Wednesday, April 18, 2012

forever 4 months old

some of my most vivid memories of Julius were the days that we hit his monthly birthday. i would get him all dolled up in his onesie, and proudly affix the month sticker on him. then i'd position him in the glider and take picture after picture of him from every angle possible. i'd spend a majority of the time begging him to smile for me. but when that camera was in his face, he was mesmerized, focusing on nothing else.

one of the gifts we got during one of his baby showers was a first year picture frame with 12 openings to insert his monthly pictures. i hung it right away. and every day since he left us, it has tortured me. though i took 4 monthly pictures, i never got around to filling the frame. and then when he was gone, i became painfully away that i would never get to complete the frame with him. but the thought of taking the frame down hurt my heart even more. so i left it on the wall.

our little girl is here now, and i struggle with thoughts of what to do with that frame. do i fill it with her pictures? do i leave it untouched? do i put a side-by-side picture of both of them up until the 4 month mark where his monthly pictures end? of course all the while, praying and begging the universe that i will get to have more than 4 pictures with her. it's so terribly hard to make decisions like this without feeling torn. and i now realize that it may be a LONG time before i'm able to make any decision for her without feeling guilt that i'm not doing the same for him. hopefully one day i'll get there.

i downloaded an app for my phone that allows me to make little photo collages. i started doing a comparison from month to month of our babies. and then decided to do one of Julius from month 1 - 4. it was hard to do, and i still have moments where it's hard to look at. but i can't help but smile. my little boy was so very handsome. and god do i miss him.

26 comments:

Brooke said...

He is so cute. What a doll.

I completely understand the pain of having that frame up, and the pain of taking it down. Give yourself some time and you'll figure out what works for you. ((hugs))

Angie said...

It is hard, at first especially, all the things you will do with her that you couldn't with him. But I think it gets easier, too. I mean, that little sting is always there, but Julius wouldn't want you to not do something for her just because you couldn't for him.

Personally, for the photo thing, I would probably get a different new frame for her, but that's me.

B. Wilson said...

He is so adorable. I would struggle with the same. It would almost feel like jinxing things to put her photos in there... just terrified that the frame will never be filled at all. When it should've been filled a long, long time ago. :/

Angie said...

Also I meant to say, he is so adorable!

Em said...

I did a similar thing with our children. I can only imagine the difficulty of deciding what to do with the frame. I have a frame with 5 openings (6 weeks, 3 months, 6months, 9 months, 1 year). We never made it to a year and I put a picture of Eva at 10 months in the 1 year spot. Not the same because there was only 1 spot with a picture missing. I would definitely do a side by side with both of them at 4 months. I am planning to do something like that with my children as well. I'm not sure what month we'll choose..but I know it will be earlier than 10 months*sigh*. Another thing I'm thinking of is one of those digital photo frames with all the photos we have of Eva roatating through. I'm not giving you any answers here but your little Juju is so cute, and I wanted to say something. I`m so sorry for you loss of Sweet julius.
Em

Caroline said...

He sure was handsome! I remember reading your story on FoL/FoH and seeing your blog and just being mezmoried by what a beautiful, charming little boy he is.

I have no right answer for the frame. Only a prayer of hope for you that you can fill it one day with pictures of Julius' sister and the long, long life she has ahead.

My New Normal said...

He is such a cutie! And I'm so sorry that he will forever be 4 months old.

I say give your daughter her own photo frame. Then you've got all the time in the world to figure out what you want to do with his frame.

SG said...

He is so cute <3

No idea about the picture frame. I tend to just wait on things like that and leave them alone until I feel peace with one of the options (a very long wait sometimes).

LauraJane said...

Hunky for sure. I love his little face. :)
I can't imagine how you feel with the frame, it's some of the little things which hurt so much, huh? :(

brigette said...

He is adorable!! thoselittle things to sting and I totally get the guilt thing! You are an awesome mama and doing an amazing job!! Big hugs

Becky said...

Handsome little man indeed!
I agree that even though its sad and we miss them its so hard to not want to smile when you look at there pics at just how adorable they are.

Kelly said...

I also have one of those frames. I did get to put Adam's pictures in it, a birth pic and then 1 month. That's it since he died right before he turned 2 months. Natalie has the identical frame, all filled out. And there sits Adam's, practically empty. I decided to use it for this baby since it's so empty. But lately I've been thinking, what will I do of the pics in there of Adam? The openings are so small, it's really only his head. Do I throw the pictures of his head away? I have the same pictures, full sized, but I still don't think I can throw his head away. I completely understand your struggle. (((hugs)))

Nicole Marie said...

Indeed he was very handsome.

DandelionBreeze... aka NYMum said...

He's adorable... so handsome :) My heart breaks for you when I read about the months of photos for Julius that you never got to take. Thinking of you xo

Holly said...

he is just precious ♥

rebecca said...

Oh my friend, it hurts my heart so much for you. Looking at those pictures is both heartbreaking and heartwarming if that makes sense. He was an incredibly handsome baby & it's evident how very much he was loved and how terribly he is missed. Love you ((hugs))

Caroline said...

Such a handsome boy. I know those feelings so much. Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers always.

Tiffany said...

Hugs my friend. Its kind of like the baby book- everything is blank for a certain point... I hate it... He sure is a beautiful boy though!

Drew's Parents said...

He was such a handsome little boy. Precious pictures and memories. xoxo

Ashley said...

He is definitely adorable!! I wouldn't know what to do with the frame either...okay, I guess I do, me - I wouldn't touch it. It would hang there with the rest of the kids unfinished. Sorry that you have to have this picture frame only full until he was 4 months. It is most definitely unfair.

Thinking of you ((Hugs))

Deanna said...

These feelings are all too familiar. His pictures are adorable...much much love to you dear!

TanaLee Davis said...

Like Tiffany said, Its like the baby book. I hate that I can only fill in so many blank pages before there is no more to fill in...I've thought about adding things hubs and I have done since in this journey but I can't be satisfied with that. hugs-
Felicia

Susan said...

It is hard. I just know that whatever you decide, whatever feels right for you, is the right thing x

Natasha said...

Julius is so so beautiful- I love that face ♥

I think that maybe you can give Juli her own frame for now and then you can figure out later how you feel and what you would like to do with all the pictures. I know it's rough. I hate that for you- just wish you could have them both.

Sending lots of love to you friend.....xoxo

Rona Fernandez said...

what an adorable boy. i love your idea of putting the month # on his onesie. i wish i had 'celebrated' her month birthdays more. i focused more on each week and the milestones she had reached, but didn't do much to document them. i thought, of course, that i'd have plenty of time to do that. :( i hate that we have to decide on crazy things like these (re: what to do with the frame). i hate that our babies are not with us. i'm sure whatever you decide to do will be right. sending a big hug your way.

Rhiannon said...

What a handsome little boy he was. His smile always warms my heart when I see him at the top of your blog! As for the frame, I think I would leave it as it is and get a new one for Julius' baby sister. It is so hard mama and I wish he were here, too. ((hugs))

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