these days the sounds of baby cries and coos reverberate off of the walls of our home. these days we have sleepless nights, we "ooo" and "ahhhh" over someone's every movement. we rejoice joyfully over milestones. yet our heart still breaks. he is still missing. and to be honest, watching her grow and develop her own personality, which is that of a diva no doubt, makes it SO much harder for my heart to understand how he could be here one moment and gone the next.
Julius' 2nd birthday is coming up next month. once again i find myself dreading the month of may. this should be the month in which i celebrate all that my baby boy has accomplished in 2 years of life, and wonder what he will be like during the "terrible twos". he will forever be 4.5 months old to us. our "future" with him, cut so very short. i'm not sure what we will do to honor him during that month or on his special day, and i'm a bit stressed just thinking about it.
last week we were out shopping for clothes for me as my wardrobe had shrunk considerably due to my post pregnancy/birthing body. D was wearing our girl in the baby carrier, and is usually the case when we are out, people were stopping us to check her out and ask questions. in one store we went in, one of the employees asked her age. when we told her she said, "awww, i miss that age. i have a 2 year old now." we smiled politely and nodded, and then i had to duck into one of the sections and catch my breath. i would have an almost 2 year old. and i miss what could have been.