Wednesday, October 10, 2012

why?

...does *that* day have to roll around again? why hasn't someone removed it from the calendar already? in just 2 short days, it will be Julius' angelversary. 2 years ago i survived the worst thing anyone can experience - the death of their child. i still can't wrap my mind around the fact that it's been that long. when i think back on that day, which i try my hardest not to do, i can still feel that raw, intense pain. i still remember some parts with such vividness that it makes me feel like it just happened yesterday.

and yet i look at where i am in life, and can't believe that i have made it this far. i can't believe i have survived this, or "continue to survive this" i should say. our girl is still here with us, growing, thriving, making us run circles around her. she has turned 9 months - double the age Julius lived to be. oh, she makes us happier than we have been since we lost him. but, my goodness, do we miss him still - even more actually.

this year i have no plans for that day. last year i felt the urgency to get out of town, so D and i went to the nashville zoo a few hours away. the zoo packed full of children, and me heavily pregnant and grieving. i didn't think i'd be able to do it, but we actually had a decent time. this year, while i don't feel the need to get out of town, i know that i can't go through my typical routine. so i will be taking time to do something different. just not sure what...

i've been so engrossed in planning our fundraiser zumbathon (we called it "ZumbAway SIDS") which took place last weekend, that i have not had time to make plans for *that* day. the zumbathon was amazing, better than i could have ever hoped for. we had a great turnout, and plan to do it annually. working on that was a great distraction from the reality of what was/is approaching. but now it's over. and it's back to reality...

11 comments:

Angie said...

Geez. It's hard to believe it's been 2 years. Thinking of you and hoping the day is gentle to you.

Christina said...

My prayers are with you and D this week as Friday approaches. You've been on my heart. We have not forgotten about your sweet little man. WE will take time to remember him on Friday and pray for you and your family as well. ~Christina

LauraJane said...

The two year anniversaries are upon us... I'm so with you- how the heck did it happen so fast, and how is it we're still surviving?

B. Wilson said...

2 seems impossible. :/ Way too much time and yet not enough. Thinking of you and as always, your Juju.

Brooke said...

2 years is unbelievable. I know Juli keeps you guys laughing, but that doesn't make any of the ant easier. Thinking of you and your sweet Julius.

Natasha said...

2 years is so unreal and so unfair. Every day without them is so unfair. I hate it.

Sending lots of love my friend ♥

Caroline said...

lots of love to you. Today, tomorrow, always. <3

sdarnell said...

Tiffany, I think of you often and you are in my constant prayers. I will light a candle for Julius this Friday in his memory and pray for peace in your heart. God bless you and your precious family during this painful and difficult time.

rebecca said...

Your family has been heavy on my heart & mind all week. We are remembering Julius with you and thinking of you all, praying you feel surrounded by love and strength for the day

S said...

Just wanted to pop in and say I'm always thinking about you. I can easily go back to this time 2 years ago in my memory since our rainbow baby had just been born days earlier. I just want you to know that I look back on that time with such conflict in my heart. I know that as my rainbow came to me, your angel left you. It makes me angry that mothers continue to lose their children and I just want to say that at this time of year, when I'm celebrating the birth of my rainbow baby, I am also grieving with you. I know I'm just a random lurker but you should know that you have touched my life significantly with your dedication to your son. I insist on giving my angel baby validation and honor at any opportunity so I can appreciate everything you do in honor of your son. His precious little face is always in my thoughts. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.

brigette said...

Im sorry im behind :(. 2 years is so hard! Please know that I think of you and pray for you often. We wrote Julius name on a balloon on Kaels angel day and sent it to heaven. Big hugs mama!

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