received or taken?

i constantly struggle with my feelings toward God since Julius passed away. and i know i've blogged about it before. i most definitely had to reevaluate my feelings about the God i *thought* i knew/understood. the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People really helped me with that, but i would be lying if i said my feelings on the topic had been resolved. this weekend, though, as i was lounging around and catching up on some of the blogs that i follow, i read something that spoke to me.

i follow the blog of the sikes family, and the story of their perfectly adorable infant son, James, who they lost a few months ago to an aggressive brain tumor. and in one of the posts, James' mom was talking about how in one of her support groups, the facilitator said "that we all need to decide whether we believe that God 'took' our loved ones or whether God 'received' them." that one line really blew me away. it perfectly sums up the feelings i've been grappling with every second since oct 12th of last year. i know some have very unwavering faith that allow them to make peace with the death of their loved one without really questioning their god. and i wish that i could say that i was one of those people. but unfortunately, i'm not.

i don't think that God took Julius from me. i don't think that my amazing little boy was stolen from me because He needed an angel, or because He was trying to tell me/us something, or because it was all part of His plan. i think my Juji left us because he perfect little body failed him {something i've constantly begged my own body to do since that day, but to no avail}. how did it fail him exactly? we don't know. and that answer is something that we will work tirelessly to help find via amazing organizations that support SIDS/SUID research. but i do believe that God was there to receive him with open arms. i believe that He is holding my cuddly little boy until i'm reunited with him and can love on him myself. this is how i choose to see it. this is what brings me comfort {and i understand that it may be completely different from what brings comfort to others, and that is ok}. i'm just so thankful that i actually ran across this post, this line. and i thought i would share for those who also find themselves questioning their faith, their god.

in "lighter" news, i was inspired last week to summon my crafty side {which is almost non-existent} for a project for my boy. i was determined to make a memorial candle for him. i'm always lighting candles for him, especially on special occasions. but i wanted something that actually signified that it was for him {as opposed to just a random candle being lit, especially as the holidays are approaching}. so i did some "research" {read googling}, got some tips, and created this...

it's not perfect by any means. but i definitely think i get an A for effort, especially since i really do have NO creative side whatsoever. i'm going to try my hand at making a few more of these. i'd really like to perfect it, and make some for some of my local BLM friends for their little ones. i also decorated another votive candle holder while i was at it. you can see it in the pic below. it is a square candle holder, so on 2 sides i put the letter J, and on the other 2 sides i added a green butterfly.

the 2 candle holders in progress disregard the mini-cheese, it had nothing to do with the process

now if i could only do a ton of these to help distract me from the fact that oct 12th is coming, i would be golden... :(