disassemble!

today is one of those days. 1 thing sets me off, and i spiral.
i miss my son. i wish he was here.
i hate grief. i feel defeated.
no matter what i do, he is still gone.
no matter how many times i get out of bed in the morning despite the urge not to, he is still gone.
grief wins over and over.
and i'm left here with this overwhelming urge to run around screaming "disassemble, disassemble!" at the top of my lungs like "number 5" from the movie "short circuit."
i wish i were a robot that could just be disassembled so that i didn't have to deal with this pain. but i can't become one.
grief wins yet again.

*******

don't forget to enter my last giveaway here. there are only a few more days left before a winner is chosen.

and finally, i was asked by someone for the link to my guest post and memorial candle tutorial over at Small Bird Studio's 12 days of christmas with you in heaven series. i'm not sure why i didn't post it before. silly me! if you missed it that day, you can find the actual post here.

i know this post is all over the place, and i'm sorry. it's how i feel today - all over the place.. :(

12 Days of Christmas with You in Heaven Guest Poster

so today is my turn to be a guest poster over at Small Bird Studios. fran created the "12 days of christmas with you in heaven" as a way to help grieving families honor their loved ones and cope with this difficult holiday season. i posted my tutorial on how to make the personalized memorial candle that i made for Julius. so go check it out! i hope that it was relatively easy to follow, but if not, just send me an email and i'll try to clarify.

i also revealed my last monthly Juju giveaway...

this month is all about giving, so in honor of that, i have chosen this month's giveaway to be a $25 donation to the charity of the winner's choice {but a real charity please, no one put in for the george costanza human fund ;) }. i have a few organizations that are very meaningful to us {CJ Foundation for SIDS, and First Candle just to name a few}, and i give to them every chance i get hoping that one day no one will have to lose a child this tragic way. but i know that there are other wonderful organizations out there that do so much for others, so i'd like to do a small part to help in honor of my son and the winner's loved one.

all you have to do is leave a comment with the name of the charity you would like me to donate to if you won. i will leave the giveaway open until the 17th and then announce the winner on the 18th {the week before christmas}. good luck!

Guest Poster

first let me start of by apologizing for being somewhat of a slacker for not posting the giveaway winner in a timely manner. i did pick the winner on the 11th {via random.org}, but i never got around to posting about it. the winner was ashley - comment #3! one more giveaway to go in my monthly giveaway project in honor of my baby boy. it's so strange that another year is coming to a close without him, especially when my love and adoration of him grow stronger with each passing day.

i am happy to say that i will be taking part in the "12 days of christmas with you in heaven" series that fran of small bird studios will be hosting on her blog. it will be a series of posts from other BLMs of tips, tutorials, giveaways, etc on ways to make it through the holiday season without our precious little ones.

i plan to prepare a tutorial on how to make the memorial candle i made for my munchkin.

i've made a couple more since then, so i think i'm getting to a point where i could explain in a relatively simple manner how to do it. it was very meaningful for me to do for him, and i'm hoping that others feel the same way. so be on the lookout for that! i will also be tying in my last giveaway with this post.

if any of you have something that you would like to share with other BLMs, head over to fran's blog to find out how you can participate.

received or taken?

i constantly struggle with my feelings toward God since Julius passed away. and i know i've blogged about it before. i most definitely had to reevaluate my feelings about the God i *thought* i knew/understood. the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People really helped me with that, but i would be lying if i said my feelings on the topic had been resolved. this weekend, though, as i was lounging around and catching up on some of the blogs that i follow, i read something that spoke to me.

i follow the blog of the sikes family, and the story of their perfectly adorable infant son, James, who they lost a few months ago to an aggressive brain tumor. and in one of the posts, James' mom was talking about how in one of her support groups, the facilitator said "that we all need to decide whether we believe that God 'took' our loved ones or whether God 'received' them." that one line really blew me away. it perfectly sums up the feelings i've been grappling with every second since oct 12th of last year. i know some have very unwavering faith that allow them to make peace with the death of their loved one without really questioning their god. and i wish that i could say that i was one of those people. but unfortunately, i'm not.

i don't think that God took Julius from me. i don't think that my amazing little boy was stolen from me because He needed an angel, or because He was trying to tell me/us something, or because it was all part of His plan. i think my Juji left us because he perfect little body failed him {something i've constantly begged my own body to do since that day, but to no avail}. how did it fail him exactly? we don't know. and that answer is something that we will work tirelessly to help find via amazing organizations that support SIDS/SUID research. but i do believe that God was there to receive him with open arms. i believe that He is holding my cuddly little boy until i'm reunited with him and can love on him myself. this is how i choose to see it. this is what brings me comfort {and i understand that it may be completely different from what brings comfort to others, and that is ok}. i'm just so thankful that i actually ran across this post, this line. and i thought i would share for those who also find themselves questioning their faith, their god.

in "lighter" news, i was inspired last week to summon my crafty side {which is almost non-existent} for a project for my boy. i was determined to make a memorial candle for him. i'm always lighting candles for him, especially on special occasions. but i wanted something that actually signified that it was for him {as opposed to just a random candle being lit, especially as the holidays are approaching}. so i did some "research" {read googling}, got some tips, and created this...

it's not perfect by any means. but i definitely think i get an A for effort, especially since i really do have NO creative side whatsoever. i'm going to try my hand at making a few more of these. i'd really like to perfect it, and make some for some of my local BLM friends for their little ones. i also decorated another votive candle holder while i was at it. you can see it in the pic below. it is a square candle holder, so on 2 sides i put the letter J, and on the other 2 sides i added a green butterfly.

the 2 candle holders in progress disregard the mini-cheese, it had nothing to do with the process

now if i could only do a ton of these to help distract me from the fact that oct 12th is coming, i would be golden... :(