Monday, August 8, 2011

Finality

some days i just can't even begin to process the finality of death. today is one of those days. i find myself staring at his pics on my desk at work trying to figure out 1) how that handsome little boy was the product of me and D {he's just abnormally cute, but i know that i'm bias}, and 2) why i will never get to see him again.

today also marks the beginning of school here, which means that summer is over, and very soon fall will begin. we are headed full force into october, and i'm absolutely terrified. that month has become the single worse month of the yr for me because of what it represents. a year? a whole year since i held him/kissed him/told him i loved him. i go back and forth between denial and the thought of planning something special for that day. everytime i start to think of what i could do, i get so overwhelmed with emotions, and shut down. so if anyone has any ideas, they would be much appreciated.

it's just so hard to comprehend how this is my reality now...

18 comments:

Kelly said...

Hugs to you. I'm having a hard time today, thinking of some of the same things. <3

brigette said...

Praying for you... The year mark is so hard!! We did a balloon release at the cemetery which was nice. Reality is hard and a year seems so final... Oct is the month kael passed to.. you will be in my heart abd thoughts!!

Rachel said...

I'm praying so hard for you!!

Angie said...

We kept it pretty simple. We went with my parents to the cemetery and released balloons, and I also got a butterfly cupcake cake, then we went out to dinner afterwards and hubby and I went through our memory box.
For me, even though the year mark was sad and hard, I found it wasn't *as* hard as I expected/dreaded. It was almost a bit of a relief, to have the first year finally over.

Caroline said...

Like some of the others mentioned, we did a balloon and butterfly release for the year marker (but it was also my son's birthday) so a little different situation. October will undoubtedly be a difficult month, but you are so much stronger than you realize - look how far you've come and I'm sure you never thought you could. But you can and you will and it's because that beautiful little boy of yours gave you strength and perseverance which you share with all of us on a regular basis.

Mary said...

We will get through that week together. Gage's birthday is the 13th. I can't believe he would be 3 years old. We can face it together, both days hard in their own ways. And you are right, Juju is extraordinarily cute:)

SHANA said...

First of all, he is abnormally cute. I love the wording and it is oh so true. I'm sorry you are struggling with the upcoming anniversary. I know there is no way to avoid it and it feels like it is headed at you like a freight train. I felt the same way, back and forth between dreading the day and also wanting to plan something in memory of my daughter. 2 1/2 years before we lost her, my big brother passed away. In memory of him my husband adopted a tree in my brothers name at a local park. So when we lost Addison we did the same for her (their trees happen to be right across from each other). So on her first birthday we invited a small group of family to come down there with us. Right near Addison's tree is a cute little picnic area with a nice stone BBQ area and tables. It's actually really nice. So we went there, had some lunch, visited and then left flowers at Addi's tree. My husband and I visited her grave after. We plan on keeping it a tradition and this year I'd like to release a bunch of balloons like we did at her funeral.
Another thing I wanted to say was that I really understand that feeling of "it's been _____ long since I've held you....". I do that a lot. And today I got on FB and saw that a friend had her baby almost 5 hours ago and the first thing that came to my mind was that's how much time I got with Addison. I realized it has almost been 5 hours and before I could even process it I was thinking, "imagine having to hand her off now and never hold her again". I hate that we have to relate so much to some length of time. I'm sorry.

ASHLEY ELDER said...

I hate that its final also, I desperately want to change the fact that my baby is gone but I can't. So sorry you are having a hard time right now, thinking of you and know (as I am dealing with it right now) how hard October will be and I will definitely be thinking and praying for peace and strength for you then! ((Hugs))

MrsH said...

I like the ritual of burning a candle until it is done, and spending that time with my husband thinking about him, talking about him, feeling close all of us together. Don't feel that you need to be different or act differently on that day, it is better to be yourself and let yourself find the best way that suits you. Whatever you do on any given month or day of the year will not change the fact that you are honouring him and remembering him and loving him every single day of your life.
PS. For some reason I am not big into balloons because I worry that a random bird will swallow one and suffocate (I mean after they burst and get stuck in a tree). I realize I am weird, but hey, I have three birds and I can tell you that they do eat strange things, like plastic and rubber. I digress. Hugs to you!

