Thursday, November 1, 2012

grief new year

it's november. my grief new year. all of my big milestone days are done for 2012, and now the anticipation of his 3rd birthday begins. right now i am a little relieved, though, to be out of the month of october. i absolutely detest that month. but i am glad that we have all survived another october. i've wanted to blog about what we've been doing this month, but i really had no extra energy to spare.

i kept myself really busy, mostly as a distraction. it helped a bit, but when it comes down to it, nothing can make me forget the fact that my precious son passed away 2 years ago. it doesn't matter how many projects i take on.

early in october, a friend/local SIDS mom helped me plan a zumbathon to raise money for CJ Foundation and First Candle. it was so much work, planning and promoting that event, but it went SOOOO well! we had a really good turn out for our 1st zumbathon. and we raised over $500 that day. in total we raised $660 and sent $330 to both of those organizations. thank you to everyone who donated to our fundraiser!
during our zumbathon. we had over 50 people
the day of his angelversary, i really didn't have anything planned. last year we went to the zoo in nashville, and then had a little balloon release. i HAD to get out of this city on that day. this year, i didn't feel that urgency. but i did still feel the need to take off of work to stay close to my family, and i'm glad i did. we ended up going to the park that we were at the day before he passed away. the museum had FINALLY received and placed his brick the day before (after a year and a half almost), so i wanted to see it. and since it had taken so long, they generously refunded our money and gave us a 1 year membership to the museum, so we took a stroll of the museum afterward. and then had lunch at the restaurant connected to the museum that Julius and i stopped and ate at the day before he passed away. it was hard to go in, especially since i have avoided it all this time, but i'm glad we did (now my meal was a huge fail, but i'm not going to get into that one).
finally placed.
can't believe it's been 2 years since i kissed this boy.
our rainbow has been keeping us incredibly busy. she is on the brink of walking, and is really all over the place. her diva nature is coming out more and more. she's hilarious. so updating when i get home is just not going to happen. she requires all of my attention and focus (and i gladly oblige). but even with her at home with us, the weight of absence is GREATLY felt. and we try constantly to keep him present in our daily lives and to make it feel like we are bringing him with us instead of leaving him behind.

everyone knows my obsession with Paul Frank's Julius the monkey. well, i found this shirt at target a few weeks ago and had to buy it. there is actually a whole line of PF sleepwear. i loved it all, but just ended up getting this shirt. which worked out well, because a few days later, my amazing coworker bought me another shirt and pants. so i wear Julius to bed every night now.

and speaking of PF, i found the PF fan page on FB, and "liked" it. really i felt like an idiot for not finding it earlier. not sure why it never crossed my mind to look for it. anyway, while looking through the page, my heart just started to swell. his name, of course, was all over the page thanks to Julius the monkey. so i took a couple of minutes to write a little something on the page to let the people at PF know how much Julius means to me. and they responded!!!! i love them even more now.

Julius remembers my Julius!

i've also been working on some DIY crafts from that i've found on pinterest - DIY sharpie mug.

my Julius mug. just write on a mug with sharpie and bake in over at 350
this month was difficult, and with the holidays approaching, i know there are still difficult days ahead of me this year. i'm torn because i desperately want to experience the holiday season with our rainbow, but i miss my son, wish he were here, and hope that he isn't forgotten by anyone. i guess i just hope that our girl's presence doesn't overshadow the existence of our boy. it's just a tough balance, and i really wish i didn't have to deal with this. i just wish so much that this wasn't my reality and that Julius was here.

pic we took during our family pics in sept.


Brooke said...

Thinking of you. You know, I think there was a part of me that really wanted to believe things would be a little easier than they are by now. I mean, they are easier than they were. And having Caro here helps ease our pain. But it will never be right that we are missing them, and we will never stop wishing for them, and sometimes that just feels like too much.

Ashley said...

Thinking of you always!

TanaLee Davis said...

Good to hear from you. Sounds like you've been really busy! I love the Pinterest project...think I might do this one. :) Hello November...the month I'm not so fond of as TanaLee will be turning 3...another year without her. But nontheless I will make it through- Hugs mama,

B. Wilson said...

I love all the wonderful Julius touches that surround your life.

Hello November! But can we skip December? Please?

LauraJane said...

You have done so many things to ensure your Julius is remembered and loved. I am so thankful you share him with us like this. Every single time (seriously) I dress Grace in a Julius bib or soother or anything, I think of your Julius. I know I said this already, but I love that PF reached out to you. Amazing.

And heck, if we're skipping December, I want to by-pass January (though I know it's your beautiful little lady's birthday, too!).

Your family photo is beautiful. You are also looking svelte and I am j.e.a.l.o.u.s. :)

S said...

Julius is never forgotten....Thanks for sharing him with us. And thanks for sharing your photos. Wishing you the strength to continue to move forward in his name. Thinking of your family often.

Molly said...

It breaks my heart to read this. I know Julius is honored by everything you are doing for him. I'm so sorry you have to celebrate his angelversary. Ugh. It's so awful.

Deanna said...

love the Julius mug! how cool? my writing is so crummy that it would never turn out but yours is awesome!! thinking of you, remembering Julius and sending you love always.

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