christmas time is here...

it's hard for me to believe that once again it's christmas time. it hasn't really felt that way. the temperature has been on the warmer side, and since we don't watch tv i've avoided all of the christmas commercials. but this year, i have found myself being able to acknowledge the holiday, which is a dramatic difference from the last 2 years. i can actually say "merry christmas" to someone in response without cringing. and i caught myself last week actually singing a christmas song.

we have put up minimal decorations at our house. our rainbow is a bit too mischievous for us to put up an actual tree, and i really didn't have it in me to do it anyway. but D and i did buy a small ornament tree, which we have put up in the living room to display all of the ornaments that we have for Julius. i also decorated his spot on our dresser with garland. and because i didn't want baby girl to miss out on all of the holiday fun, i strung some lights in our bedroom around the doorway. she loves them.

however, just when i was starting to feel that the heavy burden of grief was lifting, and just as i was starting to see the world as a happier/friendlier place, i heard about the horrific shooting on friday. i will never understand this type of senseless violence. and as a person who has lost a child, and has experienced one of the most unnatural things ever, my heart breaks even further to think of those parents who received word of what had happened to their children. their precious, innocent, magical children. i really had to take a step back from reading/listening to the news and updates because it was making me physically ill. it takes me back to those 1st few months of my early grief when the weight of it all was so incredibly suffocating. to have your child taken from you in such a horrific way. i can't comprehend it. but my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers are with those families especially during this holiday season.

bah humbug

i seriously feel like scrooge. i can't believe christmas is in a few days. with the weather being as  unseasonably warm as it's been the last few weeks, and the fact that we no longer have cable service {yep, you read right, no tv channels for us *gasp*}, which means i'm spared all of those annoying christmas commercials. i've managed to evade the "christmas spirit" pretty well. we've put up no tree, we've purchased no gifts, we've sent out no cards. it's been pretty nice to not have that stress on us right now. it's not like we don't have enough to focus on with just grieving and trying to get through the rest of the year.

i feel like i'm a broken record. i re-read what i posted right before thanksgiving, and it all still holds true. i can't believe it's another holiday without my son. dammit i miss him so much. i woke up this morning with tears in my eyes just thinking about how lonely i am without him. i could just scream at the unfairness of it all. he is desperately missed and desperately loved. and here we are, without him, trying to dodge holiday after holiday. it's ridiculous, but it's my reality. i'm pissed off, but there's nothing i can do.

i'm thankful to those that have sent cards/gifts and continue to mention our son. it warms my heart every time. that's really the best present anyone could give me {and i'm sure any bereaved parent} - mentioning my child. for my fellow babyloss parents, please know that i will be keeping you close to my heart this weekend, as we all mark another holiday without our children. i hope that christmas is gentle on you all...

12 Days of Christmas with You in Heaven Guest Poster

so today is my turn to be a guest poster over at Small Bird Studios. fran created the "12 days of christmas with you in heaven" as a way to help grieving families honor their loved ones and cope with this difficult holiday season. i posted my tutorial on how to make the personalized memorial candle that i made for Julius. so go check it out! i hope that it was relatively easy to follow, but if not, just send me an email and i'll try to clarify.

i also revealed my last monthly Juju giveaway...

this month is all about giving, so in honor of that, i have chosen this month's giveaway to be a $25 donation to the charity of the winner's choice {but a real charity please, no one put in for the george costanza human fund ;) }. i have a few organizations that are very meaningful to us {CJ Foundation for SIDS, and First Candle just to name a few}, and i give to them every chance i get hoping that one day no one will have to lose a child this tragic way. but i know that there are other wonderful organizations out there that do so much for others, so i'd like to do a small part to help in honor of my son and the winner's loved one.

all you have to do is leave a comment with the name of the charity you would like me to donate to if you won. i will leave the giveaway open until the 17th and then announce the winner on the 18th {the week before christmas}. good luck!

Guest Poster

first let me start of by apologizing for being somewhat of a slacker for not posting the giveaway winner in a timely manner. i did pick the winner on the 11th {via random.org}, but i never got around to posting about it. the winner was ashley - comment #3! one more giveaway to go in my monthly giveaway project in honor of my baby boy. it's so strange that another year is coming to a close without him, especially when my love and adoration of him grow stronger with each passing day.

i am happy to say that i will be taking part in the "12 days of christmas with you in heaven" series that fran of small bird studios will be hosting on her blog. it will be a series of posts from other BLMs of tips, tutorials, giveaways, etc on ways to make it through the holiday season without our precious little ones.

i plan to prepare a tutorial on how to make the memorial candle i made for my munchkin.

i've made a couple more since then, so i think i'm getting to a point where i could explain in a relatively simple manner how to do it. it was very meaningful for me to do for him, and i'm hoping that others feel the same way. so be on the lookout for that! i will also be tying in my last giveaway with this post.

if any of you have something that you would like to share with other BLMs, head over to fran's blog to find out how you can participate.

i'm still here...

i made it, fortunately or unfortunately {depending on my mood}, through my 1st christmas without my Juju. i'm still here, i'm still breathing, i'm still heartbroken. christmas day itself was not as painful as i thought it would be. but then again, it didn't really feel like christmas at our house, so it wasn't necessarily an added layer of pain that we had to get through. D and i stayed in, and it very much felt like just another day. we are so glad that we decided to forego celebrating the holidays this year like we had originally planned. staying home in our safe environment was definitely what we needed to do to get through this time. and thanks to the suggestion of a friend {thank you, andrea}, we lit a candle all day on christmas eve and christmas day for Julius. it helped me to feel as though he was always nearby.

