planning a birthday party

dammit, this is not the way it should be. i go back and forth between sadness and anger, oh, and denial.
i just still can't believe that i have to celebrate my son's life without him...again.

we have survived several milestones already. today baby girl has already outlived her brother. but i continue to step cautiously through the rest of this month, because, well, i know that we are not spared any further suffering or heartache, so i'm still on guard.

i have just now started to get things together for his special day (mostly because i noticed that the days continued to pass by even though i didn't want them to). i haven't done TOO much planning, but i have nailed down the theme:

did you know that that paul frank monkey is named Julius???? i found out shortly after my boy passed away. and now i'm obsessed. seriously. and thanks to target for feeding my obsession as Julius is all.over.the.place.

so we will have a Julius cake (and i'm deciding whether i want to attempt making fondant). i'm planning on getting us some Julius gear to wear (i found a really cute shirt for me and onesie for the girl). we will light his candle. there will be a balloon release. definitely some KFC for dinner (i had that after i gave birth to him). lots of snuggles with our girl. lots of talking about our boy. i will be taking the day off of work, and staying close to my little family. and i have already ordered his memorial ad with our paper, which will run the day before. so my plans are coming together. but i have a favor to ask...

i would love if you all will help me celebrate my son's life as well. i finally started to print out all of the name gallery pics that we have had done for him, and that other people have sent us. like

and will be placing them all in a photo album just for him which i will fill up throughout the years, considering i won't get to fill an album with recent pics of him. anway, if you would like to help me with this project i would be forever grateful. all you have to do is write my son's name in some creative way (really any way will do), take a pic, and send it to me. it would mean so so much!

Acts of kindness...

again i'm amazed that whenever i feel like i'm about to slip into a hole of sadness, someone swoops down to rescue me {or at least pulls me a little closer to the light}. today i want to thank 2 wonderful ladies that i had the privilege to "meet" while on my journey through grief {and whom are also on their own respective journeys through grief}.

the first person i want to thank is mary over at Micah's Gift. after she lost her precious Micah, she wrote Micah's name on a blade of wild grass so that she could essentially watch Micah grow. she now offers to write the names of fellow BLMs' angel babies in the grass, so that not only will Micah have friends, but they can all "grow" and "play" together in this patch of wild grass that is never cut. and you know me, once i came across her blog, and saw that i could have this done for Juju, I jumped at the chance. as i mentioned in my last post, i am desperate to hold onto my baby in any way, shape or form, so i'm always excited about a new opportunity to do just that. i sent mary my request, and within hours, she had written Julius' name, and sent me the pic of my "Juju grass". my heart was just overcome with love. it brings me comfort to think of Julius "playing" with Micah and friends - waiting for me. :') thank you so much, mary, for filling in some of the emptiness of my heart with love.


the next lovely lady that i would like to thank is ms. angie over at Expectations Revised. she was kind enough to give me this blog award. it still makes me blush to think that there are people out there that read {and actually *like* my blog}. so i thank you angie from the bottom of my heart for this award. i feel honored that you take time out of your day/life to read my blog, and walk with me on my journey.

The rules of this award are:

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

to pass this award on to *just* 5 women/blogs would be an injustice. i have had the pleasure of discovering so many blogs that have been so inspirational to me. honestly, if i had not found these women i would have felt much more alone during this time. it has been so eye-opening to see how many women are affected by baby loss. it's just so unfair. so even though it means that i may have to take several hrs to complete #3. i'm going to recognize a lot of my fellow BLMs who's blogs i follow {and i apologize profusely to anyone i have accidentally excluded on this list}:

Lindsay at Keeping up with the Joneses
Denise at This Momma's Journey
Lindsay at The Chipmans
Rebecca at The Road Less Traveled
Megan at A Story Unfolding...
Rhiannon at For the Love of Harper
Rachel at Curls O Fred
Kam at Our New Normal
Kimberly at God Keeps His Promises
MrsH at A Second Line
Kalialani at The Butterfly Room
Organized Chaos at Abigail's Legacy of Hope
Tiffany at In the Beginning There Was Genesis
Jen at Attempting to Love Life without Her...
Trena at Free to Fly
Kristin at Dear Stevie
Littleharves at Harveys World - Remember to Breathe
Lis at Built-in Birth Control
Stephanie at Carried Through Grief
Karol at Loving Laynee
Patty at Journey of Loss, Hope and Faith
Franchesca at My Heart Song

**and to those i have recognized, please know that i do not mind one bit if you do not feel like "playing along". we are all in the midst of grief, and taking the time to post about a blog award sometimes is just NOT doable {we need to conserve all the energy we can while mourning}. i just wanted to take the time to thank you all for giving me some inspiration/motivation. i appreciate every last one of you more than you will know.**