Tuesday, October 4, 2011

i want him back

i want him back...still. i miss him...still.

i would give anything to wake up from this nightmare and find him curled up next to me. i would give anything to have oct 12 be just another day instead of the worst day of my life. i would give anything to stop the flashbacks.

daily i ask the question "how am i supposed to live without you?" i still haven't gotten my answer. all i know is that since oct 12 i have woken up everyday. i have gotten out of bed. i have done things. i continue to live despite my asking not to.

i don't know if i will ever get the answer to my question. i don't know if this pain will ever get easier to bear. i know the pain will never go away. for i will always want him back, i will always miss him, i will always love him. that little boy became my compass in life on may 30, 2010. without him, i'm lost.

16 comments:

Angie said...

The flashbacks have been much less frequent over the 2nd year, maybe b/c I wasn't working and had to focus on Lucas, or maybe time. Either way, I hope they lessen for you too.

I want him back for you. I wish we could have them all back.

xoxo

brigette said...

Hugs mama. These next few weeks are so hard. I am praying for you, wishing you didnt know this pain but hoping that you feel sweet Julius near. Praying for you lots of love!!!

Caroline said...

{{{{HUGS}}}}
My sweet friend.

This is so hard , this walk through life without your precious <3 Juju <3. I wish he was still here. I wish all the babies were still here. Just know your always in my thoughts and prayers & most of all I love you.

Jessica said...

(((hugs))) We are told "life isn't easy" but I know none of us BLMs would ever imagine the loss of our children as part of the hard aspects of life. It is so unfair and I wish you still had your sweet Juju <3 Much love to you momma!

Brooke said...

I know things must be so hard as that date draws near. Thinking of you.

Natasha said...

I'm so sorry Tiff. I wish we could have them all back.....

LauraJane said...

I tried to pose earlier, but Blogger was having none of it.

I'm so sorry things are getting harder as the sad days so rapidly approach. I'll be thinking of you, too. :)

Deanna said...

((hugs)) sending you lots and lots of love

Tiffany said...

I've been thinking about you like crazy the last couple days... I know how hard it's going to be in the next couple weeks, I can already feel myself ramping up too...

MrsH said...

Such sweet, innocent little people lost, it breaks my heart. This is so hard. Hang in there. I think it will get easier to bear.

Rona Fernandez said...

I know that nothing I can say or do will make any of this easier for you. All I can say is that I hear you, I hear your pain, and I am sending you love.

Trena said...

((hugs)) Surrounding you with so much love right now.

I wish all our babies were here with us...I wish no one had to ever know this kind of pain.

You are not alone on this journey and you are not alone in feeling this way. Nothing we can do will bring our angels back so we have to grasp onto one another. For love. For support.

♥ Juju ♥

ASHLEY ELDER said...

I am so, so very sorry ((Hugs)) This sucks for all of us and it is completely unfair :( Know that I am thinking of you!

Monique said...

Sending love and remembering your boy Juju. xoxo

amourningmom said...

I wish you could have him back too. So far my wishes are not getting me very far so in the meantime i am sending you peace and hugs. Take care.

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

Dearest Tiffany.... thinking of you and Julius with all my heart today and always xoxo

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