grief video

my dear friend, mary, posted this video on her blog this morning, and it was so good i thought i would share. this short animated video illustrates some of the awkward conversations grieving mothers have had.

my heart still aches

right now, i'm sitting in bed with my laptop set up on my breakfast tray table writing this post with a little girl asleep in my lap. i'm listening to one of the sweetest sounds in the world - her breathing. i'm thankful for her and all of the joy and laughter that she has brought into our lives in the short time she has been here. and often i glance across the room at the huge blowup canvas photo of her brother, trying to see the similarities in their features, and wondering what he would be doing/saying if he were here.

i miss him so much. i knew i would. i know that one child does not replace another. but that doesn't stop the hurting, or the longing for him. i think there are some people that think that just because you have gone on to have another child {after you've lost} that you are "moving on" with your life, or that you are suddenly healed of the pain. some people, once uncomfortable around you because of your sadness, now think that it is "safe" to come around again. surely i am in a "better/happier" place now that our little girl has been born.

o, there is no doubt at all that i am happier. this tiny person has made us the happiest we have been since october 12, 2010. i feel my heart expanding daily with such intense love and devotion for her. the feeling is incredible. and i beg and plead with whoever is running the show to give us the opportunity to watch this tiny person grow into a big person. but that does not now or ever negate the feeling of intense sadness i feel that my son never got the chance to grow into a big person. her presence does not "fix" our broken hearts or cancel out our love for him.

yes, she makes us happy. but he does as well. i won't stop talking about him because she is here. i'm not going to take down his pictures to put up hers {of course i will put her's up in addition to his}. yes, i will have happier days {i hope} because of her. but i will have sad days too because of his absence. so, while on the outside it may appearance like the "coast is clear," i can assure you that the grief is far from over.

31

today is my 31st birthday. i read over the post i made last year about turning 30. this year the feelings going into today were drastically different from last year. last year i was just 3 months into my grief journey, and not at all interested in acknowledging or celebrating the day. now 15 months in, i'm still not much for "celebrating" but didn't mind too much having others acknowledge my birthday.  i spent the day at home, hanging out with D, with a candle lit for our boy, and snuggling with our little girl, the newest member of our family - Juju's little sister. fully aware of the fact that someone special is missing, but feeling completely surrounded by love nonetheless. and so very thankful that these 3 special people make up my little family.

yes you read that correctly, and no you didn't miss the announcement. D and i recently welcomed our 2nd child into the world. and she has been such a light in our lives in the midst of the darkness. i have several reasons why i decided to be private about this pregnancy. but mostly it's just been too hard for me to deal with the continued grief, and all of the emotions that went along with being pregnant after losing a child.

so what will happen to Julius' blog? well, grief is an ongoing process, so i will definitely keep this blog dedicated to grieving my son. baby girl's journey will be kept separate in a private blog that i started for her shortly after i found out i was pregnant with her. she may make an appearance or two in this blog, but only in regard to our family grieving Julius {she is part of our grief journey too now}.

we are incredibly excited to be earthly parents again and to now be a family of 4 {though we desperately wish all of our family was here}. but to be honest, we are also terrified. once you lose a child, i think you always fear the possibility of having to face that pain again. so please keep us in your thoughts and prayers...