grief new year

it's november. my grief new year. all of my big milestone days are done for 2012, and now the anticipation of his 3rd birthday begins. right now i am a little relieved, though, to be out of the month of october. i absolutely detest that month. but i am glad that we have all survived another october. i've wanted to blog about what we've been doing this month, but i really had no extra energy to spare.

i kept myself really busy, mostly as a distraction. it helped a bit, but when it comes down to it, nothing can make me forget the fact that my precious son passed away 2 years ago. it doesn't matter how many projects i take on.

early in october, a friend/local SIDS mom helped me plan a zumbathon to raise money for CJ Foundation and First Candle. it was so much work, planning and promoting that event, but it went SOOOO well! we had a really good turn out for our 1st zumbathon. and we raised over $500 that day. in total we raised $660 and sent $330 to both of those organizations. thank you to everyone who donated to our fundraiser!

during our zumbathon. we had over 50 people

the day of his angelversary, i really didn't have anything planned. last year we went to the zoo in nashville, and then had a little balloon release. i HAD to get out of this city on that day. this year, i didn't feel that urgency. but i did still feel the need to take off of work to stay close to my family, and i'm glad i did. we ended up going to the park that we were at the day before he passed away. the museum had FINALLY received and placed his brick the day before (after a year and a half almost), so i wanted to see it. and since it had taken so long, they generously refunded our money and gave us a 1 year membership to the museum, so we took a stroll of the museum afterward. and then had lunch at the restaurant connected to the museum that Julius and i stopped and ate at the day before he passed away. it was hard to go in, especially since i have avoided it all this time, but i'm glad we did (now my meal was a huge fail, but i'm not going to get into that one).
 

finally placed.

can't believe it's been 2 years since i kissed this boy.

our rainbow has been keeping us incredibly busy. she is on the brink of walking, and is really all over the place. her diva nature is coming out more and more. she's hilarious. so updating when i get home is just not going to happen. she requires all of my attention and focus (and i gladly oblige). but even with her at home with us, the weight of absence is GREATLY felt. and we try constantly to keep him present in our daily lives and to make it feel like we are bringing him with us instead of leaving him behind.

everyone knows my obsession with Paul Frank's Julius the monkey. well, i found this shirt at target a few weeks ago and had to buy it. there is actually a whole line of PF sleepwear. i loved it all, but just ended up getting this shirt. which worked out well, because a few days later, my amazing coworker bought me another shirt and pants. so i wear Julius to bed every night now.

and speaking of PF, i found the PF fan page on FB, and "liked" it. really i felt like an idiot for not finding it earlier. not sure why it never crossed my mind to look for it. anyway, while looking through the page, my heart just started to swell. his name, of course, was all over the page thanks to Julius the monkey. so i took a couple of minutes to write a little something on the page to let the people at PF know how much Julius means to me. and they responded!!!! i love them even more now.

Julius remembers my Julius!

i've also been working on some DIY crafts from that i've found on pinterest - DIY sharpie mug.

my Julius mug. just write on a mug with sharpie and bake in over at 350

this month was difficult, and with the holidays approaching, i know there are still difficult days ahead of me this year. i'm torn because i desperately want to experience the holiday season with our rainbow, but i miss my son, wish he were here, and hope that he isn't forgotten by anyone. i guess i just hope that our girl's presence doesn't overshadow the existence of our boy. it's just a tough balance, and i really wish i didn't have to deal with this. i just wish so much that this wasn't my reality and that Julius was here.

pic we took during our family pics in sept.

why?

