Thursday, April 26, 2012

mother's day

first i want to say thank you to everyone that weighed in on my picture frame issue. i still haven't finalized what i'm going to do, but i think i'm going to do something for both of them in that corner (DIY photo canvases perhaps, thank you pinterest). and pack his picture frame away (but i think i will fill it with his birth - 4 month pictures first. i need to).

well in a few more days, may will be upon us. i almost had a panic attack in the car thinking of all the milestone days in that one month: bereaved mother's day, mother's day, baby girl turning 4 months, baby girl turning 4.5 months, Julius' birthday, and his 19 month angelversary. my goodness, if i wasn't nursing i would be tempted to stock the fridge full of wine to help me deal with this next month.

but in the midst of all the anxiety and worry, i am oddly excited for mother's day this year. this will be the 1st year that i don't feel like a fraud (and of course i'm assuming that we are all still here by then and that no major devastation has made it's way into our lives again). now before anyone has the urge to go all "polyanna" on me, please understand that i know i am and always will be a mother. even after Julius passed away i still considered myself a mother. but i felt like a phoney. i had no one to mother on this side. and so i mothered (and still do) his memory/legacy. but i desperately wanted him, and wanted so bad to do all of those things that go along with being a mother.

in 2010 i was weeks away from birthing my baby boy. in 2011 i was a bereaved mom who had JUST found out i was pregnant again for the 2nd time (my mother's day gift from my son). so i was a mother to 2 children, but neither of them were physically present. and this year i may actually get to experience my first mother's day as an earthly mom.

i've got big plans for that day, which begins with D serving me a big breakfast in bed (though i haven't mentioned that part to him). then, the lighting of Julius' candle. after that will be the presentation of gifts (i'm thinking a piece of personalized jewelry that has both of my children's names on it. again i haven't run that by D). and finally, the part that will take up the rest of the day, snuggling in bed with my little girl - that never gets old. now all i have to do is make it to that day. which sometimes seems like the hardest part.

14 comments:

brigette said...

That sounds like a lovely day! May has lots of miletsones for you I will keep ou and your sweet family in my heart and mind! Big hugs to you!!

Mary said...

I think I will share the "presentation of gifts" portion of the day with Charlie and see if he goes along with it;) We will get through May together, I am always here for you!

LauraJane said...

The final paragraph had me laughing- D's generous non-)offer of breakfast, followed by "the presentation of gifts". You are hilarious and I love you. :)

I know just what you mean re : feeling like a fraud on mothers day- the things I would do to be able to celebrate bothers day as a mother to living babies. This year will be like my first as well.

Thinking of you as you navigate some particularily tricky dates ahead.

TanaLee Davis said...

I totally get the feeling like a fraud. I feel that way every time I get the urge to mention I'm a mother. I know that I had a daughter here on earth but so many didn't get to meet and know her. They just know her name if that. It seems like a dream or something. so I get that.
hugs-
Felicia

Tiffany said...

I love your mother's days plans and I love that you are going to tell D how it will go down! Hope this next month is peaceful as can be for you guys!

Rona Fernandez said...

i totally feel you about feeling like a fraud re: mother's day. i am dreading mother's day this year, as I don't have another baby yet to hold and love and fill the void in my mothering self. yes you will always be julius' mommy of course and now your baby girl's mommy, but it's just not the same, is it? i wish more people would try to understand that. i'm glad you are looking forward to mother's day this year and hope your breakfast in bed plans work out! ;)

Maxie's Mommy said...

I am planning to put on full blinders and pretend like the day isn't even happening. BUT - I am excited for next Mother's Day, just as I am excited for you to have this Mother's Day. Getting to be a mother again on Mother's Day is a gift in itself. Love to you and D and both of your beautiful children.

SG said...

I'm jealous (facing my third pseudo-mothers day in a row...asked my husband to just help me ignore it please) but very very happy for you! I love that you are planning to make it what you want - you deserve it :)

Kelly said...

Hahaha, I love your plans for Mother's Day that your hubby doesn't know about. :) I hope all your dreams come true that day, and I'm so happy you're looking forward to it. <3

Susan said...

Bad mood here today - so to hell with Polyanna. I really f**king hate it when people correct me about how many children I have. If I say none, then it is none - nowadays, of course, if I say 2, they want to revise it downwards. If I say 2, it's not like I'm over-looking she died - I do know that. And when I used to say none, and they say .... you will always be Catherine's mother - I DO REMEMBER HER y'know - it's just that her being dead tends to interrupt the mother daughter relationship somewhat.

I hope you get the Mother's Day you want Tiffany. I've had those unproblematic HMDs that other people without dead kids have, I've had childless ones and one as a parent again. I kind of suspect they are not all they are cracked up to be - but maybe my planning is lacking. I will watch, listen and learn! Big hug to you xx

Rhiannon said...

I love your plans for Mother's Day. I understand what you mean by feeling like a fraud, I felt that way last year. My fear this year is the dreaded "happy first mother's day". :( I hope that the month of May flies by for you.

Ashley said...

I am so glad that you have your baby girl to help you celebrate Mother's Day this year :) Your plans for the day sound great.

Thinking of you ((Hugs))

Dandelion Breeze said...

Sounds like a beautiful plan xoxo

Natasha said...

You are hilarious girl! Totally love your (I mean D's) Mother's Day plans- lol! I am with you- hoping this Mother's Day will be the one where I'm enjoying it instead of being a crying mess.

Thinking of you guys this month friend ♥

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