dammit, this is not the way it should be. i go back and forth between sadness and anger, oh, and denial.
i just still can't believe that i have to celebrate my son's life without him...again.
we have survived several milestones already. today baby girl has already outlived her brother. but i continue to step cautiously through the rest of this month, because, well, i know that we are not spared any further suffering or heartache, so i'm still on guard.
i have just now started to get things together for his special day (mostly because i noticed that the days continued to pass by even though i didn't want them to). i haven't done TOO much planning, but i have nailed down the theme:
did you know that that paul frank monkey is named Julius???? i found out shortly after my boy passed away. and now i'm obsessed. seriously. and thanks to target for feeding my obsession as Julius is all.over.the.place.
so we will have a Julius cake (and i'm deciding whether i want to attempt making fondant). i'm planning on getting us some Julius gear to wear (i found a really cute shirt for me and onesie for the girl). we will light his candle. there will be a balloon release. definitely some KFC for dinner (i had that after i gave birth to him). lots of snuggles with our girl. lots of talking about our boy. i will be taking the day off of work, and staying close to my little family. and i have already ordered his memorial ad with our paper, which will run the day before. so my plans are coming together. but i have a favor to ask...