Monday, September 26, 2011

received or taken?

i constantly struggle with my feelings toward God since Julius passed away. and i know i've blogged about it before. i most definitely had to reevaluate my feelings about the God i *thought* i knew/understood. the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People really helped me with that, but i would be lying if i said my feelings on the topic had been resolved. this weekend, though, as i was lounging around and catching up on some of the blogs that i follow, i read something that spoke to me.

i follow the blog of the sikes family, and the story of their perfectly adorable infant son, James, who they lost a few months ago to an aggressive brain tumor. and in one of the posts, James' mom was talking about how in one of her support groups, the facilitator said "that we all need to decide whether we believe that God 'took' our loved ones or whether God 'received' them." that one line really blew me away. it perfectly sums up the feelings i've been grappling with every second since oct 12th of last year. i know some have very unwavering faith that allow them to make peace with the death of their loved one without really questioning their god. and i wish that i could say that i was one of those people. but unfortunately, i'm not.

i don't think that God took Julius from me. i don't think that my amazing little boy was stolen from me because He needed an angel, or because He was trying to tell me/us something, or because it was all part of His plan. i think my Juji left us because he perfect little body failed him {something i've constantly begged my own body to do since that day, but to no avail}. how did it fail him exactly? we don't know. and that answer is something that we will work tirelessly to help find via amazing organizations that support SIDS/SUID research. but i do believe that God was there to receive him with open arms. i believe that He is holding my cuddly little boy until i'm reunited with him and can love on him myself. this is how i choose to see it. this is what brings me comfort {and i understand that it may be completely different from what brings comfort to others, and that is ok}. i'm just so thankful that i actually ran across this post, this line. and i thought i would share for those who also find themselves questioning their faith, their god.

in "lighter" news, i was inspired last week to summon my crafty side {which is almost non-existent} for a project for my boy. i was determined to make a memorial candle for him. i'm always lighting candles for him, especially on special occasions. but i wanted something that actually signified that it was for him {as opposed to just a random candle being lit, especially as the holidays are approaching}. so i did some "research" {read googling}, got some tips, and created this...

it's not perfect by any means. but i definitely think i get an A for effort, especially since i really do have NO creative side whatsoever. i'm going to try my hand at making a few more of these. i'd really like to perfect it, and make some for some of my local BLM friends for their little ones. i also decorated another votive candle holder while i was at it. you can see it in the pic below. it is a square candle holder, so on 2 sides i put the letter J, and on the other 2 sides i added a green butterfly.

the 2 candle holders in progress disregard the mini-cheese, it had nothing to do with the process
now if i could only do a ton of these to help distract me from the fact that oct 12th is coming, i would be golden... :(


Angie said...

I love it! You could make me one and I'll pay you to ship it and for the supplies and time, if you'd like to keep busy. :)

Also, I know what you mean. My friend and I were just having this discussion about God, too. It has been a topic I've been all over the place with my feelings on.

Erin said...

I so relate to what you are saying here! One of the things I really liked about WBTHTGP was how he explained that God doesn't change the rules of nature / the universe, such as suspending gravity for a child falling from an open window. My little girl's body failed, too. Her heart did not form correctly, and we don't know why.

brigette said...

Thanks for sharing this is beautiful!! I needed a perspective on the whole god thing and this really helps!! I love the candles! You did a great job!!


That candle just made me cry, how sweet! I want one :) You should post how to make one!

The God topic is a hard one - it has definitely shook my faith and I question things that I never had to struggle with before. Right now I struggle with trust...I don't exactly trust God with my heart again, afraid that it will get broken.

Thinking of you!!

Becky said...

I love it:)

Brooke said...

I love the idea of God receiving (and certainly not taking) our children.

I also like your crafty side. Are you on Pinterest? So much inspiration.

Caroline said...

Great job.
Such a beautiful post.
Always thinking of you so much & <3 Juju <3

Rhiannon said...

I know that the coming days are going to be so hard. :( Always thinking of you and your sweet boy <3

B. Wilson said...

I also read that book. I found it to be helpful because it's written from the perspective of someone who has lost a child, but I was also still questioning once the final page was read. I liked it. It made me think and consider... but didn't end this questioning.

My heart of hearts tells me that we should assume the best. Since our babies aren't here and we can't change that, we should therefore assume that of the two options (take/receive), we should select the more positive one. Nothing will change this reality, but at the very least, we'll be more content with this.

Easier said than done. I know that.

BBH said...

This was a good thing for me to read today. I've only had early losses, but I've been struggling with my faith lately. Thanks for posting.

Trena said...

That is so beautiful! I have tried so many times to bring out my "creative" side and I have come to terms is non existent! You my friend, have talent :)

Always thinking of you and Juju. Keeping you close to my heart and in my thoughts and prayers. Sending lots of love!

rebecca said...

Thank you for sharing that perspective on God receiving our babies, I'd never thought about it like that. Thinking of you so much as the 12th approaches, love you!

Deanna said...

I love the candle, and holder! so beautiful :)
I fought with my beliefs, until I realized that God allowed me time with River, he didn't take it away. Whether I had him for 6 days or 20 years, God gave me that time with him. He let me be a mother, and he allowed me to know the greatest love of all. I also like to believe that God received River in Heaven. I have a BIL that doesn't have any religion, and it has been a struggle for our family, because of that. I can't get over how cute Juju's candle is! <3

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