...does *that* day have to roll around again? why hasn't someone removed it from the calendar already? in just 2 short days, it will be Julius' angelversary. 2 years ago i survived the worst thing anyone can experience - the death of their child. i still can't wrap my mind around the fact that it's been that long. when i think back on that day, which i try my hardest not to do, i can still feel that raw, intense pain. i still remember some parts with such vividness that it makes me feel like it just happened yesterday.

and yet i look at where i am in life, and can't believe that i have made it this far. i can't believe i have survived this, or "continue to survive this" i should say. our girl is still here with us, growing, thriving, making us run circles around her. she has turned 9 months - double the age Julius lived to be. oh, she makes us happier than we have been since we lost him. but, my goodness, do we miss him still - even more actually.

this year i have no plans for that day. last year i felt the urgency to get out of town, so D and i went to the nashville zoo a few hours away. the zoo packed full of children, and me heavily pregnant and grieving. i didn't think i'd be able to do it, but we actually had a decent time. this year, while i don't feel the need to get out of town, i know that i can't go through my typical routine. so i will be taking time to do something different. just not sure what...

i've been so engrossed in planning our fundraiser zumbathon (we called it "ZumbAway SIDS") which took place last weekend, that i have not had time to make plans for *that* day. the zumbathon was amazing, better than i could have ever hoped for. we had a great turnout, and plan to do it annually. working on that was a great distraction from the reality of what was/is approaching. but now it's over. and it's back to reality...

desperately hanging on...

going into this year, and the birth of our rainbow, though i was excited to meet her and become an earthly momma again, i was terrified of having to let go of Julius. i knew that our lives would become so wrapped up in our baby girl, and i was just worried that i wouldn't be able to "mother" Julius and his legacy the same way i did in 2011.

i have been lucky this year, in that i've been able to do several things to honor my son (including the conference we went to last month). i'm actually in the midst of planning another one. a local SIDS mom, and dear friend (and fellow Zumba instructor), and i are planning a Zumbathon "ZumbAway SIDS" that will take place on Oct 6th. 2 straight hours of zumba! and all the proceeds will be going to both First Candle and CJ Foundation for SIDS.

so if you are in the local area, please join us!! if you are not, you can still donate. just go to our site and click the donate link on the right hand side. no amount is too small, seriously!

o, and did you know that Julius has made his way to mcdonald's? my dear coworker brought me the happy meal box. i don't usually frequent there, but i just might now (well, until they stop giving away Julius toys)...

i may be a momma desperate to hold on, but i like to think that Julius is sending me a sign that he's near me - near us - always. i'd like to think that he's letting me know that i don't have to worry about ever letting him go, because he won't be letting go of me either. :')

Giveaway Winner and other ramblings...

well, i'm going to do the important stuff first, and announce the winner of the 2nd giveaway - a blog makeover by franchesca at Small Bird Studio. the winner was chosen, with Juju's help, by the same technical process that the previous giveaway winner was chosen {i liked incorporating Julius in the selection}. and the winner is..............................................

Brigette!

congrats, brigette! i hope that winning this contest has brought you a little bit of sunshine on this valentine's day. and i hope this blog makeover gives you another way to memorialize your dear Kael like it has helped me do with Juju. please send me an email, and i will put you in contact with franchesca.

thank you to everyone that participated. if you didn't win, and would like to have a blog makeover, stop by Small Bird Studio and see the lovely franchesca. she is amazing to work with, is reasonably priced {she even offers a discounted price for baby loss parents}, and a portion of every blog design this month will be donated to march of dimes - team KJ.

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and now for the rambling...

this weekend was a very difficult one for me. saturday was the 4 month anniversary of Julius' passing. and as expected, i woke up with tears in my eyes and an extra heaviness in my heart. i miss my little boy tremendously, and milestone days like that day just amplify all the emotions i'm feeling. since it was saturday, it was zumba day, and so i decided to teach my class. zumba has been an outlet for me, and i always leave class feeling so loved and happy {i've got some amazing people in my class}.

well for a few days leading up to saturday, i had been thinking of buying a storage bin and packing some of Julius' things away. so after class, i headed over to target {which was a nightmare itself because it seemed like every.single.baby in this freaking city was there that day} and bought one. i was a bit wounded when i arrived home, but was still feeling brave enough to tackle the task. and so, i walked over to the glider that since his death has been filled with sympathy cards, and packed them away. i walked over to our dresser, which we kept his clothes in, and which had not been opened since his death, opened his drawers, and packed his clothes away. and as i did all of this packing away of my son's life, i cried, and i cried, and i smelled and held his things, and cried some more. i moved onto the closet and his changing table and packed some more of his things away. i didn't sort through anything - and don't plan to for a while. but i just wanted to put everything of his together, in a safe place. and on the side of the storage bin, i wrote a little message to him: "i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart."

