Wednesday, November 23, 2011

thankfulness and sadness

thanksgiving. it's here again. another one without my son.
what will we be doing? nothing. maybe laundry. maybe some reading. i checked out a book from the library last weekend so i definitely need to get on that one.

though we won't be acknowledging this holiday, i am thankful...
first and foremost, i am thankful for my son. the beautiful person that entered the world on may 30, 2010.
the amazing little man that changed the very fiber of my being.
the poofy headed little boy that brought nothing but happiness and light into our lives every second he was here. whose memory continues to bring a smile to my face and makes my heart swell with love.

i am thankful for my hubby, D. he is the glue that is keeping me together in this world without my boy.
he is such a devoted husband and father. he's really an amazing person - so smart, loving and funny.
he makes me laugh everyday.
and he does his damnedest daily to try and fix my brokenness even though he is broken himself.

i am thankful for my family that accepts this new broken tiffany.
they may not understand what we are going through, but they are patient with us.
they have allowed us to grieve the way that we need to. they have not tried to rush us on this journey.

i am thankful for true friendship.
i may not have all the same friends i had before Julius passed away, but i know that i am surrounded by those who truly care.
they may not all be BLMs, but they continue to reach out to me and let me know that they are thinking of me and more importantly my son.
they lift me up when i am too weak to take another step.

and even though i have much to be thankful for, i am also sad - devastated even.
devastated that he is not here.
devastated that i'm not chasing around a toddler in the midst of the family activities.
devastated that he never got to know what a turkey is or what it tastes like.
broken hearted that he is gone.

i am thankful and i am sad. and that's ok.
feelings are very complicated things. and i've realized that it's perfectly acceptable to have more than 1 emotion at a time.
i've resigned myself to the fact that it will definitely be like this from now on.
for even my happiest moments will be twinged with pain because he is not here.

thinking of all of my BLMs that are missing their precious children this thanksgiving and always. hoping this holiday is gentle on you all.


LauraJane said...

It's really not fair. I'm wishing your little man was with you today and always.

So much to be thankful for, definitely, but so much to be missing out on too.


Kelly said...

So much yes on all of this. Thankful and yet, sad. Lots of love coming to you always and tomorrow especially.

Deanna said...

couldn't have said it better myself. lots of love to you, D, and Juju always. said...

Such a beautiful post... so much to be thankful and sad about at this difficult time of year. Thinking of you and Julius always xoxo

MrsH said...

Much love and strength to you. I can almost feel Juju's head of hair from how you describe it. You should write more about his features, how he felt, how he slept, how he hugged you. It's a beautiful way to feel his presence.

Caroline said...

My thoughts exactly. Wishing J was here with you as he should be, but thankful he's in your heart always <3

Ashley said...

I am thankful and sad as well...thought of you guys today, hopefully it wasn't to hard. Holidays are super hard for me...especially when they are so focused on the family.

Caroline said...

So well written ~ {{{Hugs}}} thinking of you & Juju always

Natasha said...

It's so true- so much that I'm sad about but also so very much to be thankful for. It's hard this time of the year. I'm thinking of you and Julius always....xoxo

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and Julius. Bittersweet is the word I seem to use alot to describe my life since Jake and Sawyer died. I hope that the holidays are as happy as they can be for you. If I find a way to catapult myself to February and skip the holidays I will let you know ASAP. Take care.

Rhiannon said...

So true. Thinking of you and your beautiful son always. <3

Rona Fernandez said...

happiness + sadness seem like siamese twins to me these days, joined at the heart. giving thanks though for your posts and your survival. sending you a big hug from afar.

KW said...

Hugs! Holidays are definitely very hard when we are missing our precious children. Hopefully you can feel the peace and comfort you need throughout this time.

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