this past week hasn't all been sad and painful. there have been some moments of light mixed in...

last week, ms. linda, the executive director at The CJ Foundation for SIDS,  sent me an email asking if i would like to be a guest blogger for them. she has been so very helpful and supportive to us during this time, and i was incredibly honored that she thought of me. the piece she wanted me to write about was my thoughts on facing the new year without Julius. i, understandably, have a lot {probably too much} to say about this topic, and was a bit stressed out about how i was going to organize all of my thoughts. but after working on it this weekend, i sent it to her this morning, and i'm looking forward to her posting it. i will post it on here after she's posted it {i don't want to spoil anything}. but again, it means so much that i was given this opportunity to honor my son.

i also finished my 1st journal yesterday. some of you may remember the post where i mentioned that i received a journal from some of my friends from my hometown {thank you, shelly and amanda}, and have written Julius a letter every day since the 1 week mark of his passing. well at 2 months and 2 weeks since i said goodbye to my son, i finished Vol. 1 of "Letters to Juju" {thanks for that name, fabby}. i skimmed through some of the earlier letters to him, and i noticed that even though i have made some progress with my feelings, i'm still very heartbroken, and very lost. the overall feelings of "darkness" are still there, but are now mixed in with some moments of hopefulness  - something that wasn't around early on. and today, i started my 2nd journal - Vol. 2 {thank you, michelle}. i think the quote on the front is especially fitting.

and the last thing that happened this morning is that i already reached my first goal mark of $1000 for Juju's memorial fund at CJ. i even increased my goal amount to $1500 {and got to gloat to D some more - again, it felt really good}. i am absolutely speechless at everyone's generosity. i definitely think it's a testiment to how many loving people are surrounding me, and how much my son is loved. he was only in my arms for 4.5 short months, but he completely changed my life forever. i again thank everyone that has donated {and who has even thought about donating}. thank you for contributing to such a worthy cause and organization. thank you for helping ensure that one day no one will have to lose a child this terribly tragic way. and thank you most of all for remembering our son. ♥

**updated to add: i ended up taking angie's advice and changed my goal amount for Juju's memorial fund to $5k! thank you, girl, for suggesting that.**

Merry Christmas, Baby Boy...

Dear Julius,
Merry Christmas, Baby. Today would have been your first Christmas with us, but instead you are in Heaven. It makes me so mad that we didn't even have you long enough for you to experience Christmas with us. On top of that, today is the first time since Daddy and I have lived here that it has snowed really hard. Something else that you didn't get a chance to experience. I think you would have really liked snow.

We miss you so much. It's just not right that we have to carry on without you. Why does it have to be this way? This is absolutely torturous.

Yesterday we lit a candle for you all day. It made me feel as though you were nearby. We will light a candle for you today too. And yesterday we got a few "Juju signs." My godfather and his family sent us a gorgeous angel figurine which is now sitting next to you on our dresser. Then a friend of mine sent me a picture of your name and the candle she lit for you.

"Angels are always near to those who are grieving. To whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hands of God"

Thank you, Christena!

I love to see your name written, Juju. The funny thing is that even though I picked your name years ago when Daddy and I were just talking about having a family in the future {your mommy is definitely a planner}, I was hesitant to agree to that name for you. I wanted your name to be perfect, so I spent almost my whole pregnancy thinking of names. Daddy just wouldn't let the name "Julius" go. He even started calling you that when we found out that you were a boy, which irritated me so much. But the name stuck, and once we decided on a first and middle name for you, we kept it a secret from everyone until you were born. The name fit you perfectly, just like you fit us perfectly. And now I love to hear it, and see it written. It means that people are thinking of you, and it's a little sign to me that you are ok.

Baby, I hope you are enjoying your first Christmas in Heaven. Ours is definitely not the same without you. We miss and love you so very much.

-Mommy

my heart is about to burst!!!

ok, i know i'm reaching my post quota for the day, but i'm just too excited not to share what *just* hit my inbox...

the backstory:

last week there was giveaway posted on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope facebook page for a customized hand-painted ornament from jess at Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art {coincidentally, the same jess that made my "Juju dove" that i posted about earlier - but i didn't find that out until later}. to enter you had to leave a comment saying how you were planning to honor your little one during the holiday season this year. well i posted a comment not really thinking anything because 1) we don't plan to celebrate Christmas this year, and 2) i don't typically win contests. then i completely forgot about the contest because as i mentioned before, i don't win contests. i even went to the website to take a look at the ornaments because i was seriously considering purchasing one but it got too overwhelming to look at, so i closed it and shelved the idea. on saturday a friend posted on my facebook page asking if i realized that *I* won the contest. it took a second to remember what contest she was talking about, but then i rushed right over to the FoL FB page to see if it was true. and it was!!!! i won!!!! i actually have no doubt that Juju had a hand in this. he must have. ♥

jess contacted me and let me know that i could pick any of the ornaments on her page to have customized. and as soon as i saw the heart-shaped ornament i knew i had to have it. i was meant to have that one. see, we had our baby cremated and his remains placed in a heart-shaped urn which now sits on our dresser in our bedroom.

so the only ornament that i could get to truly represent my baby was this heart-shaped one. i sent her his info and a pic of the urn. and today, she sent me a pic of the finished ornament.

Photo Credit

as soon as i saw the pic i burst into tears. to say that i love this ornament is such an understatement. i don't even have words to describe my feelings about the ornament other than to say that every time i look at the pic my heart feels like it is going to burst. i'm flooded with so many emotions right now, and can not wait to receive it. my heart is truly appreciative and "happy" at this moment. thank you again, jess, you will never know how thankful i am for you.