paralyzing fear

i'm slowly realizing that there may not be any end in sight to my living in fear. there is just no going back to the life of blissful ignorance once you have lost a child. i keep waiting for the day when i will breathe a sigh of relief *knowing* that our rainbow is safe and here for the long haul. we just marked her 10 month birthday. it was a day of many emotions. we've never gotten to double digits before. she is so grown, the oldest our babies have ever been. we were so happy to get to that point with her. and yet there was a deep pain in my heart because i could not say the same about my son, my first born baby boy.

it's so incredibly difficult to balance both of those emotions at once. and i am so incredibly jealous of those that don't have to think in these terms. why didn't my son make it to 10 months? why was his life cut so short? why are we left to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts and to figure out how to manage our grief and our pain? i know i will never get answers to these questions.

our girl does such an amazing job of making us smile every day. i depend on her and her existence in this world more than it's probably fair to and more than she will probably ever know or realize. i wonder if all of my clinginess to her is negatively affecting her. she develops more and more each day. she claps, she kisses, she screeches, she walks, she crawls, she has teeth. each and every moment we cherish and celebrate knowing that at any moment it could all be taken away from us.

and though i'm so happy to see her develop, each new stage brings with it it's own set of worries and fears. starting solids has made me freak out every moment that she might choke. i damn near chew pieces of food for her before giving it to her alicia silverstone-style. her learning to walk has me constantly on guard that she might fall and bump her head. i just can't relax. i guess all i can do is try to take it moment by moment. but sometimes living that way is exhausting as well.

tomorrow we will be traveling to spend the thanksgiving holiday with my in-laws. thanksgiving is incredibly hard for me as it is the first major holiday that passed after Julius passed away. it is crazy to me that we are now at a point that we can acknowledge the holiday with a little one in our arms. but we still desperately miss he little one we carry with us in our heart. i am really just hoping that we make it through next week in one piece. and that is my hope for all of my BLMs as well.

thankfulness and sadness

thanksgiving. it's here again. another one without my son.
what will we be doing? nothing. maybe laundry. maybe some reading. i checked out a book from the library last weekend so i definitely need to get on that one.

though we won't be acknowledging this holiday, i am thankful...
first and foremost, i am thankful for my son. the beautiful person that entered the world on may 30, 2010.
the amazing little man that changed the very fiber of my being.
the poofy headed little boy that brought nothing but happiness and light into our lives every second he was here. whose memory continues to bring a smile to my face and makes my heart swell with love.

i am thankful for my hubby, D. he is the glue that is keeping me together in this world without my boy.
he is such a devoted husband and father. he's really an amazing person - so smart, loving and funny.
he makes me laugh everyday.
and he does his damnedest daily to try and fix my brokenness even though he is broken himself.

i am thankful for my family that accepts this new broken tiffany.
they may not understand what we are going through, but they are patient with us.
they have allowed us to grieve the way that we need to. they have not tried to rush us on this journey.

i am thankful for true friendship.
i may not have all the same friends i had before Julius passed away, but i know that i am surrounded by those who truly care.
they may not all be BLMs, but they continue to reach out to me and let me know that they are thinking of me and more importantly my son.
they lift me up when i am too weak to take another step.

and even though i have much to be thankful for, i am also sad - devastated even.
devastated that he is not here.
devastated that i'm not chasing around a toddler in the midst of the family activities.
devastated that he never got to know what a turkey is or what it tastes like.
broken hearted that he is gone.

i am thankful and i am sad. and that's ok.
feelings are very complicated things. and i've realized that it's perfectly acceptable to have more than 1 emotion at a time.
i've resigned myself to the fact that it will definitely be like this from now on.
for even my happiest moments will be twinged with pain because he is not here.

thinking of all of my BLMs that are missing their precious children this thanksgiving and always. hoping this holiday is gentle on you all.