Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Right Where I Am: 1 year, 7 months, 3 weeks, 2 days

i don't understand how it's been almost a year since i made this post. in fact, i was so shocked when i saw that some of my blogger friends were making new posts, convinced that surely a whole year had not passed. i was wrong, it has.

so where am i on my grief journey currently? well, today is the day before my son's 2nd birthday. i'm still broken shattered. the past few days my heart has been heavier than normal, and i've been weepier (is that even a word?) than normal. i just miss him so intensely, and i wish more than anything that he was here with us.

this last year we have gone through so many transitions. we had just celebrated Julius' 1st birthday without him, and discovered that i was pregnant for the 2nd time weeks before i wrote the last post. since then we marked his angelversary, i gave birth to his baby sister, and she  has now officially outlived him.

my grief has taken so many shapes in that year. during my pregnancy i became very withdrawn. pregnancy itself leaves a person with very little energy. but pregnancy, on top of grief left me feeling so incredibly run down. i only had enough energy to do the bear minimum. i kept myself so busy, maybe too busy, that if/when i did have "free time" it was spent laid up on the couch watching tv and trying to recouperate. i avoided people as much as i could because i just couldn't deal with the well-wishes, or questions about my pregnancy, since i was sure that those questions would lead to me telling Julius' story.

after she was born, despite being excited that she was now with us, i was full of dread. again, it's hard enough to deal with the recovery process of labor/birth and everything that goes along with breastfeeding, but to do all of that while grieving left me feeling overwhelmed. and again, we spent most of the time in the house, withdrawn from the outside world. in my mind, the countdown had begun, and i still wasn't emotionally ready to deal with the well-wishes, and superficial conversation about babies.

it has only been recently that i've been feeling that i'm finally finding my footing {though typing those words causes a surge of anxiety within me as though i'm going to jinx something}. our baby girl has been keeping us busy, and making us laugh. she has brought healing to our hearts, and joy to our home. but every single moment of happiness and shear bliss, is followed by a twinge of pain because Julius is not with us. we are missing out on so much without him. she has exponentially increased the love in our hearts, but she does not erase the pain of his loss {nor would i want her to}.

i still feel that ebb and flow of grief. some days are easier to deal with than others. because of his birthday tomorrow the days have been harder to get through. but what hasn't changed since the last time i posted is that, despite once thinking that i would never make it if anything ever happened to my child, i continue to survive this, taking things one day at a time. all the while thankful for the chance to love him, even for a short while, in person, and eternally in my heart.

22 comments:

Brooke said...

These days before his birthday must be extra hard. Take care of you, and know that we'll all help you remember Julius on his special day. Thinking of you, D, and your son and daughter.

crystal said...

I know what you mean. I feel the same way. Praying for you. Sending my <3 to you!!!

Maxie's Mommy said...

Well put. I am so sorry. It is so hard not having our boys here. His smile was gigantic. How could you not feel heart breaking pain whenever thinking about his not being here? Lots of love to you Tiffany!

Angie said...

Ugh, what a tough time of the year for you.

Even though I had no real reason from past history to believe that Luke wouldn't "stay", in my mind, it took me a long long time to trust. It was exhausting and crippling and hard, those early months. I am sure it may have been even worse for you. But as the months have ticked by, while it's sad seeing all the milestones that we missed with Olivia, it gets easier, too. At least for me it has.

Thinking of you and your sweet babies.

Mary said...

Praying for you momma! I hope tomorrow is a easy on you as it can be. Sending you lots of love and strength!

B. Wilson said...

Joy, healing, hope, but still shattered. I know, my friend. It's so exhausting.

I am just now allowing myself out in public more. In the first few months after B's birth, I just couldn't deal with all the questions and cutesy comments either.

Catherine W said...

Thinking of you as you approach Julius' second birthday, such a difficult time of year.

You must be absolutely exhausted, with grief and pregnancy and looking after your new baby girl.

I'm glad that you feel your feet are standing on my solid ground and that your daughter has brought joy to your hearts. But I know that you will always miss Julius. Your beautiful son, so very loved and missed.

CourtneyT said...

I know what you mean! I couldnt believe so much time had past when I went to write my own post. Beautiful post!

still life angie said...

It is so difficult around birthdays, so thank you for taking the time to write this post. Grieving, mothering, gestating is all exhausting business. May you find some gentle moments in the next weeks. With love. XO

Hope's Mama said...

What a beautiful little boy. I am so sorry he's not here with you. Birthdays without our babies are so incredibly hard and I just wish it didn't have to be this way.
Sending you so much love.
xo

Arcadia said...

I'm so sorry about your little boy, Julius. He is so absolutely gorgeous - that cheeky little smile of his brought a smile to my face for the first time in days. You must be exhausted from hitting all these milestones so close together... Thinking of you and your beautiful Julius.

Jessica said...

I haven't been here in so, so long and I'm sorry for that but seeing that baby girl sitting on your lap wishing Julius a Happy Birthday could not be a more beautiful sight. His birthday must be so difficult and I hope you are doing okay. Wishing you peace in your days.

Angela said...

Charlotte's birthday exhausts me. It's such a difficult time, I hope you have gentle reminders of Julius throughout the next few days. Pregnancy after loss and then raising a baby while missing his or her sibling is so hard. Thinking of you and your family.

Merry said...

It has taken me ages to even begin to believe Ben would stay, so I really hear you on that. Hoping these days are gentle.

amourningmom said...

Thinking of you and sweet Julius extra today. Wishing you peace and sending hugs. Life is so very bittersweet after the death of your child (or children). I wish none of us had to live in a world without all of our children.

Molly King said...

Thinking of you and hoping you find some peace tomorrow. Birthdays are hard. Thank you for sharing your beautiful Julius with us.

Susan said...

You are an amazing mother - you do so much for both your children. We have been through so much - I believe it will get better. I do. I hope you can too.

Jessica said...

So very sorry for yous loss of your sweet son. I think of you both often when I see pictures of the heart ornament I painted...I am so mad at myself for not keeping up with your blog as I had no clue you had a rainbow baby...I am thrilled for you! Pregnancy was very hard for me too and utterly exhausting, I also was not around people much. As you said it was just too much. Much love to you and your family, thank you for sharing <3

Amelia said...

Sending light and love to you, I hope you made it through the day all right.

erica said...

Birthdays are so hard. I hope this one was as gentle for you as it could be. I remember visiting your blog last year and being struck by Julius' smile, so bright and happy and infectious. I still am. I still don't understand how such a smile could be taken from you.

Pregnancy after a loss is hard. People told me about that, and I knew it, but I hadn't known how hard and emotionally exhausting parenting after a loss could be - what you write about the mix of happiness and pain really hits home for me. I hope you get to catch your breath, that there is more sweet than bitter in the weeks and months and years to come.

DandelionBreeze said...

Lovely to hear that laughter has returned to your heart. Thinking of you and your darling son on his birthday... love always xoxo

Fireflyforever said...

The days around their birthdays are so hard and so exhausting. I hope these past days have been gentle on you.

I can only begin to imagine what fears must have co-existed alongside the joy in the early days with your newborn daughter. I think we all feel the weight of significant milestones. Emma died on her due date. Her baby brother was born at 38 weeks. When your "date" is months past birth I can envisage you holding your breath and needing to hold her very, very close.

I am glad she is here. I am so sad that Julius is not - such a beautiful, beautiful boy.

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