since i didn't get a chance to share a pic of him yesterday. i will share a series of pics of him today. one of the hardest set of pics for me to look at are the pics from his baptism. i even turned off our digital picture frame because it seemed like every time i looked at it, it was on these pics. that day was very special/stressful for me. besides the obvious of my son being baptized, i was stressed about how he would react {most babies tend to cry during their baptisms}. and then while at mass, which we went to right before, he decided to that he was not going to take a bottle. at all. {and i was not in a breastfeeding-friendly dress}. so in order to get him to stop being fussy, i bounced him to sleep. and asleep he stayed... 

until the pouring of water on his head...

and then he was awake...

but instead of  crying, he actually thought the whole thing was really funny...

yep, my son smiled at Father the entire time. he was a charmer, who could melt your heart with his bright smile.

Juju,

Happy Valentine's Day, baby! I wish you were here to celebrate with us. I wish I could shower you with extra kisses and hugs today. Daddy and I miss and love you so very very much. We carry your heart, we carry it in our hearts. ♥

-mommy

Life After

life after losing Julius is turning out to be a very intricate, complicated dance. time has given me the ability to "fake it" better, but it hasn't lessened the pain at all. it hasn't made certain situations any easier to bear. i feel like everything i do needs to have the warning sticker "proceed with caution" on it.

many of you know that saturday was my 30th birthday. my heart was heavy, but i was upright and functioning. i had an appointment with my counselor, and it was emotional {as it usually is}, but i was still upright and functioning. i went to the gym to teach my Zumba class, and my "zumba sweeties" showered me with so much love. they threw me a little party after class with my fav treat {gigi's cupcakes}, gifts and hugs.

30 and fabulous ;)

i was overwhelmed. my good friend also paid for the massage i had set up weeks in advance because i knew it was going to be a rough day. after all of that i was even more upright, and was functioning better than i had been all day. i was, dare i say, "happy." i got in my car, and was preparing to head off and run some errands when i saw i had received a text from a friend. and attached to the text was a pic that she had taken of Juju and i one day that she was over at my house visiting. i had never seen this pic, and though i was so thankful to her for sending it {and still am}, at that moment i crumbled.

Juju and mommy

this weekend D and i also went to the mall. we were having a decent day. we went into a store so that i could buy a new phone. and as we waited, we were goofing around and acting silly {something that was typical of us...before we lost our son}. again, i was upright and functioning. i happened to turn and look at the door as a woman walked in carrying her child in one of the exact baby carriers i bought for Juju, and carried him in often. it didn't matter how much i was laughing before, when i saw her it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. i couldn't breathe.

how can it be that i can be laughing, acting silly, and joking with people, and then without warning i'm paralyzed with grief and sadness? how do people live through this pain? sometimes i just really don't understand what my motiviation is to live like this, or through this. it seems at times almost masochistic for me to get out of bed and experience all of the constant sucker punches life throws my way - the babies everywhere i turn, people announcing their pregnancies left and right {in my perspective}, etc. how can the heart stand so much hurt day after day?

i guess this is where faith, and hope come in. i guess i have to believe that there will be brighter days ahead for me. i guess i have to believe that God wants me to be happy, that He knows the pain that i am in, and that He is sorry. i want to believe that He knows how badly i want to be a mother again, and that He wants the same thing for me. and i try so very hard to hang onto that, but sometimes hope is not enough. i feel like i'm running on fumes, like i'm hanging on by a thread. and i wonder how much longer it will be before i feel like my load is lightening and i can breathe again. if only i had a crystal ball...


**edited to add the pic that my sweet friend, megan, created. it illustrates exactly what i'm feeling - broken hearted. check out her blog to read all about her precious Savannah.**


i am not, and will never be, the same