received or taken?

i constantly struggle with my feelings toward God since Julius passed away. and i know i've blogged about it before. i most definitely had to reevaluate my feelings about the God i *thought* i knew/understood. the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People really helped me with that, but i would be lying if i said my feelings on the topic had been resolved. this weekend, though, as i was lounging around and catching up on some of the blogs that i follow, i read something that spoke to me.

i follow the blog of the sikes family, and the story of their perfectly adorable infant son, James, who they lost a few months ago to an aggressive brain tumor. and in one of the posts, James' mom was talking about how in one of her support groups, the facilitator said "that we all need to decide whether we believe that God 'took' our loved ones or whether God 'received' them." that one line really blew me away. it perfectly sums up the feelings i've been grappling with every second since oct 12th of last year. i know some have very unwavering faith that allow them to make peace with the death of their loved one without really questioning their god. and i wish that i could say that i was one of those people. but unfortunately, i'm not.

i don't think that God took Julius from me. i don't think that my amazing little boy was stolen from me because He needed an angel, or because He was trying to tell me/us something, or because it was all part of His plan. i think my Juji left us because he perfect little body failed him {something i've constantly begged my own body to do since that day, but to no avail}. how did it fail him exactly? we don't know. and that answer is something that we will work tirelessly to help find via amazing organizations that support SIDS/SUID research. but i do believe that God was there to receive him with open arms. i believe that He is holding my cuddly little boy until i'm reunited with him and can love on him myself. this is how i choose to see it. this is what brings me comfort {and i understand that it may be completely different from what brings comfort to others, and that is ok}. i'm just so thankful that i actually ran across this post, this line. and i thought i would share for those who also find themselves questioning their faith, their god.

in "lighter" news, i was inspired last week to summon my crafty side {which is almost non-existent} for a project for my boy. i was determined to make a memorial candle for him. i'm always lighting candles for him, especially on special occasions. but i wanted something that actually signified that it was for him {as opposed to just a random candle being lit, especially as the holidays are approaching}. so i did some "research" {read googling}, got some tips, and created this...

it's not perfect by any means. but i definitely think i get an A for effort, especially since i really do have NO creative side whatsoever. i'm going to try my hand at making a few more of these. i'd really like to perfect it, and make some for some of my local BLM friends for their little ones. i also decorated another votive candle holder while i was at it. you can see it in the pic below. it is a square candle holder, so on 2 sides i put the letter J, and on the other 2 sides i added a green butterfly.

the 2 candle holders in progress disregard the mini-cheese, it had nothing to do with the process

now if i could only do a ton of these to help distract me from the fact that oct 12th is coming, i would be golden... :(

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

a few months ago, brooke mentioned that she read the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People by harold kushner, and recommended it. i'm sure it's understandable that after a tragedy, people tend to look for the meaning behind it all. they try to comprehend why this terrible thing has happened to them. sometimes they turn there anger and blame toward others - their spouse, the daycare provider, etc. sometimes {as in my case}, they turn their anger and blame toward themselves and God. this book really helped me let go of a lot of that anger. it helped me understand that God isn't some genie granting wishes for some people - the most deserving one - but not others, like i previously thought. He doesn't sit up in heaven on a throne picking out whose child should live and whose should not.  He doesn't decide which family member should be killed in a car accident, and who should live. He just isn't like that. if it were up to him, i have to believe, everyone would live and that there would be no suffering or pain. but unfortunately for us {the ones suffering and in pain}, He does not grant wishes.

sometimes things just happen for no apparent reason. sometimes tragedies befall bad people {and i think this is what society would consider "karma"}, but unfortunately tragedies happen to good people too. i'd like to consider myself a good person. one that has had something incredibly tragic and unfair happen to them. and it happened, not because i sometimes have a "potty mouth." it happened not because i wasn't in church every sunday. because i was a little short with D one day, or because i didn't give enough of my income to charity. it happened because, well because sometimes terrible, unfair, unjust things happen. it's not a punishment for anything {even though it feels like a punishment for everything}. He didn't "give me this" because i am any stronger than anyone else. He didn't give me this because i handle tragedy better, or because He knew i would do something with my pain. He's not trying to test me as a person, or as a type-A planner. He's not trying to get his agenda/point across.

all of those things that i've been made to believe because of all of the platitudes people {my past self included} say are all wrong. you know, all of the "it's all part of His plan," "He gave you this for a reason," "He doesn't give you more than you can handle." all of those trite lines that are made to give some meaning to our pain and tragedy led me to believe that He was "giving" me all of this. it led me to a place where i was very angry at God. i mean, who wouldn't be angry at someone who purposely tries to see how much you can take before you snap? that's not what a loving, caring god would do. that is just downright cruel. and it wasn't until i read the book that i realized that all of those lines can really do more harm to grievers than good.

even though the book helped me to let go of most of those misplaced feelings {hey, it's going to take some time ok}, i'm still angry. but i'm more so angry at the situation rather than at God. and i'm able to concentrate on praying to God for comfort rather than asking for my "wishes" to be granted. i'm now able to ask him for strength to pick myself up after a disappointment. and for the most part, He has provided {and continues to provide} that. He has placed such wonderful people in my path. He has given me a group of women that understand the pain of losing a child, and who tirelessly help me not feel so alone, even at those moments when i try to alienate myself. yes, with my new understanding of my God, it's pretty easy for me to see that He is present and all around me. i no longer feel "picked on" or abandoned by Him. and i'm just so thankful that i stumbled on this book when i did.

**disclaimer: all opinions of God are mine and mine alone. you free to form your own opinion of the God you believe it.**

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Dear Juju,
Today is your 10 month birthday. I'm missing you so very much. And I wish with all of my heart and soul that you were here with me. Life is still pretty difficult without you. But I'm fighting hard to make it. And I hope that with your help, I will. Please stay extra close to me for the next couple of days. I desperately need the extra love. I love you so much it hurts.
Love,
Mommy