some of my most vivid memories of Julius were the days that we hit his monthly birthday. i would get him all dolled up in his onesie, and proudly affix the month sticker on him. then i'd position him in the glider and take picture after picture of him from every angle possible. i'd spend a majority of the time begging him to smile for me. but when that camera was in his face, he was mesmerized, focusing on nothing else.
one of the gifts we got during one of his baby showers was a first year picture frame with 12 openings to insert his monthly pictures. i hung it right away. and every day since he left us, it has tortured me. though i took 4 monthly pictures, i never got around to filling the frame. and then when he was gone, i became painfully away that i would never get to complete the frame with him. but the thought of taking the frame down hurt my heart even more. so i left it on the wall.
our little girl is here now, and i struggle with thoughts of what to do with that frame. do i fill it with her pictures? do i leave it untouched? do i put a side-by-side picture of both of them up until the 4 month mark where his monthly pictures end? of course all the while, praying and begging the universe that i will get to have more than 4 pictures with her. it's so terribly hard to make decisions like this without feeling torn. and i now realize that it may be a LONG time before i'm able to make any decision for her without feeling guilt that i'm not doing the same for him. hopefully one day i'll get there.
i downloaded an app for my phone that allows me to make little photo collages. i started doing a comparison from month to month of our babies. and then decided to do one of Julius from month 1 - 4. it was hard to do, and i still have moments where it's hard to look at. but i can't help but smile. my little boy was so very handsome. and god do i miss him.