how I feel.

Not sure why FB is doing those recap moments...for some reason it shows me 2 years ago, and so its all about me finding out I am pregnant with my baby :( and how happy and excited we were...it is just a horrible thing that they have done. I don't blame you for deleting your account.

crystal said...

I am so sorry that you had to see that on facebook. You are so right there comes a time in our life where new people enter it and old ones leave. God puts people in our lives just when we need them the most. Praying for you and I hope your week gets better for you. Sending up extra prayers for you as October is approaching. It has been 4 years since I lost my baby and I still hurt.

Natasha said...

I f-ing HATE facebook sometimes. Ok a lot of times- ok almost all the time except when I am checking on family (only the ones I like- ha!), my BLM friends, and the few people IRL that I can still stand. Last night I was telling Nygel about what happened to you and he couldn't believe it. I told him I think I'm about to be done too. I cannot even imagine what lovely status update FB has in store for me.

I haven't figured out the best way to fix my love/hate relationship with FB yet but I kinda like your plan.

Love ya girl

Kristin said...

Totally get this Tiffany. Its like what we were all talking about at dinner a couple months ago, about feeling like were entertainment for some people ( I am always taken aback when people are like "ive never had a loss but I LOVE your blog! I'm addicted!")....WTF!?

I hate that status thing too. So stupid.

Love you.

SHANA said...

I really feel you on this one. I felt so hurt by FB after I lost my daughter. And I felt like a lot of people were only on my friends list to snoop. To see what I was going through or what type of entertainment or gossip I could be for them. I'm actually impressed you want to delete (or already did) your FB. There are still days I think I should do the same.

Post a Comment