it's hard for me to believe that once again it's christmas time. it hasn't really felt that way. the temperature has been on the warmer side, and since we don't watch tv i've avoided all of the christmas commercials. but this year, i have found myself being able to acknowledge the holiday, which is a dramatic difference from the last 2 years. i can actually say "merry christmas" to someone in response without cringing. and i caught myself last week actually singing a christmas song.
we have put up minimal decorations at our house. our rainbow is a bit too mischievous for us to put up an actual tree, and i really didn't have it in me to do it anyway. but D and i did buy a small ornament tree, which we have put up in the living room to display all of the ornaments that we have for Julius. i also decorated his spot on our dresser with garland. and because i didn't want baby girl to miss out on all of the holiday fun, i strung some lights in our bedroom around the doorway. she loves them.
however, just when i was starting to feel that the heavy burden of grief was lifting, and just as i was starting to see the world as a happier/friendlier place, i heard about the horrific shooting on friday. i will never understand this type of senseless violence. and as a person who has lost a child, and has experienced one of the most unnatural things ever, my heart breaks even further to think of those parents who received word of what had happened to their children. their precious, innocent, magical children. i really had to take a step back from reading/listening to the news and updates because it was making me physically ill. it takes me back to those 1st few months of my early grief when the weight of it all was so incredibly suffocating. to have your child taken from you in such a horrific way. i can't comprehend it. but my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers are with those families especially during this holiday season.