triggers triggers everywhere

this morning, i opened my email to find a donation solicitation email with the subject line "Xander stopped breathing..." sent by the March of Dimes (though the sender's name was Jennifer Howse).


before i get on my soapbox, let me start off by saying that i respect MoD as an organization and i'm thankful to them for all of the research they do and support they give to families. i have several dear friends BLMs and non-BLMs that have benefited from the amazing work that MoD has done...

BUT i think that email was tasteless and insensitive. before i even realized it was from MoD, i thought it was from a parent who had recently lost her child, found my information through my blog, and was contacting me for support. my heart skipped a beat. i was immediately taken back to *that* day. the day that MY son stopped breathing. the day that my world shattered around me.

and though i'm happy that "xander" and his family had their "happy ending" as the email goes on to say, my son's story did not. he is gone. i'm broken hearted. and thinking that there was another family that was reaching out to me because they had lost their child, got me immediately emotional. to open that email and realize that they were only requesting a donation made me livid.

i have donated to MoD in the past without any problem. as i said before, i fully support them and their mission. but using that email subject line, in my opinion, to get a certain response from their reader is unacceptable. not everyone is going to have a positive reaction reading that. there are those of us who have lost children, and reading those words are hurtful. and i would think that an organization such as MoD would understand that - not every family has a happy ending, and some of those families are on their distribution list, unfortunately.

i have contacted MoD (by email/FB message), and have explained to them why i found their email hurtful. i know there are some that don't understand why it hurts me as much as it does, and that's ok. i'm not trying to launch an attack on them at all. but it is important for me to stand up for my grief, and to bring this issue to their attention. it helps lessen the pain they've caused me today.

christmas time is here...

it's hard for me to believe that once again it's christmas time. it hasn't really felt that way. the temperature has been on the warmer side, and since we don't watch tv i've avoided all of the christmas commercials. but this year, i have found myself being able to acknowledge the holiday, which is a dramatic difference from the last 2 years. i can actually say "merry christmas" to someone in response without cringing. and i caught myself last week actually singing a christmas song.

we have put up minimal decorations at our house. our rainbow is a bit too mischievous for us to put up an actual tree, and i really didn't have it in me to do it anyway. but D and i did buy a small ornament tree, which we have put up in the living room to display all of the ornaments that we have for Julius. i also decorated his spot on our dresser with garland. and because i didn't want baby girl to miss out on all of the holiday fun, i strung some lights in our bedroom around the doorway. she loves them.

however, just when i was starting to feel that the heavy burden of grief was lifting, and just as i was starting to see the world as a happier/friendlier place, i heard about the horrific shooting on friday. i will never understand this type of senseless violence. and as a person who has lost a child, and has experienced one of the most unnatural things ever, my heart breaks even further to think of those parents who received word of what had happened to their children. their precious, innocent, magical children. i really had to take a step back from reading/listening to the news and updates because it was making me physically ill. it takes me back to those 1st few months of my early grief when the weight of it all was so incredibly suffocating. to have your child taken from you in such a horrific way. i can't comprehend it. but my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers are with those families especially during this holiday season.