Tiffany said...

Oh tiff... hugs mama. I dont know that I have any advice. Im still trying to find my own way... If anything Id say do what your heart wants, and do what feels right for you. Even if that is a nice quiet evening in, thats ok.

Angie said...

Tiffany, October is gonna be a scary month for both of us!! I will be induced sometime on or before Halloween. That's just so insanely terrifying!!!

With Aiden's first birthday this weekend ((holy shit)) I asked a couple very close friends who I trust and love so dearly, to help Kevin and I plan a party. I told them straight up that I am far too overwhelmed and emotion to plan anything. Having them help us with Aiden's day has lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders.

Just go with what feels right for you and D. Do something small and simple or go all out and plan a big party with family and friends. Whatever is 'planned' just allow yourself to do whatever you want that day. Kevin and I are having a bonfire at the beach and are allowing ourselves to leave early if we need to. xo

Tiffany said...

Let's just skip October ok? I'll contact all the necessary people and let everyone know that October is out this year.
The permanence of our situation is sickening. I hate how it hits suddenly. Thinking of you my friend!

Missy said...

I wish you love and strength. I know how hard it was approaching that day and all the emotions that come with trying to plan and make things perfect. Whatever you decide, it will be for you and D to remember/honor your precious Juju and there will be many of us out here remembering him with you.

For Talya said...

Having just gone through the first anniversary of Talya's death, on July 28th (and being in Russia of all places at the time), I have so much empathy for your feelings of dread at October...I felt such an emotional burden for almost the entire month. That said, you and your husband will remember your sweet boy, and everyone who loves and cares about you -- even those of us who do not *know* you in person, who never met him, will be thinking of him, and you. We already are.

And it's been said, but it's worth repeating: you may be biased as his mama, but Julius? Abnormally cute is an understatement. I look at your photos of him here and he RADIATES sweetness and beauty and light--so much joy in such a little person, which he got from the love of his mommy and daddy. His beauty really just shines through in the photos. I never had the honor of meeting him, Tiffany, and I am so sad and sorry and angry that he's not physically here with you now, but when I look at those photos, and see those sweet cheeks and in that gorgeous smile, I smile with him. What a love, and what a life.

And if you want to skip October? I think you are well within your rights, Mama. I'm thinking of you.

LauraJane said...

For the record: Julius was definitely adorable. More so than most babes. And I'm objective (kinda-sorta).

I can't even wrap my brain around the 1 year mark. I'm not ready (don't know whether I ever will).

James A said...

When the year mark came of when my brother died, we prayed over the phone. We prayed for comfort and just for God to comfort us thru the painful reality that my brother was gone. We prayed for strength in dealing with the emotions that come with it all. It's good to know that we're not going thru it alone, and that God's very aware of what we're going thru and how to help us thru, even tho we can't see it in that way while going thru it.

Natasha said...

Seriously I think everyone will agree that Julius is super super adorable! Such a beautiful and happy smile. Love that :)

I'm with you and everyone else that skipping October is totally cool. I mean why not? Whatever you need I say we do it.

I don't have a lot of ideas {haven't even begun to think about what I'm going to do for Aiden's birthday in November} but if there is anything you would like Nygel and I to do to help you celebrate from here in Texas all you have to do is say the word. I know by October we'll come up with some special way to remember his amazing life.

Remembering him with you always........

Susan said...

We got through it by ignoring it, as best as we could. Both my husband and I went to work. The only thing we did was take handfuls of flowers up to her grave. April 13th is the bleakest day in the year for me now. I don't even like to have stuff in the fridge marked with a best before for that day. But Tiffany, you will survive it - you will. Xx

Post a Comment